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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

These texts show he's cheating on me. Don't they?

229 replies

Prora · 25/10/2022 15:36

I was on mine and my boyfriends iPad closing down some apps, in the process I've come across some texts between my boyfriend of 18 months and a woman dated last week. It appears he gave his number to this woman on a night out. It was a night where he was meant to come home, but he told me that he got drunk with some friends and didn't make the train.

In the text messages (at 11.30 at night) he asks where she is and she tells him she's in a bar. He tells her he doesn't believe she's in a bar and she texts him saying, 'I am. Not sleeping with you or letting you spend the night.' He then responds, 'You're a saint.'
They then exchange several messages where he is trying to find the bar she is in. He can't find her so eventually gets a taxi to his friends house. She then texts him in the morning saying 'You wanted to stay out ;)' and he responds that 'I know I did! You were hiding from me telling me the wrong bar.'
Then the following day he text her asking how she is, and she replies she has covid, and he takes a test and tells her he is negative. Then the last text he says, 'Let me know when you are back in (our home town) and want to get covid, I'll take you out.' with a kissing face emoji on the end.

Typing all this out. Fuck. I don't know what to do. There isn't an innocent explanation is there. Do I confront him when he is home later? I want to call the woman and find out what actually happened.

OP posts:
Jellybean23 · 25/10/2022 19:14

How many other women has he chased that you don't know about? It's unlikely you stumbled across the first one. So sorry this has happened to you, you deserve so much better.

Vikinga · 25/10/2022 19:19

And he can't even blame it on being drunk as when he was sober he texted her about her contacting him the next time she's in town. Slimy cheating bastard. Why have a gf if you want to fuck around???

cherish123 · 25/10/2022 19:21

Dump him and move on.

Gemmanorthdevon · 25/10/2022 19:23

I'm sorry this is happening, big hugs, it's happened to the best of us.

Many moons ago, I found insulting texts about me from a partner to their bit on the side. It's horrible.

But your kids are watching you. You must keep your head up, and just get on with this. You already know he must go. I don't know your personal situation, but either he leaves the house or you do, there is tons of help out there if you need it.

18 months is no time at all and I'm afraid you don't know him, by the sounds of it you could do without doing so.

Good luck.

ICanHideButICantRun · 25/10/2022 19:27

Whose house is it, OP? If it's yours, I'd kick him out tonight.

Are you going for a meal so that you have a chance to talk quietly? I wouldn't be able to eat if I was going to talk about that.

Mothership4two · 25/10/2022 19:36

It doesn't matter if it was an affair or a one off, he has cheated on you OP in some shape or form. Unless you plan to forgive him, which I really hope you don't, what's the point in trying to find out the details? And it's doubtful you would get an accurate and honest account from either party.

EG12391 · 25/10/2022 19:40

Please don’t let him get the better off you and convince you to stay, it’s not worth it, he’s done the ultimate betrayal in my eyes, although he hasn’t cheated (on this occasion, with this woman), but he was fully intending to. Is this really the first? If it’s in him, and he’s able to text her while he’s with you, even though he doesn’t seem like the type it seems he’s a very good liar/cheater to be texting in front of you!

Get out now before things get even more serious, you will find the right man. It’s taken me a 2 year relationship with an abuser, then a 6 year relationship and marriage with a lazy bum, and then a 1 year relationship with an absolute knob to find my husband who I’ve now been with for almost 7 years. You will find the right man, the man that deserves you and your children in his life.

InFiveMins · 25/10/2022 19:43

Hope you've got rid!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/10/2022 19:46

Arsehole-you’re well rid!🌸

Honeyroar · 25/10/2022 19:48

LemonDrop22 · 25/10/2022 16:25

What's he doing chasing a woman around bars and texting me at the same time saying he won't be back home. What the fuck. I don't get it.

I get flamed every time I say this, but there's often a reason why separated or divorced men with kids are separated/divorced.

And before all the "is it same for women then??!!" posts; no, it's not.

I think if you were to get the full story from the mother of his kids, you might find this is a pattern for him.

Yes there’s often a reason. In my husband’s case it’s because his wife had an affair. Don’t tar them all with the same brush..

