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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
Benjieandjacksmum · 27/10/2022 20:24

Op I really hope this is not being discussed in front of the two girls. Iris needs to know that she can trust you to have her back, support her and put her first. She has lost so much a few presents are really neither here not there.There should be absolutely no doubt between you all especially the selfish 13 year old who sounds like she needs a word with about empathy and loss. Your new wife should be firmly told Rose will be going on these trips for as long as she finds them fun and helpful and random 13 years are not invited. Tread carefully life has already been unkind to your daughter she needs to feel loved and supported. How you how you act now will determine your future relationship.

WindyHedges · 27/10/2022 20:25

She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals

Well the only way the two girls could feel like equals is if your first wife hadn’t died. Does your wife (or Rose) even consider this?

Its really important for your DD to keep that link with her mother. It must be very tough for her.

Plaidparty · 27/10/2022 20:26

louisart · 27/10/2022 18:33

@Ohhhhladz She doesn't see her dad very often. The last time was about 2 months ago. Other than her dad she only has her grandfather on that side of her family. I don't think they are close either. He sent her money for her birthday, but that's about it.

And did your wife insist he sent both girls money? As that is what she is asking for - parity! I bet she didn’t!

Completely bonkers to expect the grandmother to take someone she doesn’t know nor is related to her on holiday. Hi

Swampthing55 · 27/10/2022 20:31

Not that it matters but I read it as being a female couple. Not a man and wife.

HisNibs · 27/10/2022 20:32

Since these biannual trips have been going on for years, why has it only become an issue this year? It's concerning that DW only thinks that it's a problem now. Of course Iris should maintain these events with her GM. If you let DW (and Rose) have their way, it will destroy your relationship with Iris.

Gilmorehill · 27/10/2022 20:34

Rose sounds rather spoiled and your wife is very insensitive and lacking in empathy to your dd needing a close relationship with her dgm in the absence of her dm.

Upwiththelark76 · 27/10/2022 20:38

YANBU but your wife is . Please don’t ever try and stop your daughter from spending the precious time with her grandmother . I think it’s super special and you DSD needs to get over it .

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 20:39

Its not unfair its just life
Does your step daughter see her dad and his family ?
Your daughter is also 16 so good luck stopping her
Your sd is old enough to understand family relations
She still has her mum your dd does not

MacarenaMacarena · 27/10/2022 20:39

I'd also be careful about finances and your will... Please ensure that your daughter is protected in case you die. Sounds like your wife wouldn't be very bothered about her...

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 20:41

@BaffledShopper but they are step sister not sisters and the GM is no relation at all to the Step daughter
She didn't choose to blend families and neither did the OP daughter
If it was the OP mum maybe there would be a point but its not

Original poster
louisart · 27/10/2022 20:41

@HisNibs This is the first year we all lived together.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 27/10/2022 20:42

your daughter is far more polite than I would have been at 16 and faced with that. I would have cordially invited the pair of them to go fuck themselves. Any attempts to stop the trips would have also resulted in voting with my feet to live with my grandmother.

do not stop the trips. Not if you want a good relationship with your daughter, or for your daughter to have good relationships with your wife and her daughter.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 27/10/2022 20:44

No, don’t stop their trips, stepchild and your wife need to be reminded that your daughter has lost her mother and her maternal grandmother is treating her own grandchild. Stepchild shouldn’t be snooping in your daughter room.
Does your stepchild’s grandparent treat your daughter the same as she treats her own? I expect not.

Dinoteeth · 27/10/2022 20:46

MacarenaMacarena · 27/10/2022 20:39

I'd also be careful about finances and your will... Please ensure that your daughter is protected in case you die. Sounds like your wife wouldn't be very bothered about her...

Op this is a very good point.
Please make sure your will is sorted so your Daughter doesn't end up being disinherited.
Unless you have a Will everything goes to your new wife.

drpet49 · 27/10/2022 20:48

Dartmoorcheffy · 27/10/2022 16:31

Yanbu and your stepdaughter is old enough to understand that as you rightly say, it's your daughters grandmother and not hers. Don't give in to this.

