Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

Your sister is VERY entitled. Letting her and her family stay for a year is extremely generous. She either stays on your terms, or she leaves. Is she even contributing towards your fuel bills? She should be. Especially as these will be even higher this winter with her there.

Another suggestion - how about your sister and hubbie sleep on the sofa, and the daughter has THEIR room?

Yes, but if the daughter finds her cousin loud, dominating and pushy, then I can see why she doesn't want to be kind to her. It's a pity they don't get on, but it's quite a tricky situation.

This thread is insane. WTF with all these posters criticising the OP when he is being beyond generous with this?
The sister/niece will have a lot more to complain about when/if they ever get temporarily housed by the council unlikely any time soon.

I despise, loathe and detest the word 'nice'.

I can now see exactly why my teachers told me never to use it.

Yes of course I am for real, I know plenty of people that have done this, helps out the family from being on the streets, stops arguments, the kids would think it’s an adventure for sure.

Families all in the same house never ends well, been there and done that… Obviously reading these posts the sister is the more dominant one, and plays on her brothers kindness. If the kids all start arguing about rooms, tent it is… will shut them up..
.

At least my suggestion of a caravan was a sensible one! It is October, nearly december, who in their right mind would want to be in a tent with their children in this weather?

*November

When push comes to shove, I feel you should be prioritising your own children's needs before nieces and nephews who each have two parents to advocate for them. You have been very generous sharing your house with your sister’s family. I am wondering why your BIL and DS are allowing this situation to continue for so long. Do you feel they are taking advantage at all ?
Please ensure your DD keeps her own room. And please continue to do lots of things together as a family …just your family. Listen to your own children's feelings very carefully on how they are coping. Make sure there are lots of opportunities for them to speak in confidence with you. And yes, have a break at Christmas time by visiting your own children’s grandparents.
YANBU.

This thread amazes me, not least from the perspective that the OP is somehow in the wrong and that, having made ample sacrifices, the onus is on him to keep on making more and more of him and to hell with the detrimental effect on the emotional health and wellbeing of his daughter. There seems to be an assumption here that if you do someone a (very generous) favour, the floodgates have then opened for you to keep giving and giving, until eventually you give out. If this is the thanks some people get in return for helping family, it's no wonder there are so many threads on this site professing a reluctance to do so.

I'm not averse to helping loved ones in need. I cared for my terminally ill mum who died when I was in my twenties, and when her death left my brother struggling with substance abuse I put him through rehab at the cost of a large hole to our family finances. But they were very different personalities from OP's sister and wouldn't have dreamt of taking liberties with our generosity.

I've always prided myself on my independence and have never been a 'taker', although it's easier to take when you've also been in a position to give (not just financially). But it's very easy to see who adopts the 'take, take, take' attitude on this thread. It's quite surprising the extent to which some people have absorbed the attitude that the rest of the world somehow owes you something.

The world is a harsh place. And it doesn't.

This thread really is a corker. Now we have people stating that the OP’s DD should be chucked outside and into a shed (it’s okay, just run electricity out to it), while the cousin has a nice indoor bedroom to themselves, and that OP gives up their room and sleeps on the lounge while the freeloaders all have nice beds. Flabbergasted.

I’m waiting for the ultimate wanker to come along and suggest OP just gives them the house (because that would be kind), and moves out with his kids to sleep on the streets (to teach them empathy). Because that’s how batshit this thread has become.

^^ This. You're doing the right thing making sure your family's needs aren't subsumed into those of your sister's. You've been very generous - does the husband have any family who could help out? A year is a long time, the next 8 months could be fraught. If both your sister and husband are working, surely they can squeeze a treat takeaway occasionally for their three children? No reason for you to give up your special family dinner, bonding is important as they've lost their mum, albeit six years ago - time is irrelevant in such a case.

Maybe your going away over Christmas will allow your sister and family to relax a bit by having your house to themselves while you're away.

But, be careful the niece isn't permanently ensconced in your DD's room when you return!

Gosh there are already so many comments I haven't read them and I'm sure I'm just repeating what others have said but she is extremely ungrateful sounding. You've already given up so much space to accommodate them to be dictated to where people should sleep and how often you eat out is a step too far. In my area its years before someone can get housing especially if they are residing somewhere I hope it's quicker in your area for your immediate families sake.

I think expecting a 14 year old to sleep in the living room for a year was always unrealistic. When you offered them a place to stay you should have made sure you had bedroom space for all the children. If you were not prepared to do that you should not have offered.
Her children matter too and she will advocate for the needs of her children.

What about ops child, who has lost her mother?
Op has provided a roof over their head, if the niece does not have a bed that is down to HER parents. Not op!

You have been more than generous.

your daughter shouldn’t have to share her room. It is her home and she needs her space. Suggest to your sister that she gives up the guest room for your niece and sleeps in the lounge as he only alternative.

posters suggesting tents are absolutely batshit!

@ZeroFuchsGiven I think children's needs matter. If OP can not provide the space to meet the children's needs or is unwilling to, she should not have offered to house them. A 14 year old sleeping in a living room that everyone uses in a very crowded house is not a realistic prospect. She can only go to bed when everyone else has gone to bed, has to get up early so the family can use the space, will have no space to call her own - not even a wall she can pin posters to above a bed. It is a shit situation for her and I am not surprised she is complaining.

And in the sisters case I would be getting my kids out of there before it does real damage to the 14 year old. Those pretending this situation does not matter have no real understanding of the impact of this set up on a teenager.

@antelopevalley You call it "advocating," I call it "biting the hand that feeds her."

If your sister thinks her child should have a room then she should be an adult and provide it. Same with the meals.

If your talking about my post I suggested the girls share a room to sleep in and dd had a den to retreat to in the garden for some alone time. Hardly chucking her out.

@BlueRidge But this is an untenable situation. It will have a major negative impact on the 14 year old. You think a loving parent should ignore that?
I would report this situation to SS if I knew about it as I think it is very detrimental to her.

I really feel for the teenage girl without a room, firstly it must be awful for her to have no privacy. Secondly she must feel shit to know that she's not well liked enough by your daughter.

I think your sister should be giving up her room to her own daughter rather than leaving her in the lounge. As for eating out, sorry, I wouldn't dream of leaving my sisters kids out. I love them like my own so if I could afford to take my kids out for a meal I could stretch to a takeaway for 2 extra kids.

I think you're doing a decent thing but it doesn't sound as though it's working out, your sister has a brass neck to be complaining but I think you're being mean on your niece and nephew with regards to the food.

Desperate times, desperate measures. A tent on a refugee site is better than a hole you dig in the ground with your bare hands. If nobody offered help because they couldn't offer a perfect solution, life would be virtually untenable in large swathes of the world.

Expectations. That's at the heart of it. The sister's family were in for a rough ride over the next few years regardless. She must surely be able to work out she gets far better treatment from her brother than the local council would provide. She hasn't got everything she wants, but it could be so, so much worse.

Solutions depend on whether OP is really prepared to house the family for years. Making the adults more uncomfortable would concentrate their minds on rehousing themselves to the agreed timescales. Otherwise, a wall bed downstairs for DSis and DH with foldable partition screens put up at night might be a way forward.

The op has provided a space, it is her own parents that are being selfish, they could take the sofa and give up their room for their daughter, they hae hosen not to. Wtf more can op give? Blood?

Is the two adults sleeping in the living room a possibility OP? Is the room big enough for that? I ask because there is not enough floor space in my living room for two adults without removing a sofa.