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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

These texts show he's cheating on me. Don't they?

229 replies

Prora · 25/10/2022 15:36

I was on mine and my boyfriends iPad closing down some apps, in the process I've come across some texts between my boyfriend of 18 months and a woman dated last week. It appears he gave his number to this woman on a night out. It was a night where he was meant to come home, but he told me that he got drunk with some friends and didn't make the train.

In the text messages (at 11.30 at night) he asks where she is and she tells him she's in a bar. He tells her he doesn't believe she's in a bar and she texts him saying, 'I am. Not sleeping with you or letting you spend the night.' He then responds, 'You're a saint.'
They then exchange several messages where he is trying to find the bar she is in. He can't find her so eventually gets a taxi to his friends house. She then texts him in the morning saying 'You wanted to stay out ;)' and he responds that 'I know I did! You were hiding from me telling me the wrong bar.'
Then the following day he text her asking how she is, and she replies she has covid, and he takes a test and tells her he is negative. Then the last text he says, 'Let me know when you are back in (our home town) and want to get covid, I'll take you out.' with a kissing face emoji on the end.

Typing all this out. Fuck. I don't know what to do. There isn't an innocent explanation is there. Do I confront him when he is home later? I want to call the woman and find out what actually happened.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2022 17:43

What do you mean, you 'don't know what to do?'

Finish with the cheating bastard for starters and considerer having some therapy about your boundaries.

You deserve so much better than this piece of shit. Even she wouldn't have him!

ThreeRingCircus · 25/10/2022 17:45

I honestly wouldn't go to dinner with him, there's no point giving him the chance to "explain" because it's all there in black and white. They've clearly kissed and then he's chased her in the hope of a shag. I'd just spare yourself that argument over dinner and have his bags packed ready for him to leave.

Babasghost · 25/10/2022 17:49

Hugs

I would make changes such as getting my keys back, packing his stuff, cgangingvpin numbers and passwords and taking his name of any shared accounts.
I'd also spend a little time with the kids individually to reassure them and try to explain that it's not their fault. And once all this us done I'd kick him out, call a friend if his or family member to come pick up his stuff whilst he is out of the house and if you have to changed the locks.

He's been using you.
You deserve better, your kids deserve better and don't for one second allow yourself to be blamed for the upheaval that ending your relationship will bring.
You and he had an unspoken agreement that a loving relationship was the basis for being together...he is the one who reneged on that and ended it.

He betrayed you and the family you have built.

donttellmehesalive · 25/10/2022 17:49

How embarrassing for him. He was desperately chasing and she was giving him the name of the wrong bar! Ewww get rid.

fruitbrewhaha · 25/10/2022 17:51

Of course you know what to do, you end this relationship.

Onwards and upwards OP. It's only been 18 months, it takes a long time to really get to know someone and you've have found out he is not who you thought he was.

mathanxiety · 25/10/2022 17:53

He's obviously a man who enjoys the thrill of the chase.

This sort of man doesn't want to settle down. He has kids from a previous relationship - probably got bored with their mother when there was no more chasing, and the same happened in his relationship with you.

Dump him. You're dodging a bullet.

Conkersareback · 25/10/2022 17:54

ThreeRingCircus · 25/10/2022 17:45

I honestly wouldn't go to dinner with him, there's no point giving him the chance to "explain" because it's all there in black and white. They've clearly kissed and then he's chased her in the hope of a shag. I'd just spare yourself that argument over dinner and have his bags packed ready for him to leave.

Agreed and who wants the staff and others to hear all that shit!

Honestly OP, you're better than that!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 25/10/2022 17:55

I'd bin him off before dinner op

Sorry this has happened to you

Crumpleton · 25/10/2022 17:56

Definitely don't go out to dinner, it's not going to be an enjoyable meal.
I'd screen shot the messages, send him a message saying "10 out of 10 for trying, I'll take this as our relationships over" then follow by sending the sreen shots.

Don't give him a chance to turn it round on you and say he was pissed and can't even remember sending them....you're the love of his life....what about the kids...blah blah yardy yar...

MotherofTerriers · 25/10/2022 17:56

Copy the texts, even if its just photos on your phone. He will delete and say you are imagining it
Use the time during dinner to discuss how to unravel your lives together.

I'm so sorry OP, its rubbish, you must be so upset and disappointed

ChakaKhanfan · 25/10/2022 17:57

I wouldn’t bother with the dinner, I would just be leaving his stuff outside your house with a printed out version of the messages!

gonutkin · 25/10/2022 17:59

What a greedy little prick. Sorry OP, I know the feeling and it's really really shit. Hope your ok x

Pinkbonbon · 25/10/2022 18:02

I'd just pack his shit and leave it on the doorstep and change the locks.

No need to waste energy confronting him.
If his kids are there, drop them round at their mums.

It's not worth your time and energy hearing his bs excuses or lies.

Astrak · 25/10/2022 18:05

Definitely pack up his stuff and that of his children. Get the door/window locks changed.
Nasty little creep. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

MsDogLady · 25/10/2022 18:07

This is terrible, Prora. He’s a sleazy fraud who convinced you that he was committed and monogamous. Although he didn’t succeed in shagging this woman, his pursuing her was cheating. Continuing to chase her in your presence was a really low move.

Tell him the relationship is over. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity to manipulate you with crocodile tears, pathetic excuses, minimizing, or blame-shifting. Don’t be swayed by his begging for another chance. His actions prove that he doesn’t care about you or your children. Flowers

Gihi · 25/10/2022 18:10

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I completelt agree with @Theskyisfallingdown

I'd be tempted to just dump him with zero explanation and not telling him you know he was cheating/trying to cheat. Just a 'I don't love you anymore, you're not right for me'. Just be really really cold.

You know why? It will hurt him more than you ending it because he was caught doing something wrong. He's hurt you, I'd hurt him back and leave him as dazed and confused as you are now.

Massive hugs xx

CarefreeMe · 25/10/2022 18:20

I voted YABU as he’s not cheating with her but he’s TRYING to cheat - that for me is worse than of he’d actually done something drunkenly.

He literally does not care about you at all and it’s grim that he’s going around different bars trying to find this women when you’re sat at home.

I would not be surprised if he’s cheated with other women either on nights out or on dating sites.

KangFang · 25/10/2022 18:22

C'mon - it's nailed on.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 25/10/2022 18:32

Yes to getting the locks changed and packing up everything of his and his kids. I don’t know how old they are but this might be a valuable life lesson for them, not to make the same life choices as their dad. Poor sods.

MarthasMum30 · 25/10/2022 18:32

You deserve better.
Your children deserve better.
Please don’t be manipulated or guilt tripped into giving him another chance.
Even if nothing physical happened - just look at his conduct.
What an absolute chump.

GG1986 · 25/10/2022 18:51

What a prick. Yes he is cheating, sorry. It's so hard to read text like this, I had the same situation with my ex, eventually left him after over 2 years together. Confront him and break things off, you deserve better x

Gh12345 · 25/10/2022 18:54

100% cheating

MyMumSaysALot · 25/10/2022 18:54

Your wanting to phone her proves your relationship is over.
You don’t trust him.
There’s no trust.
Without trust, there’s no relationship.
Give up.
Move on.
I’m very sorry.

Oysterbabe · 25/10/2022 19:09

He was chasing her and she was not interested. You need to dump him, this is nothing to do with her.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/10/2022 19:11

Looks like he failed but he tried very fucking hard, the dick.

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