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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

334 replies

iamjustwinginglife · 27/10/2022 12:06

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 27/10/2022 15:16

Yep. All the mums I know who do everything housework wise for their 18+ year old kids (who still live with them) are boy mums. That doesn’t mean for a moment all boy mums are like that - but they’re very ‘my little Prince’ and seem to thing their precious sons need waiting on hand and foot. Then they expect the girlfriend to take over when they get one! One mum I know has some weird jealousy of her son’s girlfriends and won’t speak to them at all 🤯

Holly60 · 27/10/2022 15:17

So basically if a woman ends up with a man who is thoughtless and doesn't help in the home, she really needs to look for the nearest female and blame her??

Great.

Cuppasoupmonster · 27/10/2022 15:17

Also what’s hilarious is all the responses here will be ‘YABU girl mums can be like that too’, while on another thread talking about the patriarchy and how husbands are lazy, spoiled and misogynistic.

Topgub · 27/10/2022 15:17

@PurpleWisteria1

Except there's lots of evidence to show that it was never that linear.

Women hunted and gathered. They didn't sit around playing house.

If we had evolved only to be pcg then no women would want anything else. No men would care about parenting. And thats clearly not the case.

Men and women are obviously biologically different but not to the extent that it means we can't be equal parents. Especially not now.

And if you think only children who are with 1 pcg 24/7 (until what age?!) are raised then 99.9% of people weren't raised.

2bazookas · 27/10/2022 15:21

Not many teenage boys will admit they donned the marigolds and buckled down on the cleaning when their parents went away.

The first time we went away leaving a solo teenage boy, we came home to find the house eerily immaculate, powerful pong of disinfectant and all the floors freshly washed. If that hadn't given the game away, outside the back door were a pile of bin bags stuffed with empty bottles. No boy could ever have drunk so much beer by himself...

Itstheimplication · 27/10/2022 15:22

I actually think this teen boy was riling you up on purpose. Especially since you were ferrying them all about like some kind of taxi.

Blanketpolicy · 27/10/2022 15:22

My son is much more capable in the kitchen than either of my nieces of the same age or his girlfriend! They can all do a bit of baking but the girls can't actually cook a meal beyond sticking something in the oven.

He also does all his own laundry, including bedding, and keeps his room, reasonably clean. His girlfriend mostly comes here because her room is a mess.

He also makes his own way when going out - either by walking, bus, taxi. It is rare he asks for a lift, usually only when really necessary and never asks me to drive his friends about everywhere anymore, as they are also all more independent now and don't expect it especially at ridiculous hours. He works PT so budgets into his days out and pays for his own taxis.

Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

Mothers of girls - There are as many princesses out there as there are princes.

TinyKittenPaw · 27/10/2022 15:23

A good reminder for mums and dads of Boys and girls.

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:23

@FurAndFeathers I don't know many married people who have a relationship like this tbf ?
My mum only ever worked part time but my dad still did childcare , housework etc
My dh is same we share it and always have, sometimes one week one might to more than other due to work commitments etc but it evens out
Very few if my friends have a relationship which its expected
I have a friend who is a sahm ( her only ds is 18) she does do most housework etc but in that case i can see why, he DH would like her to work but she doesn't want to
Even my friend who runs around after her girls is in a relationship where her DP does an awful lot and he moans at the amount she still does for the kids
So actually not all of us are surrounded by the only type of relationships you tend to see on here
But you will generally see the bad as it would be seen as gloating if someone started a thread , look how we share everything this is what everyone should do etc

MegGriffinshat · 27/10/2022 15:24

PetalLeaves · 27/10/2022 15:12

I completely understand your background and understand why you do it but please stop. You are not helping your child. They will struggle in house sharing situations, relationships, work etc. and become a burden on others. Find other ways to show your love and teach them how to function like a real adult.

Show quote history

He’s turned out well considering.

He’s got a fantastic (albeit a bit dangerous) job, he lived in a house share during training last year and managed fine (he decided to move home rather than stay on to save for a deposit for a flat, his girlfriend went back to her parents to save too). He’s not struggled in that way.

He appreciates everything and it came across wrong, he’s not waited on hand and foot. He leaves for work at 5:30 am and does his work washing on every other day on his way out for example as well as lots of other bits that he just does.

He's not a pampered prince - I just like the fact that I am here to do the big stuff (and dh who more than pulls his weight), so he doesn’t have to struggle like I did.

pigcon1 · 27/10/2022 15:24

A quote from a friend in Ireland.

“I don’t know why mothers do everything for their sons, it makes them so unappealing (she may have one as far as to say unmarketable)”

as a mother of boys I completely understand the temptation that must be resisted.

who wants to partner with a hapless incompetent

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:26

@FurAndFeathers do frequent mens forums regularly then ?
Plus they don't use them half as much as women generally speaking
The odd time a man moans on here he is shot down and the responses differ

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 27/10/2022 15:26

I love it when women are blamed for the faults of men and boys. Such a feminist viewpoint Hmm

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 15:26

Always the women’s fault, isn’t it? Nowt to do with dad.

