Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

Also it’s not a bad life lesson for your kids to have to share or make some temporary sacrifices to help family out!

Absolutely. These people are crazy suggesting the poster is unreasonable. He’s hugely putting himself out for his sister and family and is being accused of being selfish

No good deed goes unpunished OP. When someone comes to stay for such a long time I think it would be unhealthy NOT to have some time alone as a family, be that eating out or a trip. I also agree that your kids shouldn't be pushed out when you are doing your sister a favor.

I think if you are going to last another 8 months you will have to sit her down and tell her how its going to be, if it doesn't work for her she can make other arrangements.

As a teen girl would you want to share a room with your dad?

You absolutely should not give up the meal out. It's not just about the food, it's really important for you to check in regularly with your kids and spend time together as a family. You all will have gone through a lot with losing your wife and their mum, that time together is important.

Agree that living room isn't fair on a teenager though. I think your sister and BIL should sleep in living room, and niece in spare room. Or perhaps your BIL in living room, and your sister and niece in spare room, with nephew wherever he wants to go.

Such martyrdom. It's nice to care about everybody but in doing so, OP will be prioritising the nieces and nephews over their own kids. OP's own kids have lost their mother and amid all the chaos they now have to share a house with FIVE other people. To take away something they look forward to (takeouts and eating out) just because of the guests is cruel. And no, it's not the same as having to stop those activities because you cannot afford it.

It depends very much on what your definition of temporary is.

Bunking up together for a few nights or weeks - fine - doing it permanently- and make no mistake once Dneice is happy with her sleeping arrangements, this family is never leaving- not so fine.

I think this is an absurd take on the situation. He's provided a home to a family of five, nearly double the size of his own family. The house is bursting at the seams with people. It must feel so cramped and chaotic. We're all feeling the pinch and he's providing for two whole families by himself. His children have lost their mother and he needs to prioritise their mental health. He's done enough, his kids have sacrificed enough. Few people would be able and willing to do that. You don't bite the hand that feeds you.

You can't be serious.

Did you miss the bit about their whole world being turned upside down because their mother died?

They are going through enough with the added extra people in their home, having to witness their aunt be a mother to their cousins and giving up private time and space without having to sacrifice more.

And like fuck should op also give up his room and sleep in the front room as someone suggested. His sisters family will be taking home his and his dc’s home by stealth.

Although suprised no one has suggested this beauty yet - take his dc’s to live elsewhere for the next 8 months. Afterall the 3 of them really don’t need a 4 bed unlike his sister 😂

You don’t need to do anything more and your daughter definitely shouldn’t give up her much needed privacy. Carry on doing the weekly meals and tell your sister if they don’t like the arrangements they can shove off. Unfortunately some people think the world revolves around them as demonstrated on this thread, nothing is ever enough.

Gosh read the update- you are a grieving family

please ignore the nonsense martyrs saying that you agreed to accommodate them so now you must sacrifice everything for them, don’t dare have a meal out ! What rubbish!

I think now, given the duration of their planned stay, you must consider the impact this choice can have on your children. They are already grieving, and this situation ( if it went on for a year) could spell the ruination of home / family life, particularly for your teenage daughter

I’d give them a few weeks but they should be gone before December

Oh hadn’t realised some of the back story. Yeah if meal out is for alone time fine but originally it read that you just didn’t want to buy them takeaway or couldn’t afford it every week.

I still think you can’t have the teenage girl sleeping in the living room for so long. You don’t want to disrupt your children but you have by agreeing to this crazy situation! Time to give them notice I’d say. It will never work.

It's not a bad life lesson for the Mum and Dad to make sacrifices for their own children and sleep downstairs.

PinkStarAtNight, do you actually realise OP's daughter has lost her mother? She's 13, her body is changing, she wants privacy, she is in a far different situation to her cousin who has both parents. Losing a mother has a profound effect on a young girl.
Sister and family need to be asked to leave.

The absolute entitlement of your sister is astonishing.

You are putting your own children first and that’s as it should be. Your sister needs to put her children first and let her daughter have the spare room. They are adults and will be up later and should sleep in the living room. God luck

Honestly some PP reminds me of those parents who are so obsessed with being accommodating and welcoming to everyone they end up prioritising everyone over their own children.

Ps I think the Christmas idea is lovely.

@tamarvin how did they end up in this situation and what were their sleeping arrangements in their old home? Why can't they afford to chip in for take away (even just for their three kids) if they have no major outgoings? Aren't they both working? What do they do as a family over the weekends and school holidays?

I must say, with the death of their mother and relatives moving in , I don't think anyone can say 'it is not a bad life lesson for OP's kids to learn to share etc'.
I think they have had more than enough bloody life lessons.

You need time to be your own wee unit, so I think the going out should continue. I also think your daughter owns that space and is already giving up enough in having to deal with 5 people in her home. I would say that her room is not up for negotiation.

You are doing quite enough in housing them, if they do not like it they can house their family themselves.

How long is this going to last? I don't think it is a plan that can have any longevity and agree that it may be in their best interests to go into temporary accomodation.

You're doing your sister a favour. She should be gracious and not making any further demands. If she isn't happy with the arrangement and the way you choose to do things, then her and her husband should move out and rent privately.

You and your children are entitled to continue your lives that did not include your Sister and her family prior to them moving in.

You have done the right thing for the right reasons in taking the kids out for dinner for your treat time instead of having take aways at home, being mindful of your sister. Equally she could also take her family out for picnics or such like to give you some space in your own home that doesn't cost her the earth if she prepared a picnic bag before leaving home.

Def. no to your daughter being forced to share with her cousin. My DD wouldn't have coped with hers being in the same room for any length of time.

Do not add locks to your doors if you do not have them already. Your sister can make up, or buy, door handle notices like the ones motels have, when you don't want to be disturbed and you hang on the handle.

This would be good for the bathroom and toilets, and the DS's will have to be taught to stop to read the handle notice or just knock on the door before opening it anyhow...

At the end of the day, if you sister is unhappy with the accommodation set up, which she must have known about before agreeing to move in, then she and her DH can look for a private rental. Is there any reason why they aren't anyhow?