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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

334 replies

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 27/10/2022 14:39

What are Dads teaching their daughters, I wonder?

If MN is a fair representation girls are not being taught to take on jobs such as ‘putting the bins out’, lest alone how to use an electric drill, rawl plugs, a lawnmower.

And living in rural isolation for reasons other than farming etc, does seem to infantilise teens and young adults in terms of relying on taxi of Mum/ Dad.

hamstersarse · 27/10/2022 14:40

A lot of children are mollycoddled these days

You seem unaware that you are also unintentionally mollycoddling your dd, going to pick her up aged 17 when she was with friends who she could have travelled home with quite safely.

LoveMyCats1 · 27/10/2022 14:40

Yabu I'd baby my child if there were male or female.

Marynotsocontrary · 27/10/2022 14:41

Do you have sons OP?
It's been asked before and I don't think you've answered.
I do think it's relevant because as a pp put it, you seem to be blaming and almost 'othering' (some) mothers of boys.

Marynotsocontrary · 27/10/2022 14:43

I'm with you in ensuring that 17 year olds are safely home though, OP. I live rurally and collecting them is usually the only way.

voiceofmarion · 27/10/2022 14:46

I see your point op but the same can be said for parents treating their daughters like princesses. It happens both ways.

Notjusta · 27/10/2022 14:47

Ugh so sick of the bile about teenage boys (boys in general) on here.

Also this OP: I'm not sure why the mum's of boys, who are raising their children to contribute to their homes, are so outraged. Surely I cover that in the title and first para

Maybe because even if we do expect our boys to help out around the house and do their share, we aren't happy to let your sexist and unhelpful statement go?

itsnotdeep · 27/10/2022 14:49

ridiculous women blaming post based on a sample size of 1.

There will be many reasons that the patriarchy is perpetuated - but if you want to look close to home, it should be the relationship model that BOTH parents are modelling to their children. The number of lazy arsed men on here is just ridiculous. And no, I don't think it's their mother's or their wife's faults that they are like this.

fwiw I bring up my children (boys and girls ) the same. And yes they do have to do chores, and their washing, and cook and lots of other things. My eldest son is 23 and appears to be a non-sexist, respectful man.

voiceofmarion · 27/10/2022 14:49

FWIW my teen DS would have made their own way home after making sure the girls were safely home too

shouldn't he make sure that all his friends regardless of gender were safely home? Males have much more chance of getting attacked on the street than females.

OoooSweetChildOMine · 27/10/2022 14:49

Yes it's the Mum's fault obvs! 🙄🙄🙄

Marynotsocontrary · 27/10/2022 14:49

And living in rural isolation for reasons other than farming etc, does seem to infantilise teens and young adults in terms of relying on taxi of Mum/ Dad.

But what do people do? To suggest that everybody (except farmers) should raise a family in an urban environment is quite bonkers😂

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 14:49

@hamstersarse how do you know they could travel home safely ? If mine went to the next village a couple miles away there is no transport and dark country roads and a dual carriagewY, a taxi would be approx £50-60 if they could even get one
We pick out kids up , they now sometimes pick is up, we sometimes drop friends or family off and vice versa
If going into our local town my kids walk but sometimes if its raining I offer a lift, not because I mollycoddle but because im a decent human

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 27/10/2022 14:51

The irony of the OP. 🤣

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 14:52

@SuperCamp where do you suggest we live ?
I live in a small town surrounded by villages so sometimes my kids may go to a mates in a village so we may pick them up, now one has a licence he sometimes picks us up
Cabs are expensive and not always available
Mine are infantised because they occasionally get a lift to and from somewhere, they can use a cab and a bus , but just not a choice where we live

RB68 · 27/10/2022 14:54

My DD actually told me it was literally my job as a Mum. I told her it didn't come with a JD and her role as an almost adult child was to practice for real life whilst at home...made her get the hoover out lol

Dahlia444 · 27/10/2022 14:55

roaringmouse · 27/10/2022 14:30

I think most mums of boys will be trying their best to raise 'decent' men. But how 'decent' boys turn out to eventually be, will be down to lots of different factors that mums have no, or very little control over, such as their sons' unique genetic make-up, influences outside of the home, including environmental and socio-political factors, as well as social media and peer groups. Who knows if this particular teenager you reference will turn out to be 'indecent', because his mum liked to do everything for him! I think to draw such a correlation is simplistic and annoying.

OP this is why you've got my back up. My DH and I are trying to raise 3 teen DSs and a primary DS. We are doing our best and yet they all have flaws as we all do. And what with worrying about so many different life aspects for them, whether they will turn out to be chore sharers, great husbands and fathers etc we have literally no idea.

We hope so and do our best, but surely you can see that your criticism of mum's just feeds our own insecurities? Have we done enough? Could we be doing more? Is our approach right? If you never question yourself as a parent I'd love you to tell me the secret of your confidence.

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 14:56

@iamjustwinginglife you are un reasonable just assuming its only boys mums , because one boy said it
Its many parents these days who do a lot for kids , i have friends who do all for their kids some mum of boys some girls , some both
Some do nothing and others a middle ground
Like I said my friend with 2 girls same age as my boys , is surprised how much i get mine to do and always have been.
So can I then assume thats all mum of girls ?

TimBoothseyes · 27/10/2022 14:57

hamstersarse · 27/10/2022 14:40

A lot of children are mollycoddled these days

You seem unaware that you are also unintentionally mollycoddling your dd, going to pick her up aged 17 when she was with friends who she could have travelled home with quite safely.

