Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

You are going above and beyond for your sister and her family. The extra mile and then some more. Your sister needs to thank her lucky stars that you have offered them safe haven like this and not try and dictate rules to you in your own home.
I am in the ‘do not expect your DD to share her room’ camp, it sounds like she will be bossed about in her own safe space. Also, I think that your family meal out with your DC, every week sounds a winner. You are already putting a roof over the head of 5 people, you should absolutely have your personal family time too.
Maybe your sis and BIL can sleep in the living room and let the teen girl have the guest room.

You are an absolute saint to help out your sister and her family like this. Do not allow them to punish you for your amazing generosity. They are abusing your hospitality with their dictates.

This is madness and your sister is acting as if she has an equally say in your house and family life; she doesn’t. She’s a guest.

I’d say, “I have given you two and a half rooms (one shared with your son) for your family plus the sitting room-it is up to you how you choose to use them, but myself and my DD will be staying as we are. If you think your DD needs her own room then you will have to swap with her if you rate it that highly, but it is your decision. DSis; you forget that my children and I have been through a traumatic time with my wife, their mother dying. It is important for us to bond and have time as a family of three and we will continue with that. I don’t appreciate the constant griping when I am providing a roof over your head. If you don’t like these arrangements then you are free to leave but otherwise you need to live harmoniously and stop the bickering and moaning about our home and how we choose to live it-that is our right and not really any of your business.. Now, how are things going with the council or are you looking for private rental; can I help with that?”

How long is their wait for council housing likely to be? It sounds a horrendous situation. Don't insist your daughter shares her room with her cousin.

Unfortunately you need to ask them to leave. In the meantime, the parents need to sleep in the sitting room / downstairs and give the bedroom to their daughter. They made this mess after all, I'm assuming because they have been financially incompetent and / or made a series of bad decisions to land themselves in this situation. (Although you haven't said so it could just be "bad luck", but I doubt it). You have been very kind but you should not allow your sister to dictate whether you take your kids out for a treat or not. The inequality between your two households is fairly plain for their children to see, even if you weren't housing them. This is down to them.

And as to being made the black sheep of the family if you chuck them out as a PP suggested, where the heck are this family? Where are BILs family? Why has this all fallen on you? Grossly unfair. The longer they stay, the more the resentments will build on all sides. They don't sound at all grateful to be honest. I'm sure you haven't done this for their gratitude, but you shouldn't be being dictated to when you are doing someone an absolutely massive favour. Your DC shouldn't have to suffer because you are in the unfortunate position of having these people in your family.

People saying that you should sleep downstairs / not go out because you agreed to all this - no words & I don't believe they would be such martyrs for a hot second. They will suggest you build a wall downstairs and you sleep in a little cubby hole with your kids so the sister and family can have all the bedrooms and living space because their need is greater next. You should probably also pay for them to have a few nights out as they are having such a hard time too.

Great response!

If they are worried about lack of privacy for their daughter, they can give her their room and they can sleep in the living room.

Do the parents both work?

are they able to save for their own home with a year living with you? If not, what will happen in a year that is different to now?

I agree with the posters who suggest that your sister and partner sleep on the sofa. All of the kids in this situation need stability, consistency and emotional safety. All adults need to prioritise the kids emotional wellbeing.

Could you redefine your meal out as “family time” and both families have special family time once a week? Doesn’t have to be eating out, could be anything. It would mean you don’t have to live in each other’s pockets.

They are being ridiculous.

DH and I currently sleep on a sofa bed in the living room. Our three DC have the two bedrooms (DS in the smaller one and the two girls in the bigger one).

Your sister and BIL should take the living room.

Your sister is a total piss taker. She seems to have forgotten that you are doing them an enormous favour by housing 5 extra people!! I hope they get out from under your feet soon.

Having 3 children feels like a luxury. If she’d stuck to 2 presumably she could have afforded more treats for herself and the older kids.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers. You need to get them out of your home. The council will not house them whilst they are under your roof.
Why can't your sister and her husband go into private rental? Are they both working and saving as much as they can?
Your priority is your children. Its up to your sister and her husband to sort their own housing out

We don’t know anything other than his wife has passed.
Let’s not start swooning over the OP hey?

It’s not really on for a 14 yr old girl to be camped out in in the living room for a year while everyone else has a bed, a place to get changed, a place to cry, a place to hide. Even if they have to share that space, it’s not in a communal bloody area. No one can live like that for long.