Also, you were the one ferrying then around at 1am. Pampered little princes AND princesses.

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:28

@MegGriffinshat you don't have to justify helping your dc etc
My kids are capable but I still do bits for them because its a long time being an adult so why not
If i go to my parents they still do things for me and its nice going home for a visit , isn't that what we all want

Ugzbugz · 27/10/2022 15:28

I agree and am a mother of boy I probably spoil.

However, what is it with all these women marrying these usless men? Staying with them? And then having multiple children knowing they did fuck all with the first child?

It's not just a mother thing.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 15:29

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:23

@FurAndFeathers I don't know many married people who have a relationship like this tbf ?
My mum only ever worked part time but my dad still did childcare , housework etc
My dh is same we share it and always have, sometimes one week one might to more than other due to work commitments etc but it evens out
Very few if my friends have a relationship which its expected
I have a friend who is a sahm ( her only ds is 18) she does do most housework etc but in that case i can see why, he DH would like her to work but she doesn't want to
Even my friend who runs around after her girls is in a relationship where her DP does an awful lot and he moans at the amount she still does for the kids
So actually not all of us are surrounded by the only type of relationships you tend to see on here
But you will generally see the bad as it would be seen as gloating if someone started a thread , look how we share everything this is what everyone should do etc

Ok so you don’t personally know many. Can you understand that for many women this is a real problem though?

the Relationship board here is full of examples if you want to understand the problem better. There are also women on this thread who have shared the challenges they’ve faced with partners whose parents did everything for them.

And it’s a problem we see less often in reverse. So yes there’s a reasonable basis for the OP specifically mention mothers of boys, though I agree that parents generally should be equipping their kids with life skills and that parents of girls should probably be raising them with better boundaries and expectations of their partners.

Flossiemoss · 27/10/2022 15:29

As a mum of boys I would also say there is the same onus on parents of girls not to bring them up as princesses!

i am bringing mine up to pull their weight - I have to say they aren’t so far impressed by any girls giving out the princess vibe so perhaps we’ll be ok.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 15:30

Ugzbugz · 27/10/2022 15:28

I agree and am a mother of boy I probably spoil.

However, what is it with all these women marrying these usless men? Staying with them? And then having multiple children knowing they did fuck all with the first child?

It's not just a mother thing.

Right. So you’re blaming women for marrying the useless types of man you’ve decided to cultivate?
nice.

catandcoffee · 27/10/2022 15:32

100% agree with you but the ones doing it will never admit it 😁

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 27/10/2022 15:33

Flossiemoss · 27/10/2022 15:29

As a mum of boys I would also say there is the same onus on parents of girls not to bring them up as princesses!

i am bringing mine up to pull their weight - I have to say they aren’t so far impressed by any girls giving out the princess vibe so perhaps we’ll be ok.

Agree with this - I know FAR more useless and entitled young women than I do young men.

FurAndFeathers · 27/10/2022 15:33

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:26

@FurAndFeathers do frequent mens forums regularly then ?
Plus they don't use them half as much as women generally speaking
The odd time a man moans on here he is shot down and the responses differ

I know enough men and enough marriages/partnerships to know that it’s incredibly rare for a man to be juggling work/childcare/housework/domestic load whilst his wife spends her time at work or on hobbies and expects him to cover everything else.

the reverse is more common for women and evidenced by observation, books, the media and online fora.

happy to be corrected if you have evidence to the contrary?

PetalLeaves · 27/10/2022 15:34

It sounds like you’ve raised a lovely young man then 😃I guess maybe it also depends on the personality of the child and other factors.

Jenasaurus · 27/10/2022 15:38

It's not only boys though, I was envious of my friend as whilst I shared chores, like washing up, cleaning my room etc with my sister, her mum used to say to her, not to wash up or clean up after herself as she would have years ahead of that. It was sadly not the case as she died in a car accident at 23, it was like her mum knew that she should enjoy her life while she could.

I am not saying that children shouldn't help out, in fact I have 2 DS and 1 DD, my 2 DS are now married and share the workload with their wives. If anything, my DD is the one that did less, I think because she was the youngest and premature so think I did spoil her (plus when I see her bedroom and it reminds me of how I kept mine !) My DF who was born in 1928 was a single child and his DM raised him to do his bit as he would cook, clean and share the chores with my DM, so I have always had this as an example to follow with my own DC

healthadvice123 · 27/10/2022 15:40

@FurAndFeathers whetes your evidence plus I was talking about the people I know and surround us
Wheres your evidence that mums only do this for boys and not girls
Maybe get a new circle of friends who don't think like it
Not one of my friends lives a life like this
No one male or female should think its ok for. A partner to do all the work , you could argue that maybe mums of girls need to bring them up to not put up with this shit ? But im sure many many do , I know mine did , plus I learnt from example , my dad has always been hands on and my mum and dad have always equally split the workload

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