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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should MIL be charging her GC for staying with her?

186 replies

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 09:33

Background - DS got offered an apprenticeship in a different town to where we live (2 hours away by train)
As we was staying all week and most weekends an agreement was made he would pay her £400 a month.
After about 6 months, his company changed how they wanted him to work so he was wfh more (he wasn't enjoying living at MIL's as he didn't know anyone, etc) so he reverted to doing approx 2 days a week there and the rest of the time here at home
We changed the payments to £200 to me and £200 to her. Over the last 3 months, he has stayed there only 3 times and as he spends the majority of time at home, I suggested I get the money instead.
FI - when he stays at MIL in the last 3 months, she doesn't cook for him (he buys his own food) & he brings his washing home- whereas at home, he generally eats with us, his washing goes in, etc

He has had to go to up for a couple of nights this week and next (he will probably not then go for a couple of weeks and then may stay 1 or 2 nights only)

MIL has said that if he stays in future he needs to pay £25 a night to stay (no food being offered still!)

For context - she is a single pensioner on her own. There is no mortgage on her house. Last year she stayed with us for 3 months whilst having work completed on her house which we funded and took out a large amount added to our current mortgage which she now pays the interest only on (approx £125 pm) never clearing the capital as her house was in a terrible state with no proper heating and electricity upstairs etc. We did not charge her for staying with us and she made no contribution whilst here (as in she never even paid for a takeaway one night!)

AIBU to think she shouldn't charge DS when he stays occasionally?

YABU - of course she should charge and he should pay
YANBU - he's her GS so should stay free (but maybe it would be nice to get her something sometimes)

OP posts:
Misstes · 27/10/2022 11:43

I can't understand why she is paying for the interest on the loan for renovations on a house that isn't even hers, Can't you pay for the loan (that you should be anyway) on the understanding that your son can stay there free within reason when ever he needs too. Freeing up some money for her now times are harder, you after all have an extra £400 coming into the house now from your son.

BillyBigBillicks · 27/10/2022 11:44

I totally agree that when they are earning then they should be asked to contribute. My DS was asked and we agreed on an amount but it isn't the majority of his wages!

user1471457751 · 27/10/2022 11:46

@RedHelenB @NoSquirrels she is not a tenant and she is not paying rent. She is paying the interest on the loan the OP had to take out to fund the improvements on the house. The trust is very likely to say that in return for her being allowed to live in the house she is responsible for maintaining the property.

There was likely no requirement for the OP and her husband to fund any work on the place but they did because they care about her. Given the state of disrepair she let the house fall in to they may actually be able to take legal action against her (either to kick her out or force her to maintain the property) so they've been very generous paying for the work themselves.

As for her being a poor pensioner - she has never had to pay rent or mortgage in her life. If she is in a poor financial situation now it is entirely of her own doing.

And no, the OPs husband isn't his mum's landlord because he isn't allowed to charge her rent.

ancientgran · 27/10/2022 11:48

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:19

We wanted him to be aware of how much things cost so I save half of the money he gives me into an account for when he (may eventually) move out.
We pay for his transport costs (as he's an apprentice and train fares are expensive!)
We pay for his mobile phone contract
He is insured on my car (which he pays for) and puts petrol in it but doesn't pay any upkeep on it
My viewpoint is he needs to have an idea of budgeting and costing for future life and to have an idea that money doesn't grow on trees and that the bank of mum and dad will not be there to support him forever

Show quote history

Well if you want him to understand budgeting and planning for his future why are you saving for him with his money? Let him work out what to do with the £200, he isn't learning by you making the decisions for him. Let him decide what he wants to pay for his phone etc. You aren't really helping him to budget if you are just doing it for him.

I think you were a bit disingenuous how you presented this. You elderly MIL is paying the interest on doing up a house that is in effect your husband's. You now admit that was an investment but she is paying for your investment.

