Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your sister, it’s not working for your family! I’d ask her to move out, give them a couple of months notice. And of course you can carry on taking your kids out, that’s up to you!

Why can’t they rent privately?

I couldn’t live like this.

In your own home you are outnumbered by other adults, your kids are outnumbered by other kids.

I think it is really good that you are protecting your DD’s bedroom, and yes, keep your meal out with your kids every week. It’s really important to have that family time just with them.

If your sister doesn’t like the sleeping arrangements she can move them somewhere far more suitable.

I voted YANBU, but in truth I truth I think you were stark raving out of your mind to have offered such a situation for more than a long weekend.

I don't think its reasonable for a married couple to have to sleep in a communal area for a year. That's a ridiculous suggestion.

But it's not reasonable to force a quiet 13 year old girl whose life has been turned upside down at least twice to share a room with a dominating 14 year old girl who she doesn't get on well with, either.

It's also not reasonable for a 14 year old girl whose life has been turned upside down to have to sleep in a communal area either.

It's not really reasonable for two families to have to share a house, but here we are, because of the hospitality of the OP.

It's never going to be ideal for everybody.

I think the parents who want their teenage daughter to have a bit of privacy should sleep in the lounge to give her that privacy. They are adults, they can understand everybody's needs and should be prioritising their children over themselves. It may or may not be their fault they are in this situation, but it isn't any of the kids' faults.

Both families should be grateful for some time as just their own family unit once a week while you take your kids out. I think your kids will need that more than ever at the moment.

Your sister will have to put up and shut up IMO.

But most of all I'm concerned that you really don't seem to understand your situation. The council isn't going to come up with a house for them within the next year, not even close. I will bet my bottom dollar that your sister and BIL aren't going to be looking seriously for their own accommodation in that time, or perhaps that they just won't be able to afford it. When the year is up and the time comes for them to move out, they won't shift, and they will play on your guilt terribly to try to stay "just a bit longer". Evict them? With what tenancy contract, with which bailiffs if they refuse?

To be really honest, the last thing you should be doing is making them more comfortable. Good firm solid boundaries will be your friend and they sure as shit will be your kids' lifeline, too.

McDonalds is cheap (especially with all the app offers). Tell your sister to take her kids out to McDonalds if they want to eat out.

Yes go out. Your children come first. They're taking over ! Of course you shouldn't force your daughter to share a room. I would have kicked them out by no, for being so entitled with my home and my money.

Unless you have major drip feed incoming then I think two full grown adults with secondary school children can stand on their own two feet, work and find a home for their family.

You are extremely kind OP and I certainly could never imagine allowing 4 relatives to squeeze into my home for a year.

Nope they are sofa surfing and should op just kick her sister and dc out onto the street literally?

Jeez some of these posters would like you to torch your family relationships. Cheeky bitch! Kick her out! Etc, etc. I'm assuming seeing as you said yes to housing the family in the first place, you do actually care about them!

Can you just calmly say no?

'Sis, I've given you one and half bedrooms and the lounge, how you split that up between you is up to you. I can't do more.'

'My kids love a night off a week just for the 3 of us to catch up. All of us under one roof is tough and I think it's good for all of us to get that bit of space.'

If she keeps pushing, then push back by all means, but you don't need to go nuclear straight away!

DFOD

I think both families should have their own time together and shouldn't have to do everything together - so even ignoring the cost the meals out seems fine. Your sister seems very entitled - it is up to her to explain to her children why this is reasonable- most kids understand things like this unless their parents are stirring!
I'm a bit on the fence about the room tbh- i understand not wanting your daughter to lose her private space but it is harsh on your niece-and also I don't understand how it works practically if this is your only living space- where does she study? can you either split your daughters bedroom or a more solid split in the living room- room divider/bookshelves etc?
I don't think it needs to be lockable just private
Like PPs I don't understand how its going to help get them a council house tbh- are they considering alternatives? trying to save for private rented?

I don't think its reasonable for a married couple to have to sleep in a communal area for a year. That's a ridiculous suggestion.

What a ridiculous statement.

Pretty sure in the eyes of the council you're sister and her family won't be classed as homeless while living with you.

You've been pretty good in offering them a home and I don't think I'd make my daughter feel she has to give up the only space where she can be alone.

If your sister feels the sleeping arrangements aren't to her daughters needs
surely as it's their daughter her and her husband should give up the room they're in and can shift to sleeping downstairs.

@tamarvin whether your wife passed away recently or not, your children are in or entering adolescence, a difficult time for anyone. They need to feel comfortable in their own home.
You have honestly done more than enough for your sister and her family and should seriously give them notice, a year is just too much. And I can't see them packing up promptly even after a year in any case.

