Not forcing my daughter to share her bedroom or stop going out to eat?

[tamarvin]

Right now my sister, her husband, and their three kids (14f, 10m, 5m) are staying with me and my family temporarily while they are waiting on council housing. I have two kids (13f and 11m).

So I have four bedrooms in my house. The first is my own. The second one is my daughters bedroom. The third is my son's bedroom. The last bedroom is the guest room where my sister and her husband are sleeping.

From the first night they were here my son has wanted his 10 year old cousin to sleep in his room. Those two get along very well and enjoy each others company. So we set up my 14 year old niece and my 5 year old nephew in the lounge downstairs. My 5 year old nephew is apparently having a lot of anxiety problem so most of the time he sleeps in the guestroom with his parents.

My niece is unhappy with this arrangement because she feel likes she gets no privacy (downstairs is open plan). To solve this my sister wants me to force my daughter to share her bedroom with my niece. My daughter however is not as close with my niece as the boys are with each other. My daughter and niece have very different personalities. My niece can be loud and intimidating and my daughter on the other hand is very soft spoken. Having so many other people in the house has already been making her feel stressed and overwhelmed. All three boys being younger and energetic can make things feel chaotic. I don't want to force her to give up her only private area to retreat to for peace and quiet.

I told my sister that we can try to add a privacy curtain to a corner of the lounge for her daughter. My sister said that wouldn't help at all because anyone could just barge in. She says that a teenage girl should be able to have access to a lockable room especially in a house full of mostly boys. She doesn't see any issue with the girls sharing even though I told her my concerns. She thinks it would be a good opportunity for them to bond.

Another issue we've run into involved a weekly dinner I do with my kids. So far we've had no issues with regular dinner as we all contribute to the groceries and all the adults take turn cooking. I however would get my takeaway for my kids once a week. I let my them take turns each week to choose what they want. It's a treat at the end of the week that they both look forward too. My sister and her husband have a tight budget so they cannot afford to buy takeaway regularly. While I am a better off financially paying for everyone every week is not feasible as it is already expensive and it would cost double.

I thought that eating takeaway in front of them at home would be cruel though. I've had a little discussion about it with my kids and told them that while my sister and her family are staying with us we would be having our weekly dinner out instead of doing takeaway and eating at home. I thought this was a fair compromise.

My sister did not agree. She says it's obvious that we are going out to eat good food since we leave before dinner and when we come back home we don't eat anything. While my kids won't brag about going out to eat they will answer honestly when my niece or nephews ask where we went. They then end up feeling bad and my sister says they wouldn't feel bad if I just said no to my kids and that it wouldn't hurt my kids to not go out as often. I will also add that on a selfish note I don't want to stop taking them out to eat because its the only time I get to have with just the three of us alone now.

This is a good idea but I would lock the bedroom doors as you don't want to come back to niece in daughter's room.

Lol, because that’s likely to be the outcome.

Sure, take away the private space of an introverted teen that’s grieving her mother. That definitely won’t make her feel uncomfortable, resentful and miserable in her own home.

They're guests in your house, they don't get to make the rules, I'd be telling them to leave.

I don't think YABU about the room. I was forced into something similar and my relationship with my cousin never recovered, I don't have much to do with my parents either. It was awful and she was a loudmouth bully.

I agree with those who have said her parents should sleep downstairs with your nephew and give their daughter some privacy.

Madness. You’ve done plenty. Your kids have been through enough.

Absolutely this. This is your house, not hers, and you are doing her a flippin massive favour (I doubt I could be so generous of spirit tbh) - she’s over stepping

Did I miss the op saying they were a man?

I hate to say this, but I agree with lobster. If they aren't housed within your timeframe you will have a hell of a job getting them out - and you will be the evil one of the family forever - throwing your own sister and her three children onto the street.

It's not up to me, obviously, but as a dispassionate observer I think it would be better to suggest that they looked to find somewhere else sooner rather than later, as it just isn't working as you'd expected.

The longer they are there, the harder it ill be to persuade them to go.

OP you are being very reasonable. You and your kids need time alone and so definitely should continue to enjoy meals out.
A year is a very long time to be changing your lives to accommodate another family.
It doesn’t sound like a good match to throw two teens who are very different into one space.
I would be inclined to keep things as they are. At the end of day it’s not your responsibility to house your sister and her family. They are guests in your home and it’s best they realise they are guests so they don’t get any ideas about trying to stay any longer then the agreed year.

Your sister is a guest in your house. She should not be calling the shots. You are being very generous by allowing her and her family to stay. I would carry on going out for your takeaways, it's your families bonding time away from your sister and her family. Your daughter needs her own space. Your neice can share with her parents. Or her parents can give up their room for her.
Is your sister older than you?