Yeah because all 17 year olds live in areas served by buses and Ubers....except they don't and some do have to rely on parents to ferry them around. 🙄

shutthefuckingfuckup · 27/10/2022 15:04

LoveMyCats1 · 27/10/2022 14:40

Yabu I'd baby my child if there were male or female.

Poor kids

PetalLeaves · 27/10/2022 15:08

LeMoo · 27/10/2022 13:45

I don't think the op is wrong, necessarily.

There are lots of people who don't raise their children to be lazy and entitled, but there are also lots of threads started by parents who seem stuck how to handle children of any age because they're seemingly averse to any sort of discipline.

I see lots of posts where people claim teenagers should be excused bad behaviour because their brains haven't fully developed yet - as if that means they're incapable of individual thought or empathy for others.

As other pp have pointed out, some parents love doing everything for their children even into adulthood. It makes them feel needed and it's an expression of love. Because their children are essentially good people, they don't see it as an issue but then they're not the ones who have to date them.

It doesn't just apply to boys - girls are often equally spoiled, but as an woman-centered site where many relationship issues discussed her focus on power imbalance, it makes sense that her opening post was about boys. And she didn't include a disclaimer!

Im at an age where my friends are settling down and starting families. I've both dated men and have male friends who's mother's have continued to attend to their every need well into adulthood. Even though these men are good partners and pull their weight, their mothers baby-ing of them still causes problems for their relationships. And each bloke knows they just have to smile or use a certain tone of voice for their mum to jump to do their washing/ironing/cleaning.

Funnily enough, when I meet girls and women who are like this having been spoiled, they're judged much more harshly than their male counterparts!

Not all men applies here, but enough men. And the op is right, if we want to foster permanent change in our sexist world we need to look at we raise our children. Most parents get it right I think, but it only needs some.

You hit the nail on the head. I personally blame my DH’s parents, particularly mum, on some of his laziness because up until now, she still continues to baby him. It’s created problems in our relationship because he grew up not having to lift a finger. I don’t stand for it and i will raise my children, regardless of gender, to look after themselves and not be a burden on others.

You’ve hit a nerve for some people OP because the truth hurts. People need to look beyond this perceived sexism and focus on the real message. Stop creating the partners/husbands/wives we frequently read about on this site!

PurpleWisteria1 · 27/10/2022 15:09

Topgub · 27/10/2022 14:00

@PurpleWisteria1

I dont think cave women (if thars what you mean by evolution) were running comfortable homes

I think its far more about socialisation than evolution

Its also possible to 'raise babies' and have a career.

Of course cave women were running comfortable (for cave man standards) homes? How on Earth do you think you are sitting at your phone right now? The homes were comfortable enough that humans survived and thrived. The roles for living were very firmly shared - men hunted and fought off predators. Women nursed and protected babies.
Not sure how you can say that a minuscule amount of time building society as we know it now over rides the entire millions of years humans have evolved and been alive. We are animals built to survive. And have done that very well through dividing the tasks between men and women.
What do you think would have happened if men all stayed at home with the babies in cave man times and only women went out to kill food?
Its build into the very core of us who we are. Knowing and acknowledging that helps us develop and be better. It helps to understand why so many of the problems today between the current role expectations of men and women are as they are.
Its society you say- right but why? That’s what you asked in your first question.
On your second point- how does a women raise her baby when she isn’t with the baby? By raising I mean being the primary care giver- being with the baby / child mostly 24/7 7 days a week.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 15:10

03X · 27/10/2022 12:10

Wtf - maybe change to parents of children?

Why? There’s hardly a deluge of men on fora complaining that they’re overloaded with juggling work, domestic chores and life admin whilst their wives expect them to do everything, is there?

PetalLeaves · 27/10/2022 15:12

MegGriffinshat · 27/10/2022 14:27

I’m guilty of this. My eldest is 20.

I’ve done/do everything. But only because I did everything for myself, cooking, cleaning, everything from age 10 (one parent died, the other extremely mentally ill).

I was then totally alone from 16, having to work and pay rent and bills on top of looking after myself.

My life was hell, I never felt looked after or secure.

I am sure there is a happy medium, but my younger years fucked me up and I never wanted my children to experience even the tiniest part of that.

I completely understand your background and understand why you do it but please stop. You are not helping your child. They will struggle in house sharing situations, relationships, work etc. and become a burden on others. Find other ways to show your love and teach them how to function like a real adult.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 15:14

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 14:56

@iamjustwinginglife you are un reasonable just assuming its only boys mums , because one boy said it
Its many parents these days who do a lot for kids , i have friends who do all for their kids some mum of boys some girls , some both
Some do nothing and others a middle ground
Like I said my friend with 2 girls same age as my boys , is surprised how much i get mine to do and always have been.
So can I then assume thats all mum of girls ?

Depends. How many married women do you know who expect their husbands to do all the domestic chores, child rearing and work whilst they spend hours down the pub/cycling/golfing/opting out of family life by being strategically incompetent?

then contrast that to the number of men you know who don’t pull their weight domestically because they expect mum/wife to magically do everything.

which do you think is the commonest scenario?

Viewofthesea · 27/10/2022 15:15

When my brother was living at home, he was well into adulthood and he turned into a drug addict at home and my mother encouraged it all. She never said anything to him and blamed it all on his girlfriend.

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