I completely agree. Do not stop the holidays because of the step daughter.

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 20:49

Your ex mil also bought gifTs for you all which she didn't have to do
There are loads of kids across the uk who maybe live with siblings or step with different dads who don't get to do same things
One dad may not see his child, whilst another may whisk them away
You just try and treat them fairly is all you can do
Maybe a little day trip of choice for Rose thats not to costly when Iris is away etc
But at 16 I don't see how you can tell Iris what to do in regards to her GM

HermioneKipper · 27/10/2022 20:53

I can’t believe you’re even considering stopping the trips.

If my new husband suggested such a thing after my daughter had lost her mother I would be having serious doubts about the relationship.

i can understand why Rose is jealous - teenagers are selfish and unreasonable. But that your wife is entertaining such a ridiculous request. Is beyond the pale. Rose needs to be told in no uncertain terms that these trips are for Iris and her grandmother and that’s the end of it. And she should be grateful for the gift she’s been brought back

RisingSunn · 27/10/2022 20:54

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

This ^ is nonsense.

This is your daughter’s special time with her grandmother. A time to bond and perhaps reminisce about her mother.

Don’t take that away from her.

Your SD really shouldn’t be snooping. Your daughter and her grandmother were kind enough to bring gifts back for everyone. That should be enough.

Kellykukoo · 27/10/2022 20:54

whumpthereitis · 27/10/2022 20:42

your daughter is far more polite than I would have been at 16 and faced with that. I would have cordially invited the pair of them to go fuck themselves. Any attempts to stop the trips would have also resulted in voting with my feet to live with my grandmother.

do not stop the trips. Not if you want a good relationship with your daughter, or for your daughter to have good relationships with your wife and her daughter.

This!

Gagaandgag · 27/10/2022 20:55

I can’t get over how childish your wife is being on this one! She needs to tell her daughter to stop!

oldstudentmum · 27/10/2022 20:56

Your step-daughter needs to understand that your daughter is going away with her grandmother it’s bonding. Your daughter has already lost her mother. Your daughter is not Cinderella having to go without because her father remarried. The trips your daughter has with her own grandmother is separate from family holidays. End of . Why should she miss out on her maternal family bonds. I would be fuming if I was your daughter and this will cause problems it could grow and manifest into your daughter hating them, and thinking you favour them over her just to keep the peace. If that was the case I would when old enough up sticks and f**k off to my grans. Not to mention any inheritance your daughter might receive in many many years to come, is she going to have to share ? Stand up for your child in maintaining her maternal bond with her grandmother, your daughter had one mum and her grandmother is the closest thing she now has.

The question is do you want to potentially lose your daughter.

peanutbutterontoast7 · 27/10/2022 20:56

It's all understandable. The trips, the jealousy, the want to not stop the trips.
Continue with the trips, it's very important to your daughter and her Grandma. I also think it's important it remains just them.
But also consider step daughters feelings. I'm not saying that she deserves a trip just because the other daughter is getting on but maybe arrange a little trip or special 121 time with her whilst the other one is away.
She probably will remain jelous for a little while but over time she will get over it!

SometimesNine · 27/10/2022 20:57

Please do not stop your daughter's trip with her grandmother. This is the way for them to bond and heal, recovering from their mutual loss. Your wife surely must understand that. The insistence of taking both girls is entitled and ridiculous. It would change the dynamics of the trip, and would feel like a forced burden on them.

Murdoch1949 · 27/10/2022 20:57

Absolutely nothing wrong with your daughter having a holiday with her grandmother. You should not impose the stepsister into the holiday. It is good your daughter has someone to treat her.

nocoolnamesleft · 27/10/2022 20:59

I think these bonding trips between the grandma who has lost her daughter, and the granddaughter who has lost her mum are of immense value. To both of them. I think it is beautiful that they are keeping up this vitally important tradition, and it must be protected. Depriving your daughter of this living breathing link to all she has lost would not only be senselessly cruel, but it would grievously harm your relationship with your daughter.