Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

This thread is turning into farce. OP why do you think they’ll get council
housing? Why do THEY think that? It’s too long to share your house and not fair on the kids. Will they really leave when the time is up?

@pollyglot If you read the thread, OP is a man and his DW died 6 years ago.

We have a similar set up at the moment except that my parents own the house so my family don't have any more right to be there than my brother's, but it is our permanent home and they're only living here short term while they complete on the house they're buying. So I do understand the frustrations of sharing a living space with a whole other family (including, in our case, the inadequate ratio of bathrooms: people).

I wouldn't make dd share a room, but I would suggest to the family that they re-jig the room division for the space they've got, e.g. put the daughter in with her mum and the dad on the sofa. It's not nice for the niece, and not her fault that her parents haven't sorted proper accommodation for their kids, so I do feel sorry for her, but it's her parents' problem and they should be the ones to offer her a private space. In any case, the dad will probably go to bed later than the daughter, so it makes sense for him to be the one in the communal space (and having to wait for others to go to bed before he can). Depending on the size of dd's room, I might also ask her whether she would be willing to let her cousin store some of her things there. Is there a separate space where they can do homework? That's probably more necessary than a sleeping space.

Definitely don't stop going out for meals. You're already being very considerate by not rubbing their faces in it. Nothing to talk about here, your sister is being unreasonable.

OP I think you should tell them it's not working give them time maybe two months to sort something else.

YANBU regarding the weekly meal and Christmas.

How big is your daughters room? Could it be easily split in two with a curtain or some ikea bookshelves so it feels like 2 rooms rather than one? If so, I think it’s worth exploring. If it’s fairly small then I think saying no is fair enough.

I feel sorry for your niece and wonder whether or not something else could be done to help with her situation.

Nope nope. They need to look to private rent and get out.

They need to rent privately. Tell them it’s not working out and give them
Some notice.

Grieving your mum isn’t something you ever really get over though - every new life stage is a new reminder that she’s missing.

it’s more than 20 years since my mum died and I still miss her everyday (and am sometimes jealous of women my age who still have their mums/granny for their children). I’ve cried over a rash on my kid, wishing I could just call my long dead mum and ask her what sort of rash it is.

A motherless teenage girl forced to share a house with a girl her own age and the other girl’s mother has the potential to cause some serious long term headfuckery, even if at a surface level things seem OK.

Having to give up your little bit of private space and your weekly dinner with dad and little brother on top is way too much to expect of a 13 year old.

The reality is they will never be housed while living with you. They will constantly be deprioritised as they have a roof over their head, inconvenience to you means zero to council/housing authorities.

They can’t come and dictate. If they don’t like arrangements, they can leave.

Your DD needs her own space and room, maybe the compromise is that the teenage niece and 5yo can take the spare room and the parents can sleep in the lounge room, they would work.

Not up to you to finance weekly takeaway for all, but it’s important to keep this up with your kids as an immediate family so nothing wrong with eating out and your relatives just cook for themselves that night and accept this.

Tell her if she doesn't like it she can rent her own place or present to the council as homeless.

@Booklover3
If you had written about you wife in your OP then I don’t think ANYONE would be saying your DD should share her room. Im very sorry for your loss.

What?? Are you saying that if people had thought OPs DD had a mother, they would feel differently about whether or not she should share her room? How or why would that make any difference? What a strange comment.

For the record, I don't necessarily think the DD should be forced to share her room, and I understand its a difficult situation. I just think there should be more empathy for the niece and things should be moved round to make sure she has a private space. I still think it makes more sense for the boys to sleep downstairs with a sheet across the room, as they're younger and also boys aren't as bothered as teenage girls about privacy.

I don't think its reasonable for a married couple to have to sleep in a communal area for a year. That's a ridiculous suggestion.

I feel that the majority of posters are seeing OPs sister and her family in a negative light because they are 'obviously' irresponsible to have got themselves into this situation...that may be true, but that doesn't mean they should be treated like second class citizens. As I said, if OP saw them in this way he shouldn't have opened up his home. You don't invite someone into your home to then treat them like shit. That's like agreeing to help someone move house but being so resentful about having to do it that the whole time you're there, you grumble about it and slam boxes down and throw things carelessly into the van...either help someone properly and graciously or don't help!