I don't think she should be paying the interest and then she won't need to charge your son.

user1471457751 · 27/10/2022 11:54

I find it bizarre how many posters seem to think the MIL should be able to live both rent free but also spend nothing on maintaining the property. The OP has said she and her husband are not allowed to raise funds against the property so have had to shoulder the costs of maintenance themselves. The MIL seems actually quite selfish that she is happy to put such a financial burden on her son.

ancientgran · 27/10/2022 11:56

MummyJ36 · 27/10/2022 11:24

Why are you charging your son to live with you? He’s only 18 and he’s doing an apprenticeship. Hardly earning big bucks and still very young!

Yes apprentices don't generally earn a lot of money, it's an alternative to university really as they are continuing their education so I'd expect to be subsidising them just like I did when mine were at university.

Namechangehereandnow · 27/10/2022 11:56

Aside from anything else - £400 per month on an apprenticeship wage?? Honestly, you should be helping your son out more by not charging so much! How do you expect him to ever save up for his own place/driving lessons/car etc? He has to also live and enjoy himself!

PurplePansy05 · 27/10/2022 11:59

The trust is very likely to say that in return for her being allowed to live in the house she is responsible for maintaining the property.

You don't know what it says, and in any event, day to day maintenance is not rewiring or adding reasonable adjustments due to age or vulnerability.

Also, if she was a single mother, maybe, just maybe, she couldn't have juggled that with a full time job or gone back full time easily 20 or 30+ year ago if not more, posters who are saying this are failing to consider this.

Babyboomtastic · 27/10/2022 12:01

How sad how much this is all about money, and what everyone is 'owed'. For what it's worth, I think you should be issuing the interest, and I wouldn't be charging an 18yo on an apprentice wage, rent.

Urgh, it just all seems so grabby.

maddy68 · 27/10/2022 12:03

U can't imagine any grandparent charging their grandchildrenk ey for the odd nights stay. Tell her to do one

ancientgran · 27/10/2022 12:03

user1471457751 · 27/10/2022 11:54

I find it bizarre how many posters seem to think the MIL should be able to live both rent free but also spend nothing on maintaining the property. The OP has said she and her husband are not allowed to raise funds against the property so have had to shoulder the costs of maintenance themselves. The MIL seems actually quite selfish that she is happy to put such a financial burden on her son.

They borrowed the money on the mortgage for the house they live in, how is that any more of a problem than if they could raise the money on the house they own but MIL lives in? That's a complete red herring.

The MIL has the sum total of £6k if the house needed lots of work £6k wouldn't go far and she'd have nothing in reserve which isn't ideal if she is living on a pension. Obviously her son should pay for the work on a house he owns. If no one can maintain it they should reach an agreement to sell up and buy a smaller property that is suitable for the MIL but belongs to the OP's husband. Someone I know had to do this, his father left the house to him but with the step mother able to live there for life As she got older she wanted to move to a small bungalow that was more suitable for her. They saw a solicitor and sorted it out.

AnApparitionQuipped · 27/10/2022 12:14

It's entirely up to her if she wants to charge him. No one is forcing him to stay there.

What's the going rate for a B&B in the area - I would say it would be fair to charge the same, less a couple of £ if no breakfast is being provided. If he's not happy he would have to sort something else out, but why should she put him up for nothing? He is presumably using heating, electric, hot water etc.

yoyo1234 · 27/10/2022 12:18

Initially I thought unfair when you said about how she stayed rent free at yours and you funded refurbishment of her place. No not sure. It is not her place it is your DH's she gets to stay somewhere owned by him rent free. She stayed at yours (owned presumably by you and DH) rent free- though yes she would normally pay bills despite liferent (eg heating, telephone, council tax all of which she would need to pay for in an unlived in house) . You oaid to upgrade a house owned by your DH.

yoyo1234 · 27/10/2022 12:19

Sorry about typos

Juliejuly · 27/10/2022 12:20

Calculate exactly how much it costs your son to live with you, so food, share of council tax, utilities etc and then charge him that. Stop saving his money for him, that's really not teaching him anything.
Then tell him to find somewhere to stay for night's he's away, and if he can find somewhere for less than £25/night, then he can decide for himself of he wants to stay with is grandmother, or pay a stranger.

