AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

... my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. Your wife is being unreasonable. Rose sounds like a normalish 13yo, but your wife needs to parent her and set expectations. There will always be people in Rose's life who have something she doesn't. And there will be things she has that others around her don't - for example, she still has her mother and Iris doesn't. Life can never be 100% fair.

Even if you and Iris weren't in the picture, Rose would likely have friends and classmates who might have nicer clothes or a bigger house or more presents or expensive trips. What if Rose's best friend's parents won the lottery and started taking big trips and let their daughter bring a friend - would you say she can't go unless Iris goes too? Even if Iris and Rose were bio sisters and grew up together, the time would come when someone got something the other didn't, whether it be a place at uni or a great job or falling in love. You and your wife have good intentions in trying to keep things as fair as possible, but perhaps you put a little too much emphasis on identical, rather than equitable, treatment. The girls do have slightly different circumstances and needs.

How the other parent (where applicable) and extended family treat children in a blended family depends on the situation; common sense and context apply. If Iris's grandmother came to stay at your house over Christmas, I'd expect that she'd bring similarly attractive gifts for both girls. But if she wanted to give Iris a family heirloom, I wouldn't expect her to bring one for Rose too - maybe just give it to Iris privately. If the gm is staying with you and orders a takeaway, it would be rude not to order for everyone in the house. If the gm is staying and takes Iris out to visit her mother's grave, it would be natural to take just her.

Is Rose's dad and his extended family in her life at all? If not, that could be at the root of some of the problem, but we can't advise without knowing this. In any case, can your wife (and you too at least some of the time) plan some special things for Rose/the two of them/the three of you while Iris is away even if they are less expensive than Iris's trips? It's OK to adjust for the fact that Iris has this extra opportunity - for example, if Iris's gran has bought her a load of back to school clothes, perhaps you buy more for Rose because she has the greater need - but don't take away something from Iris (and her Gran) just because Rose can't have exactly the same.

@BaffledShopper I really hope you can answer this as I’m genuinely curious!

Lets assume you’re married and have a daughter. You get divorced and your ex-husband marries someone else who already has a daughter. You would tell your own mum that she needed to include your ex-husbands new wife’s daughter on any trips she took your own daughter on?

I'm always a little suspicious of an OP with no subsequent posts. I expect I'll see this in my local newspaper's Facebook page soon

I had my daughter with my ex-partner (never married by engaged). I have since married my husband and we have had a son, now 12. My daughter has nothing to do with her biological dad but has a lovely relationship with her grandmother (bio-dads mum). They've gone on little trips together, she would stay at hers once a week, do days out, do craft fairs, etc. At Christmas and birthdays, ex mil would buy my son a present. She never had to, he's not linked to her by blood at all, but she is a nice lady so she does. If my son had ever kicked off about my daughter going out with her grandma, I'd have told him to pack it in frankly and stop being so entitled. He understands that him and his sister have different dads and therefore she has family members he doesn't. But he's never questioned it. If he's asked where she is, and she's out with her grandma, we just say as such and he usually replies oh, when will she be home? And that's it. Your wife and Rose are both being VU in demanding that she gets taken along. So Iris gets stuff she doesn't. She also lost her mum at a young age, and has a grandmother who loves her and wants that connection. and love.
I think you need to have a serious chat with the new wife and put your foot down. The trips stay a fixture in Iris' life, and Rose and mum have to lump it. Tough.

She has maternal grandparents and a paternal grandfather. Her father is also alive although mostly uninvolved.

‘YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.’

get a fucking grip. If the grandma wants to spend time with her dead daughter’s child then of course she should be able to.

Sit the younger child down and explain that life isn’t fair. Like when her Step-sis lost her MOTHER for example.
shame you have to explain the same thing to your wife, who as an adult should understand better.

No way should they stop. It would be a hard no from me. And I also wouldn’t be putting up with any nonsense like making your DD feel guilty. Your SD needs to realise that all families are different, that your DD has this but that your SD is no doubt lucky to have other things that your DD does not. Your SD needs to know that there will always be someone better off than her in certain respects and it’s not down to her mum to sort this every time. If they can’t understand this I’d be seriously considering whether you should all be living together at the moment.

I understand why Rose is jealous but it's not Iris' fault that Rose doesn't have a grandmother who can do the same.
The poster who said grandmother should take both of them is completely wrong. You are a blended family but the old families are also important and it's lovely that Iris has this in her life.
I understand why your wife thinks stopping the trips is the answer but she's prioritising Rose's jealousy over Iris' bond with extended family. I would also stick up for Iris and put a lock on her door so her stepsister can't snoop.

YANBU 99% agree. Stand your ground OP.

OP you need to stand up to your wife and Rose needs to get a grip.

Totally disagree!

Not one person on this thread agrees with you. Perhaps it would be useful to reflect on why that is?

She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals.

But they aren't equals, are they? Rose's mom is still alive. And I'm the jerk that would absolutely point that out to your wife and step-daughter. And then I would remind them that they need to step back and this has NOTHING to do with them and is actually none of their business.

Rose and your wife need to wind their jealous necks in, it has absolutely nothing to do with them. You need to be firm on this and tell them both in no uncertain terms that the trips will not be stopping. If your wife is that bothered she can take a second job so she can take Rose away.

@BaffledShopper

They're stepsisters which is a type of sister. While I do think stepsisters can have as close as a relationship as biological sisters I think it's unrealistic to expect that in all cases. For example in our case they've only known each other a couple years and lived together for less. That's much different than sisters that have grown up with each other their whole lives.

I agree that family should be kind and general to all their family members regardless of blood. However, my mil does not consider mt stepdaughter part of her family and that's okay.

I can see from Rose's point of view that it sucks: Iris gets taken away (abroad?) twice a year and comes back with 'stuff'. However as someone said there will always be people better off than her. That's life unfortunately.

@BruceAndNosh

Iris's grandmother pays for the trips entirely

YANBU but I’d have a chat with Grandmother and get her thoughts here. I have a step grandchild and can certainly see this from the step grandchild’s perspective. I don’t think we would take them both on holiday but we would be a bit more sensitive on the gift front if we knew this and would consider how we might treat the whole family perhaps too.

OP why are you not standing up for your daughter as a father should do. You have to tell the other two very jealous women you live with this is your decision & do right by your own child !

They have been married a year and iris is nearly an adult. They're in no way sister. Not by anyone's definition. You don't get tell a bereaved child they have a sister now. That's so ridiculous.

@Razu45 sorry I'm not replying fast enough for you

@saraclara No, she has not. We've really had no problems before this.

But Rose isn't a step grandchildren because it's not roses stepfathers mother

Look, life is often not fair. It's not your job to make it equal, but I would perhaps make the grandmother aware and ask if perhaps she could bring back something special for the other kid. Offer to chip in maybe.

I'd sit both girls down with yourself and your wife and explain that life isn't always fair. They are both equal to you and loved, but that they each have different extended family and that means they will be treated differently by people outside of the home. To allow the trips is unfair to one girl, to not allow them is unfair to the other. There is no fair way to go, so I'd go with the option that made at least 1 of them happy, and that's to allow your DD to go away with her DGM