Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

OP you are amazing and going above and beyond.

Hold firm on your daughters room. It’s her safe space and as you rightly say, is very different to your neice.

Mans don’t put your kids life on hold because you have family staying.

As others have said, if this is too much for your other fam, and that’s seems incredulous to me, maybe they need to make alternative arrangements.

What a situation and how astonishingly kind of you to let them stay. But I agree with others, they are not currently homeless so are unlikely to get council accommodation.

i would not move on bedrooms.

on dinners and money, I’d be asking them to input to the home even if not financially. I’m assuming here that they are not working. They could cook dinner for you. Clean the house. Do garden work. Unless they are Ill, I’d want some sort of return for staying.

if they are working they should contribute financially, unless you don’t want them to as it gives them more say…

I agree about setting an end date. Ideally in writing, which would help them with the council.

Personally I’d hell your sister & her family on their way by agreeing to write them an eviction letter with a very solid date for them to leave by for them to take to the local authority to boost them up the housing list; make it friendly between you but sternly worded for them to be under no pretences that they will be out on their ear on that date then hopefully they will be given a property sooner a bit of tough love is needed to protect your children & your home

They should be grateful for any arrangement you allow considering they are living in your house while waiting for social housing.

i would make clear to your sister that no you will not stop taking your children for dinner because you feel it is important for them to have one meal per week just with you where they feel like they can have a bit of privacy and quality time with their mother uninterrupted to talk about anything they don’t want to discuss in a house full of people.

if they were only staying for one or two nights then it would be completely reasonable to have the two teenage girls share a room but if you don’t know how long it will be until they are housed then no it isn’t fair to force your teenager to share. It’s not your DD’s fault that they are not able to offer their DD a room for privacy.

Tell her to move out of she's not happy, the council will house her in a crappy hotel then she can ACTUALLY have something to moan about! What a CF!

You are doing them a massive favour but when you ask them to move on you will be fit to burn. I've had experience of this.

Just to add if my own children were unhappy, they’d have to go. You do not want wrangling about spaces creating issues with your daughter.

You sound like an absolute saint! You have already put yourself and your family out enormously, and are going above and beyond to ensure you adapt so you don’t upset them. Stick to your guns and perhaps remind your visitors that they are EXTREMELY fortunate and absolutely do not get to dictate to you how you run your home/ your family’s life ( including meals out). If they don’t like it and don’t back off/ show a bit more sensitivity and gratitude there is a VERY simple solution.,,,

This.

If sis wants her daughter to have privacy, let sis and husband sleep in the lounge. You've alloted them 1 bedroom plus a portion of your son's. That is plenty.

The takeaways -- can you really not afford to treat them? In that case I think I'd suspend the special food for a couple of weeks. That does seem mean.

Definitely sister and her husband in lounge and their DD in the bedroom they are using. It's either that or carry on with DD in lounge. You can't magic up an extra bedroom and I wouldn't want them too comfortable anyway. How are you going to get them to leave?

Someone may have suggested this already but why don’t you move your sister and husband downstairs and put the 14F up in the guest room.
Regarding going out once a week … bloody hell you’ve earned it! You could all do with a bit of family time.
I hope they get their new home soon. You deserve a medal.

Oops, just saw that this has been going on for four months with no end in sight. By all means take your kids out to their weekly dinner; you need time alone as a family. Forget my earlier comment on the matter.

@tamarvin, your post is the very definition of "no good deed goes unpunished"!
You need to lay down the law for your sister. You need to explain to her that while you love her and her family, your kids are STILL your priorities! Explain that your daughter will not be giving up her room. Period. Also explain that you will NOT be changing your weekly dinner with YOUR children because that is your bonding time and, unfortunately, this living change is not easy on them and they need to have the ability to decompress and connect with you as their father. Tell your sister if she does not like your house rules, she is free to leave and find other accommodations, but you will NOT be bullied, harassed or continue to have discussions about the decisions you make for YOUR children! I can see where her daughter gets her pushiness! Enough is enough! You need to grow a pair, toughen up and lay down the LAW! This is YOUR home and YOUR children and no one, especially not someone who is homeless and living off of your good graces, should be able to control what you do with your kids. You can't help that you're better off than your sister and your personal finances are not her concern! By the way, you're awesome for allowing her to stay with you! That's awesome!