Come on OP, they have to find a place of their own. A year? What were they thinking? Counting on council property becoming available sometime in the future is naive at very best.
Call a meeting. Figure it out.

They won't get a council house while you are housing them so this whole thing is a waste of time.

Is there an actual reason that stops them renting privately rather than they would just prefer a council house? Because I think you need to prioritise your children and give your sister notice. This is a nightmare situation and your sister doesn't even appreciate the sacrifices your family are making.

This.

They are now classed as adequately housed with you.

Kick them out. This isn't working. They are so entitled, it's astonishing to read.

A year???

Well you've made your bed...

You'll just all have to cope as best you can.

You can live without weekly takeaways.

But your relatives will have to cope with your rules. Do not be dictated to.
Your house, your rules.

If they don't like it then they can become homeless and get whatever property is offered to them.

Why are they with you for a year? Surely they'd accept any property that comes their way?

You think it's mean for a bereaved father to take his children, who have lost their mother, out for some special time together? You think that widowed father should have to make his bereaved daughter share his bedroom so that DN can have a room when her own parents can't/won't provide that for her? Seriously?

Equally astonishing to read are posts from those who think the OP is being in any way unreasonable 😳

I would have done exactly what you have done with taking the children out for dinner. Your home your routine. You don’t need to do the same as them. I would send the adults downstairs to sleep. I know adults in a 2 bed that let their children have the bedrooms and do this every night. It works for then. Yes she probably does need space and more sleep than the adults. Maybe the 5 year old can share with her or would he fit in the boys room? Awaiting council housing could take a really long time. Could they privately rent somewhere?

If she's so concerned about her daughters sleeping arrangements then she needs to do something about it.
It's not yours or your daughters responsibility to sort out their living arrangements.
She's a guest and she needs to remember that.
I think you need to have a word after Xmas and say they need to go asap.

A YEAR? Are you nuts? They could save up and get a fucking deposit together instead of waiting for someone else to bail them out.

He needs to do something before Christmas.
@tamarvin you're a saint for helping your sister and her family but it's having an awful impact on your kids.

While they are staying with you, your sister and her family will not be a priority for council housing. They're considered to be adequately housed if they're staying with family. It doesnt sound like they are significantly overcrowded (perhaps a little) but they certainly won't be a priority in terms of the band they are in.

You need to tell them to go to the council and say you are asking them to leave. You need to have a conversation about them leaving, set a date and mean it.

Out of interest, why are they with you, what was their previous living situation and what band are they on the waiting list? Apologies if you've addressed these questions and I've missed it.

I'm majorly confused as to why two adults would need or think they'd get housing from the council or would need to move into another adults home. I feel you would have mentioned it if they were both significantly disabled or something so what gives?

Their children are old enough for them to both work full time and be able to rent. It makes no sense to put yourself and your children through this when there is literally no need. They are making a choice not to house themselves and their own children and there is no way they are any kind of priority for housing and I doubt it will ever materialise.

Also as others have said why can't two adults capable of working full time afford to buy their own kids a takeaway?

Maybe you should suggest your sister looks up the word 'favour'!

This ^

I lost my mum in my 20s and that was bad enough.

Can’t imagine how hard it is for OPs DD, losing her mam at such a profoundly difficult age and then your auntie & uncle move in with their 3 kids and auntie tries to pressure your dad into making you share your bedroom with a cousin you barely know for a whole bloody year (!) AND Auntie wants to put a stop to the only bit of quality alone time you have with your dad and your little brother (who are also grieving your late mum).

Thank fuck OP isn’t willing to completely martyr his DD’s mental health for his CF sister.

I agree that it would be best if a teenaged girl didn’t have to sleep in the communal living space but her mum and dad need to reorganise themselves, not impose on OP’s DD.

If sister can’t accept OP’s terms (that are intended for his own childrens’ well-being) it’s up to her to go elsewhere. As it’s unlikely that anyone else will be so generous as to accommodate a family of 5 for a year, perhaps the brother in law could stay with his family/friends for at least some of the week and then daughter could share with mum and little brother (or little brother could share with the older boys and mum and daughter share the spare room, or mum & dad on sofa)?

There are various options that don’t involve OP making any further compromises, which for the sake of his children, he really shouldn’t. Poor kids have already lost their mum and now they are living in crowded accommodation with a cheeky fuck auntie who begrudges them a weekly dinner alone with their dad.