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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should MIL be charging her GC for staying with her?

186 replies

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 09:33

Background - DS got offered an apprenticeship in a different town to where we live (2 hours away by train)
As we was staying all week and most weekends an agreement was made he would pay her £400 a month.
After about 6 months, his company changed how they wanted him to work so he was wfh more (he wasn't enjoying living at MIL's as he didn't know anyone, etc) so he reverted to doing approx 2 days a week there and the rest of the time here at home
We changed the payments to £200 to me and £200 to her. Over the last 3 months, he has stayed there only 3 times and as he spends the majority of time at home, I suggested I get the money instead.
FI - when he stays at MIL in the last 3 months, she doesn't cook for him (he buys his own food) & he brings his washing home- whereas at home, he generally eats with us, his washing goes in, etc

He has had to go to up for a couple of nights this week and next (he will probably not then go for a couple of weeks and then may stay 1 or 2 nights only)

MIL has said that if he stays in future he needs to pay £25 a night to stay (no food being offered still!)

For context - she is a single pensioner on her own. There is no mortgage on her house. Last year she stayed with us for 3 months whilst having work completed on her house which we funded and took out a large amount added to our current mortgage which she now pays the interest only on (approx £125 pm) never clearing the capital as her house was in a terrible state with no proper heating and electricity upstairs etc. We did not charge her for staying with us and she made no contribution whilst here (as in she never even paid for a takeaway one night!)

AIBU to think she shouldn't charge DS when he stays occasionally?

YABU - of course she should charge and he should pay
YANBU - he's her GS so should stay free (but maybe it would be nice to get her something sometimes)

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/10/2022 10:34

I was going to say ywbu until you said you paid for her renovations plus put her up rent free for 3 months

Original poster
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:35

viques · 27/10/2022 10:31

Ok I see you are saving money for him.

Am still a bit meh about you charging the interest on the mortgage you took out to renovate was is effectively your OH’s property. It’s like charging her rent to live in her own home. I think most peoples thoughts would have run along the lines of ”My elderly mum is living in a house which is dangerous and uncomfortable, because she has not had the financial ability to renovate it herself, it would be a kind and sensible thing to get the house made safe and liveable for her because it would be untenable if she fell and injured herself ,and as a bonus it would also be a good investment to maintain the integrity of a property which will eventually become mine.”

I wish i had said it like that actually as that is indeed what happened and we wanted her to be able to stay in the house as long as she was able to and maintain her independence.

OP posts:
Weepachu · 27/10/2022 10:36

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:19

We wanted him to be aware of how much things cost so I save half of the money he gives me into an account for when he (may eventually) move out.
We pay for his transport costs (as he's an apprentice and train fares are expensive!)
We pay for his mobile phone contract
He is insured on my car (which he pays for) and puts petrol in it but doesn't pay any upkeep on it
My viewpoint is he needs to have an idea of budgeting and costing for future life and to have an idea that money doesn't grow on trees and that the bank of mum and dad will not be there to support him forever

Show quote history

Ah sorry, makes sense! Definitely good to teach him the value of money.
It’s a touchy subject for me as my DP has to pay £600 a month to stay at home during a full time, non paid training course which already cost him £10k in fees and left him in debt. Had to do own washing and only a couple of meals a week provided. I’m just bitter about a useless FIL 😂

Weepachu · 27/10/2022 10:36

*had

OoooohMatron · 27/10/2022 10:36

Honestly I'd find him a cheap b&b to stay in.

Quitelikeit · 27/10/2022 10:37

what would she say if you said he shouldn’t pay?

and what does your husband think?

Blueink · 27/10/2022 10:40

No of course he shouldn’t have pay to stay with his DG, but the lead in with past money arrangements have led her to this conclusion.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2022 10:41

I'd try to have a factual convo with mil. Is she struggling financially? What money does she have coming in? Is it just her state pension?

Mari9999 · 27/10/2022 10:42

In essence, it sounds as though she has a life tenancy in a house that for all practical purposes is owned by your husband. He made repairs on his property.

The MIL does not appear to have many available resources. If your son can find cheaper accommodations, then he should do so. If he is a working adult, he should be able to negotiate terms with his grandmother without your involvement.

.You should leave the 2_of them to come to terms. If they cannot work out some mutually agreeable terms, he can find other accommodations. He is past the age where his mom should be negotiating his living arrangements.

kateandme · 27/10/2022 10:45

Him staying a night every now and then to me is just normal visiting gc.and then he’d feed us beautiful roasts and proper butchers meats!oh and of course he’d get the m&s biscuits out.😍

EdieLedwell · 27/10/2022 10:45

What's your sons take home pay?

£400 seems like a lot of money to be taking from a teenager.