@Cailin66 your answer is appalling. If youve actually read all the op’s replies, which I doubt, you should be ashamed of yourself for that response. The level of selfishness needed to call a teenage girl whose mother has died mean for not sharing her bedroom is unreal. Or calling op selfish for sharing his home with his ungrateful sister for 12 months. Honestly, give your head a wobble. You're being ridiculous.

Give them two months notice, and also them to find themselves rented accommodation.

*ask

This op.

why do they think the council will house them?

I'd be telling them that you're doing them a favour and if they don't like the current arrangements, bedroom and takeaway related included, they are welcome to leave and find alternative accommodation

So does the 14 year old have to wait until everyone else has. Gone to bed before she can get changed or go to sleep herself? She has nowhere to go and read/do homework etc?

did you not consider the long term effects of having people live in the only room downstairs??

I think if the timeline is a year, then something better than a curtain in a living room needs to be sought. That might well be that the parents share a sofa bed and the teenage daughter shares the bedroom with a sibling.

i think I’d consider curbing the dinners/takeaways to once a fortnight, but I’d definitely be saying that if her family wasn’t there you’d be spending time doing stuff at home with your kids and you’re only going out because you don’t want to upset them. It might be hard for her, but you can’t be doing all the compromising - it’s your home!

I don't think people have no sympathy for the niece, but the way OP describes her personality, it sounds like she may be a lot like her mother, the infamous DSis who is so unreasonable to be demanding to have everything her own way. It's not OP's daughter's fault that her aunt and uncle are feckless. She's already sharing every other aspect of her home life. That's enough!

Instead of OP's sister looking for a solution that doesn't put out OP's daughter, she's making more demands. Is sleeping behind a curtain ideal? No, but the niece is acting as though it's a worthless suggestion. It's not, assuming the parents enforce rules about respecting the curtained area as the niece's private space.

Many of us went through puberty without the benefit of a private room. We survived.

Why don't you read the thread?

You don't invite someone into your home to then treat them like shit. That's like agreeing to help someone move house but being so resentful about having to do it that the whole time you're there, you grumble about it and slam boxes down and throw things carelessly into the van...either help someone properly and graciously or don't help!

The OP has treated nobody like shit. He has opened up his home and accommodated his sister's family whilst looking out for his own children and making sure their lives are not disrupted any more than is necessary. You are making up a scenario in your head of the OP being demonstrably resentful and making the sister's family uncomfortable; when it is quite evident that the reality is quite the opposite - with the resentment coming from the sister trying to force changes on her brother and his children in their own home, so that her own children don't feel a jealousy that is borne out of their own parent's failures to provide for them.

Your sister has a lot of opinions for a house guest and needs to pipedown! Do not make your dd miserable by having her sacrifice her special place and have to share it with your niece. By the sounds of it she will take over her room, leaving nowhere in your home for your dd ro call her own. That is not OK, do not do it. As for going out for meals that's a bit more complicated but I would really have gone over house rules before your sister's family moved in. They shouldn't inconvenience you by being there. They should have their own plans, do not apologise for taking your own kids for meals. On occasion you could take your niece or nehew along if you are able to financially. I get the feeling it's going to be a long 8 months for you!

Op im furious on your behalf.
So your sister wants you to stop taking your children out as she can't afford to do the same!!?? Well tell her to stop being a mother to her children as yours can't be treated the same......
It's not about you bending over backwards it's about her having to fit into your life, she can't expect you to change your life to fit around her.
It's up to her to do her best for her children with what she has got, the bedroom situation could be solved as others have suggested in her and her DH sleeping in the lounge or even just her husband am need she could share with her daughter.
You have to make it clear to her everyone she wants change is that it's only temporary and that she has to fit in around you.

Tell your sister when she has her house ( as she should for her children as it’s her responsibility as a parent ) she can opinionated on who gets bedrooms . Until then you decide who gets what in your home

Perhaps you though you were doing the right thing but if you had all sat and talked about it and agreed on how it would work in practice you probably would have realised you had different expectations and it wasn’t going to work. I think your first priority is to your children and it’s nonsense to try and prioritise your niece and nephews “equally” when they have their own parents. I don’t think they should have to make any more adjustments considering you have dumped this on.

I’ve read all the OP responses I think and skim RTFT but I can’t seem to see clarification as to the following :

what leads them to believe they will get council housing after one year ?

if they don’t get said council housing within that year , will they move into private rent immediately?

Are they making financial contributions towards the house ie. rent and finally…what are they doing with the money they presumably saved so they can’t afford to do their own weekly treat with the kids?!