Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

These texts show he's cheating on me. Don't they?

229 replies

Prora · 25/10/2022 15:36

I was on mine and my boyfriends iPad closing down some apps, in the process I've come across some texts between my boyfriend of 18 months and a woman dated last week. It appears he gave his number to this woman on a night out. It was a night where he was meant to come home, but he told me that he got drunk with some friends and didn't make the train.

In the text messages (at 11.30 at night) he asks where she is and she tells him she's in a bar. He tells her he doesn't believe she's in a bar and she texts him saying, 'I am. Not sleeping with you or letting you spend the night.' He then responds, 'You're a saint.'
They then exchange several messages where he is trying to find the bar she is in. He can't find her so eventually gets a taxi to his friends house. She then texts him in the morning saying 'You wanted to stay out ;)' and he responds that 'I know I did! You were hiding from me telling me the wrong bar.'
Then the following day he text her asking how she is, and she replies she has covid, and he takes a test and tells her he is negative. Then the last text he says, 'Let me know when you are back in (our home town) and want to get covid, I'll take you out.' with a kissing face emoji on the end.

Typing all this out. Fuck. I don't know what to do. There isn't an innocent explanation is there. Do I confront him when he is home later? I want to call the woman and find out what actually happened.

OP posts:
onlywishfulthinking · 25/10/2022 16:39

Don’t confront him, just leave. He’ll only say hurtful untrue things about you and they’ll stick.

SouperNoodle · 25/10/2022 16:39

Whether he went through with anything or not is irrelevant here. He definitely had the intention to and he can't blame it on being drunk and stupid as he messaged her over the next few days whilst sober.
If he's already like this after only 18 months, prepare for it to only get worse over the years (if you intend to stay).

stayathomegardener · 25/10/2022 16:49

I wouldn't waste my time on dinner with him.

FlissyPaps · 25/10/2022 16:51

There’s no evidence he’s physically cheated, but the intention is there! Sorry OP, this must be so shit to digest.

He’s clearly not the guy you think he is. And although 18 months can be seen as a long time, it’s better you’re finding out now than a few years down the line.

Don’t contact the woman. Leave him with your head high. Don’t take this bullshit treatment. You will find better than him.

IncompleteSenten · 25/10/2022 16:55

They are inappropriate and very flirtatious. I would definitely interpret them as him pursuing her.

I would just dump him.

You'll never get the truth out of him. How many women he's given his number to/got their number from, how many he saw again and he'll only admit to what you can prove. He's not worth it.

Blahdeebla · 25/10/2022 16:56

I'm so sorry, what a prick.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 25/10/2022 16:58

You should get tested for stis. Where's there's one there'll be more.

2catsandhappy · 25/10/2022 16:58

So he got his feet under the table and family blending all nicely. You have feelings for him and plans for the future.

In the space of a night out you have found out what he really thinks of you. He is an utter knob. Bin him off. Throw him back.
I hope you have bin bags ready to pack his stuff after you drive back from dinner. He may panic and blurt out all sorts of excuses and beg you to forgive him. But he wasn't thinking of you on that night out. Get HIS KEY off him before you leave the restaurant.
So sorry op, stay strong.

Wetblanket78 · 25/10/2022 16:58

It also sounds like she's doing her best to avoid him.

notmyrealmoniker · 25/10/2022 17:01

It doesnt matter a flying fuck if he did or did not sleep with her then or it it is an affair. He was going to cheat and made every effort to cheat. Theres no innocent explanation and you are a fool if you ask him to explain or lie to you, which he will.
His bags should be packed and on the doorstep If he does this after 18 months (aka honeymoon period) what would he be doing in a few years?

LemonDrop22 · 25/10/2022 17:04

In the space of a night out you have found out what he really thinks of you

Nothing that he wouldn't think of any woman he was with, I imagine. There's a reason he's a single Dad and has now fucked up this relationship where he's moved in introduced his kids (presuming there weren't other relationships in between).

He's just the type that wants to chase skirt and flirt and try to get a shag with somebody different if he thinks he had the chance when he's out socialising. (Happy to keep in touch and chase those opportunities when at home too).

Lovemusic33 · 25/10/2022 17:06

I wouldn’t do this over dinner. If it’s your house then just pack his things up and kick him out.

I have been exactly where you are now but my ex got abusive before I found out he had been cheating, kicking him out was pretty straight forward other than worrying about him being abusive again. I packed his things and left them outside, also changed the locks, left a note on top of his things telling him not to ever come back. I totally trusted him too even though the signs were there, I just didn’t see them at the time as I was totally brain washed by him.

At the end of the day all men (and women) are capable of cheating.

DenholmElliot1 · 25/10/2022 17:07

I'm guessing he moved into your home - think you might have been targetted here 🙁but at least you can ask him to leave.

TimeforZeroes · 25/10/2022 17:09

She’s relatively evasive with him so I wouldn’t imagine she’ll be at all forthcoming with you. You’ll drive yourself mad.

AlternativelyWired · 25/10/2022 17:12

Cheating scum.

Juicylychee · 25/10/2022 17:16

You really don’t need to ring her, you have all the evidence you need.

XAQ · 25/10/2022 17:16

He is a lying, cheating scum.

I'd eat the food and walk off with out paying. Taking my car with me.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2022 17:19

I wouldn't bother contacting her. It appears that she put him off so what more could she say than "No, I didn't sleep with him" and you can already see that much from the texts.

Did you copy the texts to your phone or take pics of them? If you can, you should. When you confront him, the first thing he's going to do is delete those messages and accuse you of being 'crazy'.

Frankly, I probably wouldn't even get into it with him as it's only going to end up in denials, counter-accusations (ie DARVO), and an argument (or worse). I'd take the coward's way out and just say "This relationship isn't working for me anymore and you need to find some other place to live, starting right now". The most I'd say if he questioned me would be "Think about your actions in the last week or so and I think you'll know why". But remember "JADE"; never Justify, Apologize/Argue, Defend, or Explain. Don't let yourself be drawn in.

I'm assuming, that is, that the home is in your name. If it's his or if it's joint, I'd be making plans to leave myself before I confronted him since chances are he won't 'go quietly'.

donttellmehesalive · 25/10/2022 17:23

I'm sorry this has happened to you. What a shame and what a disgrace he is. Screenshot the messages for when he denies it and tells people you're crazy. It's good that you found out now, although I don't suppose that's much consolation at the moment. I wouldn't meet him and give him an opportunity to convince me it's just flirting. I'd text now and never see him again.

Berrylina · 25/10/2022 17:23

You don't have children TOGETHER. This is the most important bit. Makes leaving easier

Sandra1984 · 25/10/2022 17:30

Juicylychee · 25/10/2022 17:16

You really don’t need to ring her, you have all the evidence you need.

Exactly, texts proof he chased her for sex like mad and she told him to f_ck of. The man is pestering women for sex, some will succumb and some not. What more info do you need?

iRun2eatCake · 25/10/2022 17:32

Please don't fall for his BS excuses. Or being told you're paranoid..... or that you're spoiling dinner... the relationship....blah blah blah

You're worth so much more then that.

Eloise38 · 25/10/2022 17:34

Yikes, you've blended both your families after only 18 months? What a mess. He definitely intended to cheat and you're well rid.

Conkersareback · 25/10/2022 17:35

What's the living arrangements, whose name is it in?

menopausalbloat · 25/10/2022 17:41

Oof, time to get rid. Once a cheat always a cheat. People like him just have absolutely no respect.

Swipe left for the next trending thread