Your sister should be grateful for you allowing her and her family to stay there. Quite frankly, this is a situation of beggars can't be choosers.

She and her husband are responsible for providing accommodation for their kids, not you.

Relying on the council is really not good, as there is a shortage of council housing.

You should not make your daughter share her room. She'll be resentful and end up let down by you.

That's her space and if your sister isn't happy with the arrangement, she's more than welcome to pack up her family and leave.

As far as the meals out are concerned, what an absolute cheek for her to comment on it. I don't know how she has the audacity tbh, but given some of the responses on here, I can see there are other entitled people like her.

She should be eternally grateful for your generosity.

You should definitely bring this arrangement to end sooner, rather than later. I think January, as you said is good. You've made adjustments and staying as they are is impacting on your family as it is.

She needs to know it's just not working.

Some people are never happy, are they?

Tell her there are always hostels available if the situation at yours is too difficult for her...

As several other people have already said, letting them stay with you will be reducing their eligibility for council housing. They need to be "at risk of homelessness" to get priority, whilst they are living with you, they won't get anything. Write to them telling them giving them 8 weeks notice to leave and get them to send this to the council. You don't have to actually kick them out, but this will be classed as at risk of homelessness.

And no, your daughter doesn't have to share with her cousin. It's your house, that's her space. However, the council will consider that you're not overcrowded, so won't prioritise your sisters housing need.

I think YANBU with regards to the two girls sharing the room. If your sister is that bothered about it, then she and she husband should sleep downstairs and your niece sleeps in the guest room. You have done enough by letting your nephew sleep with your son.

The other issue is complicated. Do they not want to do activities for themselves? I think you should be honest with your sister and say that it is a tradition you going with your husband and daughter. You could just say that it doesn't necessarily mean eating out, but any activity.

You have been generous enough having them over, and it sounds like it has been weeks.

Good luck OP

Your sister is lucky to have you put them up, your house, your rules, your decisions. If she doesn’t like it then they need to find somewhere else.

I did this for my sister and her 3 children. There was 5 of us already. She had lost her rented accommodation through no fault of her own and although was working rent was very high. Council treated it as a homeless at home arrangement and she was housed after 9 months.My two daughters shared a room (did previously have their own) & my other daughter shared with her cousin. We agreed this before they came. I always shared with a sister and cousin growing up and it hasn’t affected me at all.
We continued with our normal routine including eating out on Saturday evenings, my sister joined us sometimes or we just took the cousins as they had cheaper kids meals

I keep thinking this.whwre in any of ops posts has he even hinted at what poster are aiming at. Not even a whiff of them being bad people.
And I assume him helping and want o g to help shows they must be quite the opposite.
Especially comments about the poor niece.
Where do people get off with their judgements.

You need to kick them out and they can tell the council theyre homeless! Theyll be rehomed much quicker then. If theyre living with you then theyre not a priority

They are ungrateful

You have done a great thing op.
If you could have a talk,regig things perhaps it can work.
Just have an honest conversation of where things are for you all.
They are allowed to be really grateful and still at a loss at their situation too. It can't be easy to be a burden on your brother.id be so ashamed of myself.it wouldn't mean I'm ungrateful. Unhappy and tense perhaps.
Communication is key here.
It ISN'T that long until January.
I think judging how u clearly love them enough to begin this you could make this work.
If they and you feel there is a working together household.
I do feel for the two girls.that age as tough. That age without a mum is really tough.that age without a home or safety also tough. Your head is a whirlwind at that age.mostly you want to be safe and often anywhere but around others.and deff needing space,your controlled area.so I can see both girls struggle here.
Could they split the days mum and dad have the room.
Is the room big enough to partition.
Could the boys ever have the coach on weekends.like a sleepover and that way the neice gets a room.
Or could your dd share one or 2 nights a week.

Your sister is taking the piss. Tell her to jog on.

The OP is male and is widowed. For those who may not have copped that already.

I had my sister, husband and three kids for 4.5 months while their house was being fixed up. THEY asked ME what would work best, and they were so grateful. I'm not polishing my halo as it was hard on everyone, but we got through it with give and take. More give than take from sister and family I have to say. I was glad when they went home, and I bet they were too!

As others have said, the OP sounds very kind and caring. However I would not put my children out more than necessary and the idea of the parents taking the living area for sleeping is probably the best all round. Least disruption to all the kids, particularly those who have lost their mum. They do not need any further troubles.