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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

520 replies

louisart · 27/10/2022 16:28

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

OP posts:
3ShotsOfEspresso · 27/10/2022 19:42

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

Ridiculous comment.

Pinkfluff76 · 27/10/2022 19:42

Rose and your wife need to catch a wake up and stop being so selfish. Life isn’t fair. End of.

MysteryBelle · 27/10/2022 19:43

Why are you even considering this? Your daughter lost her mother and taking these special trips with her grandmother is a tradition that keeps her connected with her late mother and gm who lives far away. No way should you let your new very cruel wife and her selfish malicious daughter dictate to your daughter that she cannot travel with or receive presents from her own grandmother. What the ?!

I think you chose badly the second time around. Sounds like they will make trouble for your daughter forever. I would not put up with their hate and manipulation for another minute. ‘Keep the peace’ in the household by standing by your daughter.

Beachmumm · 27/10/2022 19:43

She will grow to hate you and your new family and it’ll be your fault. Just because your step daughter doesn’t have a GG doesn’t mean your daughter should lose hers, esp has her own mother has past away. Even thinking about asking their relationship to take a back seat just shows how much bad talk your mrs is feeding you. She old enough to understand this and should be having a word with her own daughter, explaining your DD and her GG relationship.

WhitePhantom · 27/10/2022 19:44

Insane that you're wife expects these trips to stop! Of course your DD will have experiences with her own extended family that Rose won't - and vice versa!

If your wife wants everything to be "fair" then she needs to have a word with Rose's own grandparents to make sure they take Rose away on trips now and again.

Very cruel of her to even consider that this would be an option. Cruel to your DD and cruel to her DGM. And indirectly cruel to Rose to allow her to think that everyone should pander to her.

SofaLola33 · 27/10/2022 19:47

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

No and no again!

OPs DD lost her mother and shouldn’t lose out even more then she already is to keep the peace!

its unreasonable for OPs wife to make such demands and she should have some compassion for OPs DD and her grandmother!

pinkyredrose · 27/10/2022 19:47

Really harsh to expect a 13 year old to just 'deal with it'

I don't think it is actually.

FlamingoQueen · 27/10/2022 19:47

Your poor mil. It is so important that she keeps a bond with her gd. Imagine how she would feel if she’s lost her own dd and then can’t take her granddaughter away because someone else’s child will get upset. I’m not normally so harsh on here, but tough shit!
You will cause irreparable damage if their trips stop. Please, please stand up for your dd (and you seem like you will, which is great).

MrsDamonSalvatore · 27/10/2022 19:48

Your poor daughter lost her mum and your MIL lost her daughter. They have a unique bond which is absolutely nothing to do with your step daughter. It’s great that they have the opportunity to have quality time together. Your step daughter is an entitled little brat and your wife is wrong to encourage her. It’s nothing to do with them.

MysteryBelle · 27/10/2022 19:51

What 2 little bitches your wife and her daughter are. I don’t think I’ve been this outraged on mumsnet before and I’ve been reading it for years and years. And I don’t ever use the b word but I do today! How cruel they are. Your poor daughter and mil.

hoowhoo · 27/10/2022 19:54

This trip sounds something really special they have between them. Your DD cherishes it and they both have a great time. Shame on your wife for her jealousy, and how spiteful she is trying to cancel it. Your daughter has welcomed your new wife into her family as you wanted it and in return your wife wants to ruin her relationship with her grandma as she's jealous of the possessions she doesn't have. That reflects really poorly on her character and I hope you have the sense to realise that.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 27/10/2022 19:54

Nothing should change.

The grandmother/daughter relationship is a separate entity to your current family. It will continue if this relationship ends, and the current relationship/family situation should not be permitted to alter it in anyway, this would not be fair on the 2 actual people in the relationship, the grandmother/daughter.

