Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Sounds like an eating disorder. Get him a hypnotherapy course online. I swear it will work. My friend lost 2stone over 6 months with hardly any effort. As she lost weight and got my energy she also lost more weight. It was called Hypnoband and was a three week course I believe. I guess you then more on to a different one but it clearly worked and she looks amazing! I can get info if you want.

I had good results with hypnoband although I would recommend that they don't listen to the third disc......it came over a bit false

105kg is 16.5 stone.

I'm a male (if this helps my point of view).

I'm 16.8 stone and 6ft tall

I'm size 34 in trousers... and only in large size shirts.

How is 16.5 stone obese?? So much so that he can't be active?
Is he 5ft 4" or something?

Struggling to understand...

His height was given with his weight. He’s 5’7”.

My bad, didn't see that.

Wow.. clearly we carry weight much differently.
Interesting.

I've personally stopped all sugar this past week, it's been really hard. Especially as it's all so accessible.

If my will was even slightly weaker... I'd be 19st.

Poor guy... I just worry that you leaving him would cause him to spiral... or it could flip him the other way.. and into a gym nut. I've seen it happen to friends.

In any relationship each partner should be doing their part to keep the relationship alive, keep it fun, keep loving and caring for the other. This looks like a one sided relationship and he is no longer trying. I know they say you should stay together through thick and thin, but that's where both partners are giving it their all, which he is not. I can understand one being ill mentally or physically, but this doesn't last forever, things should start to ease up and get better again. If he has been this way for a long time now and no consideration for you and the future, then it will soon be time to let him go. You deserve the world. You have to think about what life do you want to live and does life look more at peace and free with or without him... its a hard decision to make, but when your eyes open and heart knows what is right, it'll be the best thing for you.

I have also seen a comment on here stating they're worried if you leave him then he will spiral. But that is NOT your responsibility what he does. He is not a child and you have tried everything to help him and nothing is working. There is only so much a person can do for another, it has to come from themselves if they want change. Do not feel responsible for him.

I am bigger than this, same height and I am the only one doing any parenting. I mean, you don't have to go on rides or chase them all over the field to do parenting. There are a ton of other things he can do as a parent that don't involve strenuous activity. Frankly, at more than that weight I could still hop over counters, run, jump rope, etc so I think that there is more here than just being obese. I know doctors like to ignore you and all your symptoms and just say, "lose weight and all will be healed" but there is either something medical or mental or both going on here.

Are you fucking joking? I am 5'4" and 114kg. I am working full time as well as looking after kids and going to the gym and doing weights etc.

I am assuming there is more going on than his weight. Has he been seen by his GP?

Definitely agree with last two posters. This is so not about obesity although it is easy to blame it on obesity .
I do the bulk of the parenting and pretty much everything around the house including a physical part time job. Over the years my BMI has been within the range 25 to 43 ish. Even at the top end I was still able to do everything including going on rides at theme parks and taking kids to park etc etc.
This man is either physically or mentally unwell or has checked out of family life or a combination of all three.

@user1471462428
I am a diabetes specialist nurse and the symptoms you are describing, the severe lethargy and exhaustion and sleepiness sounds to me like he may now well be diabetic. You said that he was pre-diabetic and reversed it, this is possible, but the changes he made to hold the diabetes back would need to be sustained changes otherwise he would go back to being pre-diabetic and eventually, in many cases, become diabetic. If he refuses to go to the gp then you could order a private hba1c test from thriva or similar. And for the record I do not think you would be bad for leaving.That being said, happy and mentally healthy people do not eat themselves to death. I'm sorry for his troubles but you have a right to feel supported and be happy.

Not read all of the thread but I second that this sounds like sleep apnoea and is treatable

There's plenty of people who are that overweight and still manage to be fairly active. The exhaustion and light headedness sounds like another issue, low iron/anaemia or a heart condition or something. I urge you to get him to see a GP for a full physical/blood tests and a heart check. I suspect that there is something more.

As to leaving him, well only you can decide that. But if you still care for/love him I would consider getting couple's counselling to see if you can motivate him to improve his life first.

I'd leave. I wouldn't want my kids to see and be around someone that's so food oriented over being with them.

Tell him he either diets and gets help or you're leaving. Give a deadline.
You're essentially looking after dcs and him.

If you were a lone parent you'd only have them to care for and then have more time to focus on yourself

I was the same weight as your partner and exhausted all the time. Then I found out that I had an under active thyroid. Take one pill a day of levothyroxine now- 75lbs lighter and loads of energy. Tell him to get his thyroid function checked.

Honestly, I don't blame you. I am 5ft tall, and currently weigh 125ish pounds. But after having had my 2 kids I shot up to 240 pounds. I worked, was incredibly active. But because of health issues, and having 2 kids I just couldn't get rid of the weight. I one day decided enough was enough and I cut out pop, gradually, started eating healthier. I did take a nutritional supplement called Thrive. Here I am having lost more than 125 pounds and back to a normal weight. I started my weight loss journey 9/2017 got to the weight I wanted January 2020. It was a healthy change in weight, my drs were happy and I have kept it off since. I know if I can do it, your husband can too. But he has to be fed up with his life enough. Yes, I would stay with mine through this type of a situation, but in all honesty, I do not at all blame you if you were to leave. He clearly doesn't value his life enough to see the damage he is doing to himself, and honestly committing the most painful suicide. No family should have to watch that.