Juliejuly · 27/10/2022 12:21

sorry for typos too!

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2022 12:22

Perhaps she doesn't really want him there, and the charge is a deterrent? I'd just pay for a hotel room or suck it up at grandma's.

yoyo1234 · 27/10/2022 12:24

I think it's up to her what she charges but likewise it was up to you what you (didnt ) charge her for additional heating etc when she stayed with you. As she had liferent on a property belonging to your DH which you renovated you may have been liable for her rent (when she could not use the place). I can understand your upset though.

user1471457751 · 27/10/2022 12:29

@PurplePansy05 nobody knows what it says but that hasn't stopped other posters commenting on it and accusing the OP of being selfish.

She was a single mum to one child and that one child, surprise surprise, grew up. Of course she could have worked full-time at some point in her life. Those of us who don't get to live rent free have to. Being a single mum to one is not a reason to have never worked full-time in a c.40 year working life.

OriginalUsername3 · 27/10/2022 12:32

My aunt has a similar set up with her house. She is allowed to live in it, but when she dies it belongs to her DIL. She had still funded all the changes needed in the house to accommodate herself and her disabilities. So I do think you did something you weren't required to do there.

You also let her live with you for 3 months for free. So I don't see how she thought that reasonable but charges her own grandson.

I don't know a single grandparent that wouldn't love having their grandchild over to stay and certainly none that would charge! What is she charging for? Not food. Not washing. It's not like she was letting out the room. So she's charging for his morning shower? I think she's a bit shitty tbh but what can you do? She is who she is and it's cheaper than a hotel.

user1471457751 · 27/10/2022 12:34

@ancientgran The point is the husband has very few rights over this property right now but was expected to shoulder the financial burden with no complaint.

I agree with you that it would be better to sell up and move MIL to a more affordable property they could maintain. But it seems like the MIL didn't want to move. She also kept this situation from her son. The OP stated that they've only know about the house not actually belonging to the MIL for 4 years because the MIL kept it a secret from her son.

Silvers11 · 27/10/2022 12:38

As ultimately, the house will be DH on death, we paid for the improvements as an investment as she did not want to move to live with us if her health failed and didn't want to go into a care home.

Why would your MIL be paying the interest on the mortgage now then? The proceeds of the house will go to your DH in due course, and you funded it basically on that premise. Seems pretty mean thing to do to be honest. 'We'll improve the house which we will benefit from in due course and it will help MIL stay in her home - but she has to pay the interest on it'.

I can see right there why she feels DS should pay something when he stays with her.

OldEnoughToHaveReadBunty · 27/10/2022 12:39

DH owns her house. No, he wasn't obliged to pay for the improvements while she is living there but allowing a property he owns to become pretty much derelict is not financially sensible now is it? The loan he has taken out will no doubt be more than repaid once the house is sold in years to come. MIL is paying the interest, why do you think she should repay the capital too when that will more than happen in the future?

No, I don't think MIL should be charging her GS £25 per visit but then I don't think you should be charging him £400 per month either as an apprentice. You sound extremely mercenary.

The fact MIL lives rent free is irrelevant, although you are clearly bitter about it. Her DF made that arrangement & your DH will ultimately benefit.

AnApparitionQuipped · 27/10/2022 12:39

What is she charging for?

Heating - having radiator on his room
Hot water - presumably he has a shower/bath daily
Water itself if she's on a meter
Electricity (use of lighting, charging phone, possibly TV or other entertainment)
Washing of his bedding
Her labour in keeping his room clean, vacuumed, bedding changed, cleaning of anything else he uses.
Wear and tear on bed, bedding and anything else he uses
Any sundries such as tea/coffee

PhilomenaPringle · 27/10/2022 12:40

I think yabu. You paid to upgrade a house that your dh will inherit

And getting the mil to pay for the loan.