AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Wow, sounds like the best way of making Iris up and leave.

Iris is 16. The relationship she has with her Gran has nothing to do with your wife or her daughter.
She can legally leave home to live with her Gran if she choses to do so which I'm sure is something that you wouldn't want to happen.

It’s a difficult one and it’s hard for your stepdaughter to understand at the age of 13. Presents and nice things important to teenage girls. Of course it feels unfair!!

I guess it’s a hard lesson to learn and to have explained to a teenager that it’s not just about the money being spent as it as much to do with your daughter having time with her grandmother.

You said that you late wife? This is some very important to two people who have lost their mum and daughter.

Maybe you could do some simple with your stepdaughter on those days… cinema and McDonald’s or bowling and pizza? Nothing too costly and fancy just so she is doing something a little fun!

You sound like a wonderful parent to both DD & DSD, very conscious of both feelings and clearly wanting to find some family harmony for everyone’s sake, that’s commendable.

Your wife is wrong.

The trips absolutely should continue to go ahead, it would be outrageous for them not too. Your DD deserves a wonderful relationship with her maternal GM and an ongoing connection to her mother which is priceless. It would be unforgivable if you were to put an end to this.

Your OP however makes more of the fact of the gifts she brings home, rather than the trips and 1:1 time with granny. If that is the bigger issue then scale those back, or compensate for those your end. You don’t have to spend thousands on a trip, but make sure to level the playing field on ‘material possessions’. That might make things easier to manage.

Good luck!

You do realise the trips are a tradition that has been going since Iris was little? She used to go with her mother and grandmother before her mum passed away. Years before Rose was on the scene or moved in. All they're doing is do the same thing they've always done. Their way to keep a relationship and a bond and a connection with their departed mum and daughter. It's very disingenuous to attribute malicious intent to the GM or Iris for simply doing something they have done for years.

It’s time for Rose to learn that life is unfair, and that she has no influence over other people and their lives.

Does Rose rule the roost???

Don't be spineless.

I think your wife and step-daughter need to be honest with themselves. If Iris's grandmother was taking her up the road for a cup of tea, they wouldn't be trying to put a stop to it. We all know that is true. It is not the time spent with the grandmother they are resenting, they are jealous that Iris is having money spent on her that Rose isn't.

I think you need to point out that Iris's grandmother having a relationship with her own granddaughter is non-negotiable and as her grandmother - not to mention a woman who has lost her own daughter - she can do what the fuck she likes with her time and money and you wouldn't dream of causing her any more sadness than she has already endured.

Rose needs to learn that you will all be treated as equals inside the family home, but beyond the four walls - there will always be differences and dynamics that existed before your unit and that, frankly, is how life works and she needs to suck it up. Your wife should be teaching Rose this too.

"tough"
"not debateable"
equals NOT the actual same.embrace the variable

@BaffledShopper are you the Op wife
So when sd was sent money by her GF was she made to share it
Does the OP wife get maintenance for her dd , if so should this now be shared
When the SD visits her did should the OP dd go as well
Also the OP dd is 16 , she can move out she cannot be stopped from going in trips
They bring the Step sister something back , they don't have to do that but they do

Iris should definitely continue to go on the trips with her grandmother. Your new wife has no right to stop them. If you were divorced from iris’s mother, you would have no choice if iris went on the trip or not as her mother would have equal decisions so could have the trip on ‘her time’. It’s important for Iris to have that connection with her grandmother and equally important for the grandmother to maintain the relationship and it’s lovely that she is doing so.

Its really sad that Rose’s father is not interested in maintaining a close relationship, but that’s not Iris’ fault.

Don't stop the trips. Remind Rose that Iris lost her mum and Granny is especially important, that fair doesn't always mean equal, and that it's wrong to snoop. At the same time, be sensitive to Rose - it's hard to be a teenager and see someone else get more goodies than you. She might also not be feeling great about having a stepfather and stepsister living permanently with her. Try for Rose to get a treat trip, even if it's modest, and some new stuff while Iris is away - maybe she'd like a trip with just her mum?

If Rose were my daughter I wouldn't hesitate to tell her calmly but very firmly 'tough shit - get over it'.
Not like that obviously, but that would be the message.
OP it's up to your wife to manage her daughter's issue with this. And tell her to stay the fuck out of her stepsister's room.

