Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

Making a teenage child sleep in the lounge awful. I'd have the three boys share and girls share. With agreement that your daughter can use your bedroom any time she needs to get away. Set her up a tv etc in your room and make a space for her. Would there be an option of making an outdoor den for dd? Insulate a shed and send electric out to it so she has her own dedicated space.

You have already gone over and above for them. It is yours and your DCs home, you shouldn’t have to change anything for them.

as others have said, remind them you are doing them a favour and that you are not willing to budge on these, if they don’t like it then you are happy to officially evict them, which may help them get temporary accommodation or even be higher on the council list.

He actually sounds like a true Gentleman, who was willing to step in and help prevent his neice and nephews from becoming homeless / ending up in a dodgy B&B or Hostel.

Yes it's tough on him and family but I don't think he's the type who could sit back and watch that happen.

I think people are more aware of how grief affects children now than they were 50 years ago. When the attitude was don't talk about it, forget about it.

Op I do hope your children have had access to councilling too. I know kids and a widow who found it very helpful.

Actually tbh…I’d make my dd share.I think kindness and empathy are more important than protecting your space on a temporary basis.
I don’t think that children can always or should always be precious about their space, and sometimes they just have to share. It’s annoying for her, but temporary.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum
So you’d prefer you daughter to be miserable in her own home? Because that’s the likely outcome, daughter realising the error of her ways and basking in ‘being kind’.

All about kindness and empathy, but not extending it to OP’s daughter (or your own, apparently). The fact that they’re putting up with this at all is testament enough to their kindness.

No, the DD doesn’t ‘have’ to share. It may not be ideal for the niece, but given they don’t want to live in council-provided temporary accommodation, so she’s going to have to put it up with it. Or her parents could give her their room and have her share with her sibling.

Is there room to divide girls room with units?

If anything, the parents should give up the spare room for their daughter and buy an double air bed and sleep downstairs!

its not fair to invade OPs DDs space when she is not comfortable!

I'd also look at a pop up tent for the lounge to create a sense of privacy if your not going to have the girls share

Doesn’t matter if there is. It’s his DD’s room, she doesn’t want to share, and thankfully OP isn’t going to make her.

Yes, you are right- I did misread that bit.

I’m still curious as to whether sister’s family are paying rent?

Either way, it’s not ok to expect a 14 year old girl to sleep in an open plan living area for a year.

I think going out for a meal is fine, however. they can frame it as a family tradition and needing some time together.

Sorry no the Ops son is already sharing his space with one child, they are getting on OK.
Put a much younger child in there and you'll have a rammy on your hands, constant bickering over toys and stuff.

Not ideal but I think the other neice and 5 yo nephew are probably best to share, even if it means a curtain between them to give her a bit of privacy getting changed or change in the bathroom.

Sis & Bil on the couch.

This

you have given up your spare bedroom, your privacy, you and paying bills etc - they are needing to appreciate this is your house

This is a lot of people suddenly entering the house during a time of grief and change. Added to which the usual difficulties and uncertainty of entering teenage years which are hard for most. The younger children probably find it all quite fun as there are more people to interact with and play with. But for older children, particularly less outgoing ones, it could be quite hellish never to have any peace to just be alone or read or have some quiet time. I think it is quite different to expect a child to give up their room to share with a sibling to expecting them to share with a distant relative they don't get on with or know in the same way. It could also be important in terms of reading/schoolwork/concentration and good sleep.

I also think a year is a very long time but longer in the life of a child than in the life of an adult. So i think it should be one of the adult sets that compromise and sleep in the sitting room.

Therefore I'd suggest that either your sister and her husband or yourself give up a room and stay in the living room. That way the older children get a bit of peace and will feel less resentful of their cousins and also be able to do homework, or just get away from the chaos for a bit. it may lead to less resentment between them also. The idea of being forced to share your room will bring you closer is for the birds in my view.

I don't really see why you should give up your room as you have been kind to your sister's family, but I do think as it was your decision and there are too many people for the size of house that you should think about it. It's easier for a single adult who has control and made the decision to do this for a temporary length of time than it is for a child who has no control over what is going on or how long they are staying and no control over what time anyone goes to bed etc.

The only other solution I'd suggest is if you are thinking of making your daughter share her room, that maybe you could think of offering her a really nice reward for doing so, so that it feels worth her while in some way.

I think your sister is being unreasonable about the going out. Her focus seems only on her children and not on yours. Yours have had to give up a lot to have them there and are now expected to have a year of no outings as well? They will surely just associate their cousins with resentment if this is the way everything is handled? I'd suggest either changing up the treat or your sister doing another treat for her family whilst you are out such as a film night watching tv together or a bake night or games night or something not too expensive but still fun. You are still two families and I think I'd feel massively resentful as a child if I had to give up all time with my parents alone, because some people came to stay. Maybe it doesn't always have to be eating out if that is the real cause of strain. But i don't know why your sister can't come up with something nice for her family to do altogether at those times so it's less "going for a treat" and more "family time". She doesn't really have a right to dictate what you do. Perhaps you can sit down together and have a proper talk and try and find alternatives that feel fun and fair, rather than it just being about her making demands and you thinking that's the only alternative.

Best of luck, OP. Sounds a difficult situation. But I do think a year is less of a sacrifice for you than a young teen. It can seem like an eternity when you're young!

Sounds to me like your sister needs to reallocate the space she’s been given.

im betting however that in her world you'd just give up your room and sleep on the couch.

So, basically, you've given your homeless sister and her three children somewhere to live and she's moaning! It's not selfish to want some family time at the end of the week. Your sister should be saying "sure, you go out and enjoy yourself, we'll be fine here fending for ourselves."

@tamarvin

Let me put it this way.

After 4 months she is comfortable enough to start dictating what you should do in your own home.

Its time for her and her family to leave

The whole idea of inviting a family of four to live with you crammed on a sofa was a disaster from the start. Council house waiting lists are years long.

They can approach the council and be housed temporarily, yes it'll be a hotel, it'll suck but that's her situation. She can complain about the facilities there instead.

But the two girls aren't getting on. The idea that they're going to suddenly 'bond' if they move in together is highly unlikely - they've had four months to do this.

Another thought buy a insulated tent and camp in your garden, Family tents have separate rooms, so basically eat and shower etc in your home, then at night all sleep in the tent. That way, when the council ask where do you live, they can truly say in a tent. Day time fine in the house, this way at least will have the rooms separate.

i feel for your niece most in all this. she has no privacy and a year is a long time to spend on the sofa. if I was your sister i would give the kids the room she is in and her and your BIL sleep on the sofa. Adults are much better at dealing with that than a vunerable young girl.

It is your house. Do keep defending your daughter's right to her room and your collective right to your weekly family meal. Your sister does not seem to understand what a favour you are doing her. As nicely but as firmly as you can you need to take your sister to one side and say my house, my decisions, my rules and that that is non-negotiable if she wants to stay.

The girls should share.
You should eat out.

Some ideas on here are batshit.
We are coming into winter and someone who's probably never slept in a tent suggests housing a family in a tent.

I can't believe how entitled your sister is being. You dont get to ask someone to sacrifice their mental health.

I really think this needs reviewing because another 8 months will break someone and I don't want it to be your daughter.

I find it interesting that your sister expects your DD to give up her well needed private space for her DD but won't give up the spare room for her own kids. I mean this is just

Are You for real?