Sapphire387 · 27/10/2022 19:54

You know what? The language being used on here about a CHILD is vile. The wife is in the wrong, clearly. The trips shouldn't stop, and she shouldn't have said it. But stop laying into a 13yo like this, it's disgusting. She's probably had a rough time in her life too and this new situation will be hard for her.

catandcoffee · 27/10/2022 19:55

I think there's a saying...your wife needs to wind her kneck in....pretty sharpish.

Dinoteeth · 27/10/2022 19:59

Op with the exception of a couple of fruitloops the vast majority on this thread realise the importance of this time together for both of DGM and DGD.

I wonder if the jealous Baffled would feel the same if DGD was just going to visit DGM rather than them using it as time to holiday together.

However DGM wants to take DGD away for holidays, and long may it continue. Those will be special memories for your daughter.

Cactuslove · 27/10/2022 19:59

BaffledShopper · 27/10/2022 16:30

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

What!?

Cactuslove · 27/10/2022 20:00

thing47 · 27/10/2022 16:39

The long and the short of it is – your new wife doesn't get a say in her stepdaughter's relationship with her own grandmother, particularly when it now functions as a connection between the two of them which keeps the memory of your late wife alive for them both.

Absolutely 100% this.

Cw112 · 27/10/2022 20:01

No I think these trips are a lovely way for iris to spend time with her granny and probably to feel close to and remember her late mum. I think it's really unfair for your wife to expect this to end just because rose is jealous. I think your wife needs to sit down with rose and explain that that is the purpose of those trips rather than just being a fun trip away. It's understandable at Rose's age that she'd be jealous but she needs to learn compassion and that sometimes it needs to be OK that life isn't fair.

PopcornChewingGum · 27/10/2022 20:04

It would be cruel and unfair to deny dd's grandmother and dd the chance to develop as close a relationship as possible.

StClare101 · 27/10/2022 20:10

Your new wife needs to grow up. She sounds as mature as her 13 year old.

Under no circumstances should the trips stop.

StaunchMomma · 27/10/2022 20:10

YOUR job is to advocate for YOUR daughter.

It is not your daughter's fault that her Grandmother likes to take her away and your step daughter's doesn't.

I think it would be incredibly unfair to curtail opportunities for your daughter purely because your SD is jealous.

Don't be rail-roaded, your daughter deserves time with her Grandmother and what they do with their time togerher is not anyone else's business but theirs and yours.

Anonymouseposter · 27/10/2022 20:18

Your new wife is being very nasty. Your daughter and her grandmother will have a special relationship after their daughter/mother having died. It's good for your daughter to have this relationship and it wouldn't be the same if your stepdaughter was invited along.
Your daughter is also 16 and almost grown up, it would be inappropriate to tell her she can't go.
Your stepdaughter is immature and a bit jealous but it's up to your wife to explain things to her and help her cope.
Stand up for your daughter strongly. It will cause huge resentment if you don't.

Hellno44 · 27/10/2022 20:19

Iris should continue going on holiday with her grandmother. It's her grandmother and part of her routine. I don't think Iris going on holiday with her grandmother is unfair to Rose. Rose has her own extended family. She is 13 and needs to understand that although it she might feel jealous that your family is a blended one. The extended family will treat her and iris differently because they are different to them. Iris grandmother is not related to her at all and doesn't have to treat them the same and Iris shouldn't miss out because or Rose's feelings. However, Iris is also old enough to understand that we don't rub people's noses in things and show off because that's hurtful. Maybe she could be a bit sensitive and not share all the holiday details.

Wetblanket78 · 27/10/2022 20:21

UANBU Jealousy is an ugly trait. Why should she stop the trip's? Would you stop DSD having contact with her biological family?

Jewel7 · 27/10/2022 20:22

Your daughter lost her mum. She is entitled to go on these trips. You do not need to treat the girls as equals they are different ages. I have 2 children from time to time I may do something nice with one of them but make sure the other one gets a takeaway or something else to make up for it and visa versa. It’s good for them to have time apart. Your step daughter needs the reasons explaining to her. Ask her what she would like to do while your daughter is away. Come up with a few ideas. She does sound jealous. Please stand up for your daughter.