Wtf - why? That's ridiculous.

I’m not sure about calling this a family with two children. They aren’t 6 and 3 they’re 16 and 13. Hopefully they will grow up to be friends but they might drift apart. Iris’s relationship with her grandmother is very important and not the step mum’s business. Yes, they both need to feel valued and important but it’s a bit late anyway for saying that the children should be treated the same.

I think you should put more effort into making it possible for Rose to get some sort of trip away, either with her mum, her dad, one of her GMs or another adult she really likes and has a relationship with. All the things Iris gets out of trips with her GM are things that would be great for Rose too.

I can understand a 13 year old’s jealousy. Especially after you’ve just moved in together. Despite things being good up til now, there are bound to be insecurities and 13 is difficult age anyway. Doesn’t mean it’s something that should be pandered to, but I think it’s understandable, age appropriate and not a sign of some awful character flaw. However, I think it’s a bit worrying that your wife is putting pressure on you to just stop the trips rather than exploring how you can all boost Rose’s life.

As others have said, I get you want to 'treat them equally' but this scenario isn't about you NOT treating them equally. Your Daughter has a special relationship with her Maternal Grandmother, doesn't see her very often and they are continuing something they both look forward to and is important that they can remember their late daughter/Mother.

Your daughter's Grandmother is treating your daughter, not you or your wife and your stepdaughter has to be told ( hopefully gently if she'll listen) that it is a special time for them, sharing memories of someone your step daughter never knew. It's not as if your MIL lives nearby and knows both girls very well.

I second a pp who suggested that you get a lock on your daughter's door - in fact on both the girl's doors, to keep it fair and I would also suggest that you do ask your daughter not to be too open about any presents she may have got from her Grandmother (although it doesn't sound like she did that and your stepdaughter only found out because she 'snooped' in your daughter's room). That would at least help a bit - but honestly your wife is quite wrong to ask that these visits be stopped. Perhaps you and she could at least take your stepdaughter out for a few fun trips ( they don't need to cost a lot of money) while your daughter is away?

It is so lovely that your daughter and her grandmother have this bond, it should be treasured and encouraged as much as possible. It is unfortunate that your wife's daughter doesn't have a similar bond with her grandparents but it is unfair of your wife and her daughter to interfere with your daughter and her grandmothers relationship out of pure jealousy. Please stand your ground and don't let them come between your daughter and her grandmother this relationship is too important to allow that to happen

Swooping in?

The only “swooping” is the OP’s wife swooping in and trying to stop the OP’s daughter and her grandmother continuing their tradition.

The step-mother has been nasty. Trying to insist her step-daughter loses her trips with her Grandmother rather than dealing with her daughter in an appropriate way is nasty. This is a kid who has lost their mother. She could just be nice

All those people saying Rose just needs to get over it… she’s 13. All 13 year olds think of themselves!!! She can not comprehend what it is like to lose your mum.

She will find it hard when her stepsister comes home with all these new things. Material things for a 13 year old are everything.

She need to be firmly, nicely and as clearly as possible told that this is something that will be happening. Her stepsister will be coming home with new things but it’s about more that the new things purchased. And to be constantly reminded that Iris lost her mum and the MIL lost her daughter.

Unfortunately it’s a hard lesson at the ages they are.

Some small gesture on the day of the trip might help - teenagers are a fickle bunch!!!

Agree with @BobDear .

Baffledshopper imagine you're 16 and your father has just told you that you're no longer allowed to have alone time with your mother's mother. The one person who understands your pain and grief because your spoilt 13 year old stepsister is jealous. That would really be the start of a lifetime bond with her for you? Either you can't go or you take her with you and can't have private catch ups about the time before her mother moved in married your dad?

Oh come on, the wife is just trying to look out for her daughter, we don't know anything about her apart from this situation so no need for such a harsh judgement.

Rose and her mother need to wind their necks in. Especially if Iris gets to inherit off her grandmother down the line. And make sure you have done a will just in case to pass on any of your assets to Iris because your wife is only seeing her dd's side. Guarantee she will try and "even things up" if anything happens to you.

Look after her daughter at the expense of a traumatized teenager