AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Rose is being a brat. Your daughter deserves to spend time with her grandmother. The poor girl has lost her mother.

I thought the same. This is really weird behaviour by the new wife and the potential for it to develop is very scary. I hope this woman has not done some kind of bait n switch on the OP. ☹️

What an outrageous request. Of course the trips should continue. I find it shocking your wife would pander to her DD and request this. Part of life's lesson is learning things aren't always fair.

Your wife should think of a way to save and treat her DD.

Ah I see the 13 year olds grandad gave her some money - that needs sorting out then doesn’t it OP? Either grandad gives your DD money now to make up for it or he’s off the Christmas card list. Evil git. Hope your DW tells him ASAP …

YANBU and neither is your MIL. It is wonderful that she wants to do this for her granddaughter. She has no relationship at all with Rose, and Rose and your wife need to both grow up and stop being so jealous.

Iris should not be deprived of lovely times with her grandmother just because they are jealous. The grandmother has lost her daughter, your daughter has lost her mum and it is great if they can spend time together and you are doing the right thing in allowing it.

The girls are not sisters, they do not share one parent. They are step sisters, and Rose has no entitlement to things that Iris' maternal grandmother wants to do with her. Rose needs to stop and think about the fact that she still has her mother. Her mother needs to stop and think that Iris does not have a mother and stop being so bloody ridiculous. If people think that Rose is too young to deal with it, then her mother should be the one putting her straight.

Families can be blended by marriage, but it still doesn't make them blood relatives and in your case this isn't your mother but your late wife's mother, so nothing to do with your current wife and her daughter.

Knowing someone and being in a relationship with them is a whole different world away from each other.

this is a huge red flag. Be mindful of this. We’ve many of us missed them and regret it. You have your dd best interests at heart. I don’t think your dw does. Anyone with half a heart wouldn’t ever suggest this.

has she tried to cut you off from any other family/friend relationships? Is this the beginning of a isolation of sorts?

your dw may have spoken to you privately, but clearly more conversations are going on between her and her dd. In addition Her dd has violated your dd boundaries and is having a tantrum about unfair treatment - id want to see consequences for this. It’s totally not on. Our home space needs to be absolutely safe.

life’s unfair and the comments about having an open conversation about that and your dw daughter asking your dd not to see her gm are unfair on her AND her gm. That dw dd has her family and it’s her space to cultivate that doesn’t include your dd.

I can see that most people here have little or no experience of blended families. Really harsh to expect a 13 year old to just 'deal with it'. Also wrong to stop the trips.

But I think the trick to blended families is to make things feel as 'fair' as possible. What can be done for Rose that would make things feel more even? That is what needs to be done.

Her mum could die? She could move in with a younger girl who resents her and then lose a relationship with a grandparent on that girls say so? Fair enough?

If you stop these trips you are erasing another part of your late wife from your daughters life. I'm sure you don't want that. Her mother having passed away will have left an enormous hole in your daughters life, a hole that these trips don't by any means fill but they will soften the hard edges, give her time and space away from her normal life to connect with the only person she has who is part of her mother.

Your stepdaughter and wife actually sound like awful fucking psychopaths, to have no empathy for what this small part of your child's life means to her and make it about what the daughter doesn't have 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely and furthermore red flags lead to absolute misery if you get locked into a relationship with someone who only has their own interests at heart.

my own dh was very nearly taken out by some such creature

they say anything, do all sorts… until you’re hooked - engaged, married, living with, pregnant and then then mask slips.

deal with it decisively and if it’s just a blip it stops, if it doesn’t you can end up so entrenched you can’t get out. There are kids - already traumatised- in the midst of this.

If you stop your daughter from going she will wait two years, start going again and really resent you and your new family. It would be cruel beyond measure to deprive your girl of her time with her grandma, I'm sure it's so special for them to continue their bond, especially now they've both lost someone so important to them.

Honestly it's worrying your wife can't see this. Your wife should want her step daughter to continue these trips. Are you a man OP? If so - the poor girl doesn't have a mother! That's extremely difficult and this very important grandma relationship is if anything more important than ever. There is no way in hell I would want my step daughter who had lost her mum to go without a special trip and chance to bond with her family.

Does Rose have grandparents?

It would certainly be more sensitive if iris doesn't flaunt her new things but aside from that there is no reason why she shouldn't see her grandparent

Of course your DD should carry on with these trips.

That’s like saying she should stop seeing her dad if her step sister doesn’t see hers.

As a single parent I am aware that if I blended my family that my step children will have different family members to me and my DC.

They’d also need to understand that my DC will continue seeing her family and doing things with them that doesn’t involve the new step siblings or parent.

Don't be so ridiculous.

You're presuming Iris has had entirely the rough end of the deal.

I am suggesting that it would be tough for a 13yo in a blended family to see the other child have lovely trips while she doesn't. It would be nice if something could be done that is special for her too.

Your wife's mother needs to step up and take her granddaughter out for a day occasionally

Takes a real piece of work to try and stop these trips with her material grandmother following the death of her mother. Your new wife is showing you who she is. Protect your dd.

How will learn Rose by being rewarded for poor behaviour? Openly jealous, complaining to her mother, snooping through someone else private things in their bedroom?

Rose is 13, not 3. It’s up to her mother to help her ‘deal with it’.

I think it's lovely that your daughter spends time with her grandma, it must bring them both such joy and comfort.

if your stepdaughter was younger perhaps I would understand your wife's pov but the girl is 16 and old enough my to understand surely?

but sadly for her your wife does not have a day in the relationship between your daughter and her grandma.

it would be a totally different scenario say if it was your mother but your your late wife's mother is not responsible for your stepdaughters happiness.

does your stepdaughter have a grandma? Let's not forget she's still has her mum, which sadly your Dd does not 💗

Sounds like a great learning opportunity for Rose. Parenting is not about saving children from emotional pain, it's about helping them understand their feelings & how to deal with them. 13 is tricky, but your wife's reaction gives you an indication as to why Rose hasn't learnt this lesson already.

Support Iris, love Rose. No way should Rose have ANY input into a parenting decision like this. I Hope Iris enjoys her trip.

Ok, I just realised I got the ages mixed up and your step daughter is 13 but my still, she should be enough to understand.

Absolutely not! That grandmother has lost her daughter and is doing a good job of keeping her granddaughter in her life! They need time to be together just the two if them!

This completely and utterly 100%.

I've not read the more recent posts so apologies if someone has mentioned this but what about your child's grandmother too??

I imagine these trips must bring joy and solace to her - how awful for others to suggest cancelling them based on jealousy - an older lady who lost her daughter???

This definitely sounds like a plot to a teenage novel.

The OP’s wife should have nipped it in the bud and reminded her DD that if Iris’ trips are unfair then it’s unfair each time she does anything with her Mum.

It should never have got to the point it has and that is all on Rose’s mother. She should have dealt with it. 13 is not too young to be told she’s being ridiculous about a specific matter.

And I say that as someone with a blended family including DS1 whose mother died when he was a toddler.

She doesn't see her dad very often. The last time was about 2 months ago. Other than her dad she only has her grandfather on that side of her family. I don't think they are close either. He sent her money for her birthday, but that's about it.

I presume your wife will also be stopping any money her daughter gets (that isn't matched for your daughter) from her daughter's family. Also why should she get to see her father if your daughter can't see her mother. So your wife would expect those visits will stop. Fairs fair.