In this case he’s definitely a cheat. Possibly a failed cheat because his target lady didn’t cooperate with his plan. But it’s not even as if he got home feeling guilty and thinking thank goodness nothing happened- he actively continued trying to cheat, even when he was next to you. And he even let the messages come up on your iPad. What a !

I’d be tempted to message her via the iPad and let her know he’s a cheater who had a family at home while he was pathetically trying to get his leg over her. I’d finish by saying you’re not after anything from her, you just wanted her to know that he’s now single because you’ve dumped him - if cheating scumbags float her boat.. (let him find out he’s dumped that way).

Although I expect, from you having gone quiet on this thread, that you’re otherwise occupied, probably talking to him. Best of luck, and I’m sorry for how badly he has treated you. He’s the loser. Can’t see what’s under his nose.

Lindengericht · 25/10/2022 19:53

CarefreeMe · 25/10/2022 18:20

I voted YABU as he’s not cheating with her but he’s TRYING to cheat - that for me is worse than of he’d actually done something drunkenly.

He literally does not care about you at all and it’s grim that he’s going around different bars trying to find this women when you’re sat at home.

I would not be surprised if he’s cheated with other women either on nights out or on dating sites.

This.

A drunken flirt is one thing but he has continued whilst sober. Lines have been crossed and there is intent.

RobLocMum · 25/10/2022 19:59

Please tell me you’ve dumped him. This will happen again and again…..if you let it.
DON’T ….get shot of him now.
It will hurt like hell but not for long. Not as much as it will if you stay with this arsehole. I hope you’re ok xx

PinkyFlamingo · 25/10/2022 20:11

I don't understand this kind of person- why be in a relationship at all if you want to shag around. I'm sorry OP.

Callmesadie · 25/10/2022 20:14

I hope you’re ok OP. Did you confront him?

Jenasaurus · 25/10/2022 20:18

I am so sorry this has happened; it must have come as a terrible shock. I think you know what you have to do, but it won't make it any easier. When you met him for the first time, did he pursue you, it sounds like he is a player who enjoys the chase and won't change. I hope you move on from this and have friends and family who can help you through this x

Dotcheck · 25/10/2022 20:22

You DO know what to do. You can see what happened- no need to call her

PlainJaneSuperBrain99 · 25/10/2022 20:57

Ugh. Get rid.

Wanttobehappy123 · 25/10/2022 20:58

At least you have found out now that he is a d… and not have wasted any more time on this relationship. I am sorry op. This is a horrible experience for anyone

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/10/2022 20:58

What an absolute twat! At least you found out at this fairly early stage.

Mamma2017 · 25/10/2022 20:58

Ah I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Reminds me of an awful time in my life with an ex. I Agree with everyone else- don’t need to phone her, don’t let him gaslight you with his excuses, get rid immediately & work on moving forward just you and your children- it’s so hard but you’ll be sooooo glad you did it for you & your children 💯
HUGE hugs 💐

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/10/2022 20:59

I would message her and ask. Not confrontational, just the facts. She won’t know about you.

lightisnotwhite · 25/10/2022 21:07

donttellmehesalive · 25/10/2022 17:49

How embarrassing for him. He was desperately chasing and she was giving him the name of the wrong bar! Ewww get rid.

I was thinking this. I bet she made the Covid thing too to stop him pestering her.

Really Op he can’t be all that if he can’t pull, even with effort. You on the other hand can definitely do better.

Sandra1984 · 25/10/2022 21:10

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/10/2022 20:59

I would message her and ask. Not confrontational, just the facts. She won’t know about you.

Ask her what? If her husband is a skirt chaser and pesters women for sex? What do you think she's going to tell the OP doesn't know already?

Blueink · 25/10/2022 21:29

This is damning. Sorry OP. It’s almost worse as he’s chasing her about and coming on so strong when whatever went on before, she’s clearly ‘not that in to him’. I wouldn’t bother to call her though, it’s him you have a commitment with.

RandomMusings7 · 25/10/2022 21:35

Sandra1984 · 25/10/2022 21:10

Ask her what? If her husband is a skirt chaser and pesters women for sex? What do you think she's going to tell the OP doesn't know already?

Show quote history

Agreed. Leave the poor woman alone. She doesn't need to be caught up in the drama. And OP already has all the info she needs. Whether anything physical happened between them is really not relevant. He's still a cheating bastard, whether successful or not...