Your sister is incredibly ungrateful for the massive favour you're doing but I think you've been extremely kind and way too accommodating( literally!)
You need to put you and your DC's needs above their cousins.
Continue to take your DC's for much needed time out They have been through enough and need to feel secure.
I don't think this is sustainable for more than a few weeks.
PP's are correct that they would be adequately housed whist they live with you( maybe they've intentionally misled you)
I think you need to write them an eviction letter to take to the council.. only then will they be considered homeless
Do either of them work?

His daughter is grieving for her mother

I understand your daughter not wanting to share her room, but I feel a bit bad for your niece who also

I haven't RTFT (only OP's comments). My personal opinion is that it would be unreasonable to expect a teenage girl to give up the privacy of her bedroom if she is uncomfortable with that. (Have you actually talked to your daughter, or are you just assuming she's not willing?) It is ALSO unreasonable to expect a teenage girl to sleep in the living room of an 8 person household for a whole year!! There needs to be a better solution.

Could your niece take the guest bedroom and her parents sleep in the living room? Do you have enough space to add a caravan/sleepout for the parents? Could you add a more solid divider (like a temporary wall) to create a private space out of part of the living room?

It's not an easy situation, and you are doing a great thing supporting your family, but I really feel empathy for the 14-year-old girl who is having a hard time through no fault of her own.

As for the takeaways, maybe you could be a bit more inclusive - maybe alternate one week out, the next week buying cheaper takeaways for everyone? It's good you put time aside just for your kids, as I'm sure they need that sometimes.

I think you’re very generous for allowing your sister and her family to stay with you. How cheeky of your sister to have a problem with your one family meal per week, this is precious time for you and your children, don’t take that away from them. As for the 14 yr old niece, it’s not ideal that she has her “bedroom” in the living area, however from what you say, the answer is probably not for her to share with your daughter if they are so different. If it’s such an issue can’t your sister and brother in law take the living area and your niece the guest room? It’s really not your or your daughter’s problem to solve, you’re already doing more than most would.

My Lord , how long could this drag on for? I think they should leave yours & go to the council as a homeless family or privately rent . Are either/ both of the adults working? Keep strong.

If they’re not paying any rent they should be able to afford a takeaway too. They’re not just sat on their butts without jobs too I hope.

Honey, it’s a very very bad idea having your sister and family to stay, been there done that, except it was another member of the family and kids..

If your sister had to leave where she was residing, the council would have put the family up in a Travelodge or sheltered housing…

your lovely help will mean your sister and family could be in your home indefinitely, and I dare say your sister will know that.

The first thing the council always ask have you any family to stay with until the council can sort a place… up popped you as the Good Samaritan.

This post isn’t really anything to do with sharing bedrooms as such, your extended family have now claimed their spot in the home.

It is already causing friction, and it will get a lot lot worse unfortunately, then arguments with your kids and husband..

Council housing all over the country are short, the family has to acquire points, and some of the points are “ have you got immediate family” to stay with…

From then the council staff will not put them as urgent as they are with you, sorry but I wish you had sought this information before inviting them in your home.. too late now, so the only choice you have is to get them out, and get your sister and husband to go to the council and ask for a grant to go into a hotel until a home becomes available.

Believe me you got to be cruel to be kind. Your kindness could cost you your family and your sanity.

I have been through what you are going through, and believe me, it is not worth it, family or not. Look after your own, good luck.

Yes - this is the solution. Their child, their sacrifice (your daughter needs her room to escape from this all)

It’s an unworkable situation. Did you ask your children how they felt about your sister and family prior to them moving in? Do not persuade/cajole/force your daughter to share the room. Suggest to your sister that her daughter takes over her room and your sister and her husband sleep in the living room.

What happens when you want to bring your kids to the cinema or weekend way -will your sister object to this too because her kids don’t have the same treats. Next your sister will complain that your birthday/Christmas gifts to your own kids are too generous, the clothes they wear are better than what hers wear and it’s not fair, etc, etc.

Maybe point out to your sister that your children could feel it unfair that their cousins have two parents alive when she complains about your having a meal out with your own children.

Your sister is attempting to take over your house and in the process will cause huge upset to your daughter. I hope you never leave your daughter alone in the house with your sister or cousin.

I’m blown over by some of these comments that parents would never, under any circumstances, make their child share their room if they didn’t want to. It’s a good thing that wasn’t the attitude of people in the countryside during the Blitz, huh?

Or, goodness, maybe there was room at the Inn for Joseph, Mary, and Jesus after all but the innkeeper didn’t want to inconvenience their child for the sake of a newborn for a few nights. 🙄

Where has everyone’s compassion gone?

And seriously, OP, it would have been really helpful if you had clarified you were a male and were widowed six years ago (and not recently) much earlier in the thread. I think we’re still waiting to hear why your sister and her family are forced to live with you….

Maybe the girl's parents should have considered the long term effect of moving in with someone who didn't have enough bedrooms for them.

OP had been exceptionally generous, to his cost and to that of his own children. And it seems that all he's getting back is entitlement and complaints.