I've just read that the OP could possibly be a man (and it was obvious I hadn't read that part). In that case, if the sister and her hubby won't give up their room, I would maybe do a rotation with the niece and tell her he could sleep in the living room in rotation with her, each night, they could take it in turns. It might help them bond and her to feel like she has an ally and the living room part won't feel so bad. The sister is the selfish one though, it's much easier for a parent to sleep on a sofa bed than a teenage girl. Or for sister and niece to share a room whilst the dad and five year old have the living room. But you can't force people to not be selfish and sometimes you just have to be kind at your own expense when it comes to children. Out of all the people in the house though, I don't think the fourteen year old semi homeless, uprooted girl, in between homes with no idea of her future, whilst going through puberty and GCSEs, who doesn't even have an ally in her cousin, should be the one in the living room.

If they were staying a few weeks, I would say the lounge is fine. But a whole year in the lounge is a little unfair I think. I would either find a way for the girls to share. Or the parents take the lounge and let her have the bedroom.

A YEAR!!??? I'm sorry to break it to you OP but the council will not see them as homeless if they are staying with you. Overcrowded, yes, but not homeless, so they won't be top priority. People wait years in crowded conditions to get a council house. They are gonna be with you for a long time unless/until you put them out.

This is not a situation which I would have agreed to for more than 3 months. Bound to be difficulties. You are being very generous and your sister is in no position to make demands: she should be extremely grateful and doing everything she can to minimise disruption to you and your children - not adding to the difficulties even more than is necessary.

Your SISTER and her husband should be sleeping in the Lounge - and not the kids for starters. Adults bedtimes will be later for adults than the kids.

I would a) keep taking the kids out to give the 3 of you your private time together and b) I would tell your sister that it isn't working and that they need to leave (give them say another 3 months to find somewhere else to live) and STICK to it. Sure, they won't be happy, but another 8 months of this, your relationship with your sister will be trashed anyway, so putting it off isn't going to make a whit of difference to the eventual outcome

Finally, if you can afford it, I would give them the deposit for a private rent and let them get on with it. No other help. You aren't doing them any favours actually, agreeing that they can stay with you for a year and nothing is going to change in that year while they are staying with you

I also would go to your in-laws for Christmas as you suggest

Parents go in lounge and their daughter had their room?

Wow, bit of a shocker the people posting that your favour just isn't enough. You've given them a place to stay but nope not enough. You must now give up your childrens' spaces, and you must include them in your family treats or not have any yourselves. With people like that it would never be enough, they do not have any idea how to be grateful for what they have been given.

Ignore them OP, you have done a wonderful favour, but unfortunately your sister is one of those people who want everything from you so the whining will not stop until they are out of your house.

And as for the posters having a go at you and telling you that you should 'humble' your children and make them give up their special things. These are never the people that would be the givers in this situation, they are always the takers.

You’ve done something lovely for your sister and her family and she’s being appallingly ungrateful BUT can you separate that from your niece and nephew?

it’s not your nieces fault that she’s in this position and sleeping in an open plan area is awful, she has no privacy or space to escape to and that’s incredibly stressful to have such an insecure living environment.

even more awful is the meal situation. I’m really struggling to see how you could begrudge your niece and nephew pizza. you’ve got a 15 yr old sleeping on a temp bed in an open plan and once a week you go out for dinner leaving here behind.

and yes this is driven by her parents, they are responsible. But in those circumstances I’d do everything I could to try and make my niece’s life a bit better.

My phone is really bad. I meant to write that uncle and niece could take it in turns to sleep in the living room if sis won't give up her space. Uncle sleeps in living room one night, whilst niece has his room and then swap. Or if it's too impractical, give her the privacy of your room at the weekends. Just a suggestion, before anyone jumps down my throat.

You are letting them stay for a year?? OMG, no! No way is this going to work for a year. Your sister is already behaving like a total CF and it’s only been a few months. You are being very generous putting the family up, but for your kids sake, I would serious reconsider this arrangement going on much longer.

@KitchiHuritAngeni I don't think it was clear in any of my previous posts, but I am a man.

Niece should sleep in same room as her Mum, with her Dad in living room.
You should continue to have family time in whatever way you choose.

So the person who owns the home has to seep in the lounge and accept that his sister/niece's mother is too selfish to give up her room for her child.

Her parents put her in this position, not her uncle. They should compromise for their daughter.

Great post.

Or the sister could realise her family’s housing is dependent on someone else’s charity, start being grateful for what is being done for them, get the fuck over herself, and stop demanding even more from OP.

This. Tell them to give up the bedroom to their daughter.

My point is that she doesn't sound like she has the capacity to do so and it's not an ideal situation.