Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

You sound incredibly kind and appear to have been very accommodating to your sister and her family.

I also have an introverted 13 year old DD, and her room is her sanctuary. Under no circumstances would I ever expect her to share it with anyone - I wouldn't even go into the room myself unless I had knocked and been welcomed in.

I understand your DN wanting a private space, but it is not your responsibility to provide this for her, it is her parents' responsibility. You have offered a bed for your nephew in your DS's bedroom, one whole bedroom and the use of your living room for your sister's family to sleep in. How they decide to spread the other 4 of them across these 2 spaces is up to them. If a private space is such a priority for your DN, then your sister should be letting her sleep in the bedroom you have offered them.

WRT the takeaways/eating out - absolutely you should continue to take your DC out each week. I'm sure it will give you and them some much needed breathing space from your sister's family, and an opportunity to talk without so many people around. Your introverted DD sounds like she will be particularly in need of this time. Additionally, you deserve this treat; you are being so accommodating and kind, your DC will appreciate having you to themselves, and vice versa.

You have given them so much, please do not let yourself be taken advantage of.

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie because the OP understandably wants to spend time with their children alone

Have I read this right?

No way would I have my teen daughter who has lost her mother give up her bedroom and share the lounge with her cousin.

Just kick them out, your kids have been through enough. A year? Seriously, no no no no.

This sounds like a stressful situation, i dunno if i could deal with having that many additional people stay in my home long term. If your sister is that upset she should take the sofa and give her kids the bedroom. If she wants her daughter to have her own lockable room then she needs to provide her own lockable house. Until then youre all doing your best. Your kids lives shouldn't change because your sister hasn't got her housing situation sorted. You are sacrificing a LOT and she (and her DH and kids) should be nothing but thankful. Keep taking your kids for their weekly meal, that's what they are used to and what they enjoy. If I had to move in with my brother and he sacrificed his living room, spare room, privacy and time for me and my family I absolutely would not expect him to pay for my 3 kids to have treat meals out, and I would never let him stop his kids from doing something they do every week because I couldn't afford it for my kids.
If your DD enjoyed horse riding, but niece couldn't go due to family finances, would you stop that too to suit your sister?

Op I do think the girls should share the room. I think the sofa for a year (or longer) is unreasonable.
Where is she mean to do her homework and find space to study?

Going out with your kids is entirely reasonable, you do need time just to be yourselves. I'm sure your sister and family appreciate the time to themselves too.

Christmas, I think going to your ILs might be the best idea. Your kids must miss their mum too and the break away from the other family might help.

A bit of me feels you've put yourself into a really difficult position. But I don't see how you can get out of it without either insisting your sister is homeless or helping her get the money they need to get back into private rented.

Your sister is a liberty taking bastard! It’s your house and I think you have made more than enough compromise.

if I was her, I’d be thanking you of every opportunity and actually thank you for going out for food so it doesn’t rub it in but also gives them some time as a family also!

think she needs a few reminders is how big a favour you are doing for them!

shes taking the piss outta your kindness.

I agree that your young teen niece needs privacy as much as your DD, so why then aren't the adults fixing this? Why can't your sister and her husband, along with the 5 yr old who has anxiety and often sleeps w/ mom and dad (understandable, he's little) sleep in the lounge and the niece get the guest room? Why can't you share your room w/ your niece?

Because they’d rather go out and have alone time with their own father, and not have any more of their time taken up by people they already have little respite from?

OP and his kids are already going above and beyond for his sister. If she’s got issues with the weekly meals out then she needs to get the fuck over it tbh.

Because OP and her family being forced to spend family time outside their home for months if not a year isn’t important

why should they give up time together

Like others have said, you are doing your sister and her family a favour by letting them stay with you, so tell her to to stop telling you what to do and that the niece can not share a room with your daughter. If they don't like it then tell them to leave x

So they’ll be with you for a year.

waiting on council housing.

what exactly does this mean OP?

that they’ll get a house in a year? Or they need to be ‘homeless’ for a year?

going to be really fucking blunt because they’re going to be there much longer. With TWO working adults it’s unlikely they’ll get council housing that is already stretched to its limit. The council will likely help them find private rented accommodation.