You phrasing it as "AIBU to think we should have all of the £400" seems quite grabby.

Original poster
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:45

Every year I go through Moneysaving expert with her and we check what she’s entitled to and I shop around for her insurances.

She does have savings in the bank (over £6k)

OP posts:
Bimblybomeyelash · 27/10/2022 10:45

My viewpoint is he needs to have an idea of budgeting and costing for future life

Then why not let him keep the 400 quid and then he can sort out paying for his own transport and phone costs and food shopping.

EdieLedwell · 27/10/2022 10:46

Bimblybomeyelash · 27/10/2022 10:45

My viewpoint is he needs to have an idea of budgeting and costing for future life

Then why not let him keep the 400 quid and then he can sort out paying for his own transport and phone costs and food shopping.

This.

Original poster
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:49

EdieLedwell · 27/10/2022 10:46

This.

Show quote history

So he shouldn’t be paying any rent at his normal home at all then?🙄
or should he be paying that on top?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 10:49

I don't think the renovations are relevant because they're an investment.

I don't see why she shouldn't charge him £25 a night. That's cheaper than a bed elsewhere for the night. Equally will the company not pay for his accommodation?

EdieLedwell · 27/10/2022 10:53

So he shouldn’t be paying any rent at his normal home at all then?🙄*
or should he be paying that on top?*

Depends. How old is he? How long is he working? How much is he earning?

My mother couldn't wait to lash into our wages when we were just starting "To teach us the value of money"

We still talk about that as siblings and how it was anything but that.

Marcipex · 27/10/2022 10:53

And no food? How bloomin miserable.

Original poster
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:55

Mari9999 · 27/10/2022 10:42

In essence, it sounds as though she has a life tenancy in a house that for all practical purposes is owned by your husband. He made repairs on his property.

The MIL does not appear to have many available resources. If your son can find cheaper accommodations, then he should do so. If he is a working adult, he should be able to negotiate terms with his grandmother without your involvement.

.You should leave the 2_of them to come to terms. If they cannot work out some mutually agreeable terms, he can find other accommodations. He is past the age where his mom should be negotiating his living arrangements.

Does a tenant for life not have to pay anything then?
or should they be expected to keep the property in a liveable condition?
(this is genuine question as we are unsure and yes we are probably at fault as we actually assumed it was her house for years!)

OP posts:
largeprintagathachristie · 27/10/2022 10:57

Bit of a drip feed for you to mention later that her house is actually in trust for DH.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 27/10/2022 10:59

In the context that it is your DHs house, ignore the fact that she stayed with you for 3 months and didn't pay anything. She sees herself as much poorer than you.
I can't imagine my mum or my grandparents taking a penny from grandkids doing an apprenticeship. Buy if her life savings are £6k, it puts it in a different context. If you are taking £400 a month from him, maybe discuss directly what it costs him to stay, heating and so on and pay her directly from that money.

HiveBee · 27/10/2022 11:00

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 27/10/2022 10:35

I wish i had said it like that actually as that is indeed what happened and we wanted her to be able to stay in the house as long as she was able to and maintain her independence.

Show quote history

Yes but where your accusations of her being tight fall down is the fact that you’ve charged are £125 in interest on the loan. That actually should be your cost to bear on the basis that you will be the long-term beneficiaries.

that would be like me putting up the rent for my tenants on the basis that I’ve improved my asset and they just happen to get to use those improvements in the meantime. For new tenants yes that’s plausible but not for existing ones.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 27/10/2022 11:00

These trusts are such a bad idea, I know several women who have ended up trapped in a house which is unsuitable for them because they don’t own an interest in it and so have no capital to put towards a new house.

it’s still odd, though. I thought most grandparents would be wanting a GC to stay. Perhaps they don’t get on? Or maybe she finds a young male around the house a bit disruptive.

Moonatics · 27/10/2022 11:07

I think she just doesn't want him there. And as its rude to say that, shes come to this conclusion, if she asks him for money, he probably wont come.
If she was really in need of money (probably not with 6k savings) she could rent a room out.
If he decides to pay anyway, she will up the cost until its cheaper for him to get a hotel room.
Just tell him to get a hotel room. At least food is often included and he brings his washing home anyway.

dreamingofsun · 27/10/2022 11:08

The arrangement my son had with MIL when he stayed for a year doing his masters was that he would pay for any increase in bills that resulted from him. he bought his own food. i dont think electric/gas actually went up in the end so he wasnt charged extra.

Maybe your husband could see if she is struggling financially? It seems unfair for a youngster on an apprenticeship to be the solution to any financial issues she has - maybe she isnt getting all the benefits she is entitled to, or her utility suppliers can be changed for example