Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

Stand up for your daughter.

The people saying the teenage girl NEEDS privacy, are you not realising that the OP has a teenage daughter who would lose her privacy in the process?

Why would OP put their sisters child before their own?

They will never leave willingly. Tell them to leave now.

But that could be really messy. DN will be into gcses and unable to move school even if they were offered social housing. Why are they "homeless" can they not rent privately? It seems as if your dc are already vulnerable and need prioritising over their cousins.

I think if you are worried they won’t go then I’d get rid of them now

Simple. They give the teen their room and they get a double sofa bed or something off Facebook marketplace. And use that in the lounge.

also maybe you could offer to maybe now and then take the kids out, and go to one of those kids eat free or cheaper places or somewhere you can get vouchers or something for? And then if she still moans you can be like I’ve taken the kids out, so they’re not missing out, and you’ll know that it’s really her that’s a bit envious of a meal out !

Wait ...a year? No way. That's above and beyond. They will be classed as homeless so she will need to be on the sofa for them to do anything keep nagging the housing department

I know this has been suggested but I also agree that the 14yr old should be in the room upstairs, and the parents should sleep downstairs with or without the 5 yr old (they should have the option of sleeping upstairs with the 14yr old).
If necessary re-jig the beds so you have 2 singles in that room and maybe put some shelves etc along the middle. Parents can also store stuff there or in your DD room.

I don’t think you’re being U about the takeaway, but maybe you could do it less than once a week and maybe on the other weeks do a macdonalds with your kids and hers.

What happens after a year? Your sister will be bloody lucky to get a house that quickly, especially as she is being homed by you.
She'll only get somewhere when you kick her out.
Food wise do what you like, you are entitled to treat your kids but they could be more tactful and not say they've been out for food.
Bedroom wise it's difficult. You can't really expect a 14 year old to go for at least a year with zero privacy. Think she should really get the guest room but not sure what would happen with the 5 year old then. Presumably he goes to bed early and if downstairs is open plan you'd all have to go to bed early if he was downstairs with his parents.
Maybe you should just ask them to go as they will get something from the council.

Gosh you've been incredibly generous to your sister and she has been VERY ungrateful!!

No to sharing a room, and no to stopping eating out. You sister needs to wind her neck in and realise she's been VERY lucky to be housed for a year.

I would definitely go away for Christmas if I were you - the kids will need some distance and it will be better all round to have a break from each other.

You may decide that a year was wishful thinking - I adore my sister but wouldn't be able to live with her and the kids for that long. It's ok to say actually 6 months is all you can manage .

OP that's a ridiculously long time to live like this. What happened to their last house? And her room is the only place your daughter has a sanctuary with everyone invading her home. Your niece is still 13 so whilst it isn't ideal, better than 14. And it isn't your or your children's fault.

And also, I'd have thought they would have welcomed the chance to spend some time on their own whilst you go out!

I don't think it's sustainable for a 14 year old to be sleeping in the living room for a year. 3 or 4 weeks whilst their house was completed I would have thought was ok, but for such a long period you need to sort out better arrangements

*The people saying the teenage girl NEEDS privacy, are you not realising that the OP has a teenage daughter who would lose her privacy in the process?

Why would OP put their sisters child before their own?*

It’s not comparable though is it? Sharing a bedroom yes she will lose some privacy, but the cousin is sleeping in the communal areas and has none.

so sharing a room both girls have at least some privacy, rather than one having all and the other none.

it’s a little lacking in empathy insisting she has her own room while everyone else shares and the cousin is on the sofa.

I’m going to disagree with most of the other posters and say I feel that it’s you and your daughter who have been acting horribly here. Your sister and her family were on the brink of homelessness and you can’t come up with another weekly bonding activity to do with your kids that doesn’t rub in your sister’s family’s face on a weekly basis that they are poor? Go for a walk, go to a free event, be creative. Sneaking out for a meal and then expecting your relatives not to realize you aren’t eating dinner when they’re in dire financial straights is atrocious manners.

This is a perfect learning opportunity to teach your daughter about compassion and not being a selfish and spoiled princess. Sure, lots of teens like their private space. I bet her cousin liked whatever private space she used to have before her family lost their home. I think most people would argue from a safeguarding perspective, it’s better to have two teens of about the same age share a room than to have one sleeping out in the open without a locking door. Put your niece’s safety and comfort above your daughter’s teenage self-centeredness and let her share the bedroom.

I wouldn't make your DD share. She needs somewhere to escape to when it all gets too much.

I'd also have your family meals out. Your DC are making sacrifices - you need time together as a unit.

Your house, your rules. If she wants to make demands, tell her to find somewhere else to live.
Someone waiting for council housing shouldn’t be dictating to you…

What status are they at with the council housing list?
If they have housing they will not be priority

It was a few years ago. My parents let my sister and her two children stay whilst waiting for a council house. My sister slept on a sofa and her children slept in the dining room. The council deemed them to be housed satisfactorily and that rated them at zero points. Zero chance of ever getting a council house.

If your sister is insistent on her teenager having a room then she and her husband should sleep downstairs and give the guest room to the daughter. I agree eating a takeaway in front of them is cruel so I'd either take the kids out like you have or have a whole household takeaway every fortnight

Safeguarding?!
From who??

@PayPennies But why should the OP and her kids suffer? They are already doing her sister’s family a massive favour, they need to manage their kids’ expectations- it’s not like they are parading around new toys and clothes whilst treating their cousins as paupers.

OP why are they homeless? Are they working to save money? Why did you agree to a year rather than 6 months, 10 months, 18 months etc?

Is keeping them under your roof for a year beneficial to them? If the council viewed them as homeless now, they'd be getting a place eventually. If they stay with you for a year and then are made homeless by you (as is the plan) then it's a) delaying the inevitable b) putting you in the position of being bad guy and c) going to ruin your relationship with them too.

Unless they are able to save enough to get a deposit and afford private rent, then how is this year actually benefitting them in reality?

You're doing a very kind hearted thing. I'm really curious (and worried) that it's not going to have the result you initially intended.

And for the bedrooms, parents sleep downstairs. Your DD should not share. And yes, keep going out for meals together. It's unfair, but you're allowed to have some nice times together as a three.

Your sister is right a teenage girl should have access to a lockable room, you have provided this for your daughter, the fact she hasn’t provided one for her daughter is her problem.

You have already done more than most people would.

You need to sit her and her husband down and lay the rules out, your house your rules. You will not be putting their daughters comfort above yours. You are putting a roof over their heads, they do not get to dictate how you and your family should live or act. You are already sacrificing your family tradition of takeaway night at home for them, so if you want to take your children out for a meal that’s your choice, not theirs. If they don’t like it they can leave.

If they stay I would also be putting down rules over Xmas. Your house your family traditions, you spend what you want on your children. Any whining or comments from them they leave.

i would be telling them they are turning your home environment toxic, your children have already lost their mother they don’t need shit like this in the place they are suppose to feel safe and comfortable.

@OverCCCs wow you’re massively reaching here. Calling OP’s dd a spoiled princess? Come off it.

@OverCCCs are you serious? Fgs , when my lovely mother gave me and my kids her spare room for two years I didn't act like a brat when she went out without us! I even looked after her dog for her when she did so. It didn't occur to me to object when she wanted to do her own thing , I was just (and still am) grateful for her kindness at a tough time in my life. These relatives should feel the same imo.