The best thing you can do for them is formally evict them

unless there’s issues amongst your sister and DP such as disability that prevent that which would be really important info for posters to advise.

you mention your late wife? How long ago did she die? If it’s recent (18mths or so) that’s an awful lot of change you’re putting onto your children who will still be dealing with the grief of it.

regardless of that your sister is making demands to change an already established family routine for two children who are already sacrificing a lot.

you went into this naively and you’re going to have to, metaphorically speaking, put on your big boy pants and be firm that your children come first, that it is your home and they are a guest and it’s up to your sister to explain to her own children the truth of the situation in an age appropriate way not for you to drop your standard of living to meet those of your homeless sister because if you don’t everything you have that she does not will become a bone of contention and I can see Christmas you’ll be expected to help make it look like all the kids have the same presents/same amount.

This ⬆

They are incredibly fortunate to have somewhere to stay while they are homeless.

Your daughter has the right to have her own space respected; your family has a right to spend time as a family rather than having to share everything, every day, with their their aunt & uncle and cousins. You have little privacy in your home - any of you - at the moment; you all NEED this special time to yourselves.

This is YOUR home, not theirs and they need to remember that they are your guests.

So as well as op giving up privacy in their own home they also have to give up a weekly treat with their kids for a whole year, because 2 grown adults can't afford a takeaway for their kids?

Tell me, should these children just put their grieving on hold for a year, stop all personal conversations for a year, stop having their mates over, should op have to scale back Christmas, birthdays....

Where the fuck would it even end.

Op I do think the girls should share the room. I think the sofa for a year (or longer) is unreasonable.
Where is she mean to do her homework and find space to study?

then her parents need to sort that out for her. It’s not OP’s job to further inconvenience his own kids for her benefit.

Why can't your sister and her husband, along with the 5 yr old who has anxiety and often sleeps w/ mom and dad (understandable, he's little) sleep in the lounge and the niece get the guest room?

It's open plan. How will a 5 year old sleeping in an open plan living area work. work

This was my thought too, they will come back from their Christmas break and the Niece will have moved into the bedroom

Also, OP, if they're still there at Christmas and you go to your in-laws, please be very careful. You may come home and find your niece has moved in to your daughter's room and refuses to move out.

I think it’s more appropriate for the teenage girls to share a room as a 13 year old female needs privacy. I will just ensure some grounds rules. I also thinking eating out once per week is a really shitty thing to do. The children, especially the 10year old and 5 year old should not experience such inequalities and I would see it as an opportunity to humble my children. Furthermore I could never do this to my nephews,
either I take all children out or treat them all to a takeaway or no one gets one.

I also believe it’s a noble thing to offer your home to your sister.

Oh wait, OP, are you a dad or a mom? when I suggested you share your room w/ your niece, I assumed you were a mom, so maybe that won't work.

I think you should still consider your niece's needs, but of course, not at the expense of your DD. I would push your sister to move to the lounge and give the guest room to the niece. The niece should have a door that can lock or close for her own privacy. Your sister and BIL are old enough where that shouldn't be as big of a deal to put up w/ for a year.

The OP isn't the one making their DD sleep in the living room though, it's her sister and the husband i.e. the DD's own parents. If they aren't willing to make the sacrifice for their own daughter and sleep in the living room, why should OP's DD sacrifice her own personal privacy and space?

Tell me, should these children just put their grieving on hold for a year, stop all personal conversations for a year, stop having their mates over, should op have to scale back Christmas, birthdays....

this

i didn’t think about the wider constraints around sleep overs, I loved a sleepover, and special events during the 12 months

Your sister is massively taking the piss.

Yes it would be great if your daughter felt able to share with her cousin but she doesn't and I don't think she should be forced to.

I do think if anyone is in the lounge it should be your sister and her husband. The adults are generally later to bed and don't need a bedroom to study etc their daughter would benefit far more from her own room.

Or they have a room shared with the youngest.

As for the eating out, I think the food aspect is far less important than you and your kids having some time together without your family there too.

Your sister needs to understand that she's in your home and you are doing her a massive favour.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty for your family life.

Op, how aware are you of their council application? I ask as, considering they are housed the council will most likely be doing nothing for them. So nothing will happen for that year, in which case what's the point?

did you miss the 5 year old who would then be sleeping in an open plan living room?

I didn't know your children had lost their mother.

I cannot believe that your DD shouldn't go out for dinner with you and her brother because it's rubbing her cousins' nose in the fact they can't, yet your DD having to watch her cousin interact with her mother, in her home somehow isn't rubbing her nose in the fact she lost her mother?!!

Your Sis needs to be spoken to and quickly. This is appalling.