Mothers of boys -some of you are not helping

[iamjustwinginglife]

I'm sure there are numerous mums to boys who don't treat their sons like little princes and ensure they help out around the house however I'm not sure some mums are helping their boys to grow up in to decent men...and this is why we find Mumsnet full of posts about useless husbands who don't pull their weight at home.

Last night, I had a car full of teenagers all 17 (2 x boys, 2 x girls) and one of the boy's parents had come back from holiday. "It's nice to have them back, I won't need to clean up after myself anymore." Now, they're all good kids, it was just chatter-so I suggested that he carried on cleaning up after himself even though they were back. His reply was "mum likes looking after me, she says it's her job as a mum to make sure she looks after me and gives me everything I want." My child thought that sounded like a great idea-and I bit my tongue to not point out that some mums (me!!) were driving round the countryside at 1am.

This mum works part-time, the children are 17 and 20 and she's obviously got the time to do it but AIBU to think that allowing children to true up thinking they'll be waited in hand and foot isn't really helping them in future life.

Or even a teenager or indeed an adult man could take some responsibility instead of relying on his mummy?

Always the mothers to blame, never the dads! 🙄

It's not just girls. My mum did EVERYTHING for me growing up. It did me a massive disservice. I'm useless at everything household now and really struggle with the basics of home keeping. I'm 40 and have 2 children and am appalled by how messy our house can get.
I'm trying so hard but ultimately I wish I had been taught to make this stuff part of my life from age 10 or under so I didn't resent it all so much.

@ShouldIdo Yes, well said!

@iamjustwinginglife Listen, go catch up on the sleep you lost when you were driving around the country side at 1am lecturing other parents about their choices.

Okay little miss perfect 😴.

To be fair dad would probably get an earful if he started telling mum to step back and let the kids cope. Mums who treat their children like this see it as their job and won't take kindly to interference.

Though OP was wrong to point this only at mothers, and only at mothers of sons - I think an interesting conversation could have been had. I do know some people who thought that their job as a parent WAS to “do everything” for their kids, and as a result the children have grown up to expect everything done for them. I don’t think it’s my job to do everything for my son, I think it’s my job to teach him how to be an adult.

It wouldn't matter what the mother is doing if the father is visibly doing 50% of the work in the house. I don't think he'll get an earful for doing the dishes and if he really would maybe he shouldn't be with someone like that?

You know what they say... if you can get away with not doing something you will!

(I am unsure if I made that up or whether its an actual quote)

People do what they need to do to get what they want/need. Why would any child (or person) opt to do things that they don't need to do? What incentive is there?

@YukoandHiro

My mum did everything for me. My house now is clean, tidy and organised. I am sorry but you’re an adult now. Stop blaming your mum because you can’t be arsed to push a hoover around. I doubt having that forced upon you at age 7 would have made a difference. Even with all the will in the world some people are just a bit messier than others and that’s okay. Me and my husband share the load so it never feels that overwhelming.

I have two dds. I am frequently shocked by the behaviour boys seem to get away with. One friend has a son who is so violent I stopped seeing her as was a bit scared of him to be honest and he was only 7. I do find myself avoiding mums with boys quite a lot as their behaviour I find appalling. I don’t say anything I just make a mental note to avoid. Mums just seem so so gentle with their sons and underreact to behaviour I personally see as really worrying. I must say I have seen this Lot in the uk. Yadnbu op.

@Dalaidramailama I'm not blaming her as such but I definitely feel like it would have been better for everyone (including my mum!) is we'd all been expected to share at home. My mum was a SAHM and did absolutely everything. She still thinks it's appalling that I "make my husband put on washing himself" even though we both work.
It's a weird dynamic coming from that kind of martyrdom as I'm both admittedly useless at it all but also feel like a huge failure of a mum and wife for not being on top of everything 100 per cent of the time too. We have a cleaner to keep on top of the basics but I just done have the house proud gene and I wish I did

Right. Will add this to my list of things I'm responsible for..... to be clear, can dd sit out this chore-bootcamp?

OP I don't know why you felt you needed to bite your tongue in the car! Let she who is without sin cast the first stone and all that...

@YukoandHiro

Well just be grateful you’re not a martyr then like your mother. You might well have been if youde have been skilled up by the age of 10 😉. Enjoy the cleaner and don’t give it a second thought.

I do think boys are most massively influenced by their father’s in how they treat women, and how their father cleans up or doesn’t around the mother is the biggest factor in this.

Look to those fathers!

This is such an important point. I only ever see mums with seemingly out of control boys. Dads and male role models are so important for boys to grow up well. More important than anything else as a predictor of future life chances and success.

This! Just one more thing to blame is for. A man being useless will always be a woman's fault!

You're on mumsnet, dad is usually absent or every other weekend.

What a strange and untrue comment.

Maybe in your world @BigFatLiar but not in mine and not something I've noticed particularly on Mumsnet either.

This thread is the most ridiculous misogynist thread I have seen in a while.

OP, go see the mother in question. I am sure she will appreciate your input.

I’m not sure why you think I’m the person to be advising a poster I know nothing about @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet ?

My point was that one person’s experience of fair treatment is not supported by the data generally. So threads like this are helpful in raising awareness

This is our situation. Last bus at 10.15, no Uber and too far to walk, 16 yo DS1 knows it’s the last bus or he pays for a taxi. Got to teach them some independence OP…

That is a very berating title and I'm not in the mood.

I watched as my sister raised her son to be a totally useless man. She never asked him to do anything around the house and spent a small fortune on buying things for him, including a brand new car for his 18th birthday. His behavior was atrocious. She told me millionaires give their children everything they want and they grow up to be good people. She also told me I was jealous, even though I'm far better off financially than she is. She said if I really had money I would have bought my children (now adults) more stuff. She also told me she did it because she wanted her children to "like" her when they were adults. Her son was a awful child and teen. He managed to get himself a criminal record, even though his mother said, "he will want for nothing", apparently he did want more, so he stole, committed crimes.

He's over 40 now. He stays home while his live-in girlfriend works and pays his mortgage. Only his name is on the mortgage because my sister paid for the down payment for the house. Girlfriend wants a big family, but he told his mother (who told me) he wasn't going to have more children as he already had a son (from his younger years) and besides, who's going to pay the mortgage if she stays home having babies & raising children. The girlfriend was orphaned as a little girl, has no one to talk to and he's lied to her on about the future he has planned. Meanwhile she's getting older.

We all saw this coming. She has a daughter as well, who has her own issues due to the way she was raised.