AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

The girls are not equal though are they? Iris has lost her mother, but Rose still has hers…

your newest wife and Rose need to suck this one up and accept Iris’s relationship with her maternal Gran and all that it brings.

Also to echo others, please protect your daughter in your will, with reference to any additional money that was her mother’s.

Your wife will clearly favour her own daughter

It’s the first year you have all lived together and now your wife wants your DD to stop going on trips with her grandmother as she thinks the children should be equal. Sorry but your wife is an asshole with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. You don’t stop your DD relationship with your dead’s wives mother and her maternal grandmother and your stepdaughter and her mother need to be told to step away from trying to interfere

Oh wow. Your daughter has lost her mum and your mil has lost her daughter. Stopping these trips sounds like extreme cruelty to me. Please don't. To be honest the fact that your wife demands this would make me question the relationship.

I see everyone is jumping on the "evil stepmother" podium… and of course none of us ever snooped in our big sisters' bedrooms so that must be harshly punished as well.

This has got bugger-all to do with Rose and her grandmother maintaining their bond. (Why does that necessarily require extravagant holidays?) (It doesn't!) It's about an adult swooping in on a family with two children and singling just one of those children out for holidays and extended shopping sprees. I still think Grandma should examine her intentions here. The intention of all parties should surely be to foster a good relationship between Rose and Iris that will sustain in the future.

Neither of the children are at fault but perhaps the older one could be a little more sensitive about flaunting her gifts, or share them with her non-sister. Just to be nice.

Honestly Baffled I think you may have been sniffing something.

At least read the OP @BaffledShopper

Rose is the step daughter.
And no one has ‘swooped’ in on this blended family because the trips have been happening for many years, including with DD’s late mother.
How Iris and her GM maintain their bind is up to them. Not the OP’s new wife or DSD.

Will Iris have to forgo having boyfriends , learning to drive, going to university, getting a job until Rose can do all those things? Would that make for better family relations?

Iris had better start breast binding PDQ before Rose starts whining "it's not fair; Iris has bigger breasts than me."

I snooped on my step sister and my brother.

and my mum pointed out that I shouldn’t have been their in the first place so had no right to moan. Over and dealt with.

Also haven’t seen the women who was my step sister for 24 years.

no one swooped in. This tradition has been going long before the Op met his wife.

@BaffledShopper are you trying to wind people up.

If Iris hadn't lost her mum Rose wouldn't be in the picture.

Rose probably has alone time with her maternal granny too, what about gifts from her father and grandad should they be made to send double?

Op needs to tread carefully and put his DD first, she is 16, she could be off to Uni in a couple of years. She is at an age when she could decide to go and live full-time with Granny.

Neither of the children are at fault but perhaps the older one could be a little more sensitive about flaunting her gifts, or share them with her non-sister. Just to be nice.

She kept the gifts in her room, hardly 'flaunting' them.

She and her granny also bought her step sister a gift too.

Wt actual f is wrong with you, you have a weird agenda, and it's showing.

YANBU, your wife and her daughter are being ridiculous and selfish. Surely she has a grandmother/father/relatives that your daughter is not. I don't blame your step-daughter as she is young and probably just a bit selfish (weren't we all at that age) but your wife is really awful asking you to stop these trips.

Grandmother’s relationship with Iris predates Rose. As do the trips.

Rose is nothing to do with the grandmother. Her ex son-in-law choosing to remarry a woman with a child does not oblige her to start acting like they’re both her grandchildren. They’re not, and never will be.

stopping the trips won’t encourage closeness between Iris and Rose, if anything it will destroy any chance of a positive relationship. In Iris’s position, I sure as shit would not have anything further to do with Rose if the trips were cancelled. I would also reject outright Rose muscling in on trips with the grandmother.

Iris didn't flaunt her new things; she even brought back a gift for Rose.....who then went snooping around Iris' bedroom.

Honestly I'm waiting for when OP comes back in a year's time to say that Iris now has a boyfriend but his DW wants to put a stop to that relationship because it upsets Rose who doesn't have one yet.

Fast forward to the future when Iris cannot get married unless Rose is getting married too. See how ridiculous "equality" without fairness can be?

This is probably very important to Iris's grandmother too. She has lost her daughter. I can't even begin to imagine.
Planning and going on special trips with her grand daughter is probably keeping her going. This is not time that anyone else can be a part of.

@BaffledShopper , are you understanding the scenario?!? Iris has lost her mother. Her grandmother, while grieving the loss of her daughter is wanted to spend some special time with her grand daughter. All perfectly normal and lovely. She has no link to Rose at all. The purpose of the trip is to foster the bond and relationship. Why would she invite a child who is not part of that bond? If Rose was there would they be able to talk about Iris’s mother?

As others have said, if Rose’s Dad took on holiday ( I know he is not around much but as an example) would you expect him to take Iris too?!

Totally agree with this. Rose is jealous and her mother too. Such a shame they can't be happy for your daughter given what she's been through.

100%.

I came back on the thread specifically to mention this as well.

please take the opportunity to quietly look for your first Wife’s personal items such as jewellery, and where those items are now. If you have any concerns, perhaps your first MIL would be happy to mind these things for Iris for the future?

it’s been a family member’s experience that her father’s second wife helped herself to everything including clothes that belonged to his first wife and the daughter was left with nothing of her mum.

I think you and/or your DD will have serious regrets if she can’t go away with her DM, who won’t be around forever and has suffered the most horrible of losses.

I’m all for treating children fairly but sometimes, fair is not the same as equal.

Iris needs to continue her special time with her grandmother. It's nothing to do with Rose.

And @BaffledShopper is either being deliberately obtuse for self-entertainment, Rose's mother, or just doubling down and digger a deeper hole 🤔

I'm sure your daughter would rather have her mum back than any number of trips. I suggest you remind your wife and rose of that. Shit this down. My mum does when I was 7. Rose is behaving appallingly. As is everyone but your MIL.

*digging 🙄

You do not stop their trips.
The step daughter grows up and realises her sister lost her MOTHER. Your wife grows up and stops trying to control this situation because her princess is being a brat.

I'm a sceptic so I'm think there's a smidge of sock puppetry going on here.