I also think there might be another health problem involved. He is overweight, but not to the level where it should be impacting his activity to this extent.

While he is classed in the obese margin, 16 stone is really not that much to be debilitating, there must be more going on! Joint pains? I wouldn't suggest surgery to someone though if anyone said that to me I'd resent them tbh it's very demeaning! You do need to talk to him about health concerns though he may have something as simple as low iron! If you do the cooking check out slimming world recipes, cooking with less oil and filling half of the plate with veg then gradually increase it to 3/4 plate of veg, things packed with vitamins etc. To help him feel more energised! If he's not willing to make small changes for his own health then what more can you do? You deserve to be happy too!

As previously mentioned on the thread it is entirely possible he has mental health (there have been past instances where I thought he was delusional/schizophrenic). However, he denies this and there is a lot of stigma attached to mental health in his culture. He believes in spirits etc and has previously said he thought I was possessed by them.

OP, this is very, very worrying (particularly the bit where he has suggested that you are possessed by spirits). Are other people aware that he thinks this? I would really, really recommend that you disclose this to someone like your GP.

105kg is not obese unless he's 5ft flat.
I'm 121kg and 5'11".
I'm disabled and have other health issues that have contributed to my weight. I was a lot heavier (approx 152kg) just over 4yrs ago and I had bariatric surgery (had to pay privately for it, almost £10k) and lost 65kg but have put about 35 back on over the pandemic and lockdowns, I'm trying really hard to lose it all again.
Surgery isn't an easy route and should be the absolute last resort.
BUT do you not think that every time you have a go at your partner about his weight it might affect his mental health?
Thinking about leaving him JUST because of his weight is really low and small-minded, to be honest, if I were in his shoes, I'd be considering leaving you because of the mental torment you're subjecting him to!

@user1471462428

As previously mentioned on the thread it is entirely possible he has mental health (there have been past instances where I thought he was delusional/schizophrenic).

I was going to ask whether you're a mental health professional when I saw you 'diagnosing' your OH as 'delusional/schizophrenic', but then I reread the sentence and you proved that you're not by saying 'entirely possible he has mental health', everyone has 'mental health' is just that some may have problems with theirs and as such might not experience 'good' health health.
Is amazing how so many people with no experience of this health speciality seem to think they know how to diagnose.
As I said in my previous post, it's entirely possible that he's sick of being belittled and is affected by 'low mood' because of it, I'm not a mh professional but worked in the field for long enough to recognise basic traits and issues, plus I'm not diagnosing major conditions, just suggesting something extremely common and fairly simple.
Maybe treating him a bit better might make him feel better and if you support him instead of constantly nagging going on about his weight, it might give him the impetus needed to try to lose some but having you constantly in his ear telling him he has to lose weight can actually be counterproductive, shut up about his weight and you might find he'll do something about it when he's not constantly being reminded about it.

I don’t know whether the latest poster haven’t read the thread but I don’t nag him about his weight. I never bring it up unless he mentions it. I’ve never asked him lose weight and have only looked into weight loss surgery at his request. I don’t even talk about health in front of him as he is easily triggered by it and I don’t want my kids to endure a night of him shouting because I mentioned I’m in pain or suffering that day. I’m currently waiting for surgery and I’ve not even discussed with him, he took himself on holiday for last 2 surgeries so he didn’t have to deal with me. I keep the minimal conversations we do have based around the children and their needs.
I haven’t diagnosed him with any mental health issues, I just commented that his episode a couple of years ago (brought up by other people on this thread) where he appeared to think I was a Jinnah and possessed was possibly a schizophrenic episode. I wouldn’t have mentioned his mental health if hadn’t been for other posters. He denies any mental health problems and doesn’t seem to remember the episode at all. I don’t bring it up as I found it extremely distressing and I’m concerned that any extra stress I place on his life will trigger it again. Which is why I do everything.

I have not rtft so sorry if anyone has said these - have you tried Second Nature? It may be available through the NHS - it's certainly recommended by them. It's a whole app based programme of daily reads around the science of over eating - how fatigue and mental exhaustion and insulin and exercise all affect weight. It's got a chat and a coach so it feels less like you're out on your own. They are keen on changing habits for life.
NHS might pay for it because it's cheaper than gastric bypass, which would be another option. It's scary but damn is it effective.

I’ve never asked him lose weight.

You're a better woman than me.

If my DH was nudging morbidly obese and so unfit/unwell that he couldn't participate in normal life, damn straight I'd be asking him to do something about it.

I’m currently waiting for surgery and I’ve not even discussed with him, he took himself on holiday for last 2 surgeries so he didn’t have to deal with me.

This is appalling behaviour on his part. I had surgery recently and my DH waited on me hand and foot to assist with my recovery.

his episode a couple of years ago (brought up by other people on this thread) where he appeared to think I was a Jinnah and possessed was possibly a schizophrenic episode. I wouldn’t have mentioned his mental health if hadn’t been for other posters. He denies any mental health problems

And this is awful as well.

He's a grown man with serious mental and physical issues, but who takes no responsibility for addressing them himself. Meanwhile you're run ragged trying to do everything. Grown adults with children have a responsibility to look after their mental and physical health - he is utterly failing at this.

You're worth more than this. You're not responsible for saving him. My advice is to put your own oxygen mask on first, and get out of this marriage, because it doesn't appear to make you happy.