Page 25 | Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

user1471462428 · 2022-10-25T12:23:31+00:00

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him. I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 18:51

An obese pregnant woman displays a wholly unexpected heart rate for an obese person AND a pregnant person (let alone both)

and her response is to praise you for having the heart rate of an Olympian

utterly negligent, that’s what she was

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/10/2022 18:57

A lot of people (including nurses) think that the lower your heart rate is the fitter you must be, but it's not really true.

A low heart rate does not necessarily indicate good health at all. It doesn't necessarily indicate bad health either, but it's not something to boast about (I say that with a low heart rate myself).

My mum (who has had a heart rate of 48 her entire life) has actually had a heart attack. She is not in good cardiac health.

Burgoo · 27/10/2022 19:03

You could make lemonade out of lemons and use him as an inflatable! Kidding obv ;)

It's really hard because it sounds like he isn't wanting to or is unable to make the changes he needs to feel better and to be more active with the kids. As others have said, from your original post I assumed he was about 200+kg. Whilst it is still heavier, 110kg-ish isn't monstrous though certainly not good for his health.

I have some thoughts on this though:

What is getting in the way of him losing weight? Does he WANT to? Does he see there's a problem?
If he wants to, what stops it? You both need to make the environment work for him so he can do it. I eat before I go shopping so that I don't get the cravings for sugary stuff in the aisles. I know I am much more susceptible to eating badly if I am hungry and snacking. If I am tired, I am much less likely to care if I am eating unhealthily because my decision-making decreases when tired.
What is the negative consequence of carrying on as he is? At the moment the buzz of eating too much/badly outweighs (no pun intended) any consequences of doing it. What would make eating badly aversive for him? Why should he lose weight? What incentive does he have? And that incentive MUST be stronger than the instant kick he gets from eating badly. This is why kicking drugs, alcohol, fast-food etc is so hard to get people to do. Remember that your stomach is right next to a clump of nerves that prompt a "comfort, rest, digest" response in the brain. If he gets full and that nerve group gets pressed by the stomach, it will turn off misery signals. What a wonderful way of keeping that habit going!
If he doesn't want to stop, then why? If it's that he likes being heavy and out of breath, then you have to consider whether you can accept him as he is. remember you can't change other people. So, you either accept (not agree, condone, enable) that he is as he is and he may suffer and die young, let go of the relationship and move on or stay miserable. There aren't any other alternatives.

I'm curious what your thoughts/judgments/beliefs are about him and his weight/physical state? Are your THOUGHTS about his current state more of a problem than the actual state of him? Why are you resisting reality? Because regardless of whether you like it or not, the fact is he is as he is. Is it that you think "if he cared about us enough, he wouldn't do things where we will lose him early?" or some version of that?

This is SO hard. I have historically found dating people of certain builds/shapes difficult and when partners have changed over time, I found it so hard to accept. It sounds like he is deeply unhappy, but we need the facts not assumptions.

Good luck!

comotellamas · 27/10/2022 19:32

Funinthesun75 · 27/10/2022 18:39

It doesn't have to be intensive though @Herejustforthisone . Walking is excellent exercise and you can increase the intensity as your fitness improves. Or swimming or other exercise in the water is good too.
I firmly believe that exercise is the key to achieving or maintaining a healthy weight.
Obviously being careful with your eating helps too.
I started walking but built up to jogging as the weight came off.

There's actually a huge amount of research that shows that exercise has very little impact on weight for the majority of people. A small proportion of the population see big results from it but they're unusual. Gary Taubes goes through the research in one of his chapters and it's just very ineffective for weight loss unless you've got the right genes and body type.

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 19:45

Funinthesun75 · 27/10/2022 18:39

It doesn't have to be intensive though @Herejustforthisone . Walking is excellent exercise and you can increase the intensity as your fitness improves. Or swimming or other exercise in the water is good too.
I firmly believe that exercise is the key to achieving or maintaining a healthy weight.
Obviously being careful with your eating helps too.
I started walking but built up to jogging as the weight came off.

No, I’m not talking about getting good exercise if someone is bigger, I’m talking about the posters who claim to be 140kg and doing ‘high intensity’ exercise, six times a week, while flying about as part of family life.

Original poster

user1471462428 · 27/10/2022 19:54

Burgoo · 27/10/2022 19:03

You could make lemonade out of lemons and use him as an inflatable! Kidding obv ;)

It's really hard because it sounds like he isn't wanting to or is unable to make the changes he needs to feel better and to be more active with the kids. As others have said, from your original post I assumed he was about 200+kg. Whilst it is still heavier, 110kg-ish isn't monstrous though certainly not good for his health.

I have some thoughts on this though:

What is getting in the way of him losing weight? Does he WANT to? Does he see there's a problem?
If he wants to, what stops it? You both need to make the environment work for him so he can do it. I eat before I go shopping so that I don't get the cravings for sugary stuff in the aisles. I know I am much more susceptible to eating badly if I am hungry and snacking. If I am tired, I am much less likely to care if I am eating unhealthily because my decision-making decreases when tired.
What is the negative consequence of carrying on as he is? At the moment the buzz of eating too much/badly outweighs (no pun intended) any consequences of doing it. What would make eating badly aversive for him? Why should he lose weight? What incentive does he have? And that incentive MUST be stronger than the instant kick he gets from eating badly. This is why kicking drugs, alcohol, fast-food etc is so hard to get people to do. Remember that your stomach is right next to a clump of nerves that prompt a "comfort, rest, digest" response in the brain. If he gets full and that nerve group gets pressed by the stomach, it will turn off misery signals. What a wonderful way of keeping that habit going!
If he doesn't want to stop, then why? If it's that he likes being heavy and out of breath, then you have to consider whether you can accept him as he is. remember you can't change other people. So, you either accept (not agree, condone, enable) that he is as he is and he may suffer and die young, let go of the relationship and move on or stay miserable. There aren't any other alternatives.

I'm curious what your thoughts/judgments/beliefs are about him and his weight/physical state? Are your THOUGHTS about his current state more of a problem than the actual state of him? Why are you resisting reality? Because regardless of whether you like it or not, the fact is he is as he is. Is it that you think "if he cared about us enough, he wouldn't do things where we will lose him early?" or some version of that?

This is SO hard. I have historically found dating people of certain builds/shapes difficult and when partners have changed over time, I found it so hard to accept. It sounds like he is deeply unhappy, but we need the facts not assumptions.

Good luck!

Thanks this is so insightful. I guess I’m upset that we cannot have a life as a family because he can’t join in due to tiredness and breathlessness for example we were just decorating the youngest bedroom and after 5 minutes he was panting and had to sit down. I then completed the work.
I’m always tired as I have taken the burden of everything as not to put him under any strain this has a knock on effect on my mood and health.
I’ve never been a ‘looks’ person but I do miss him slimmer as he was more active.
He will diet for a few days then give up, mostly started with encouragement from his friends. He will give up but not mention it to me. Our communication is really poor as I’ve given up on some level as he ignores whatever I say and it has had impact on my confidence.
As previously mentioned on the thread it is entirely possible he has mental health (there have been past instances where I thought he was delusional/schizophrenic). However, he denies this and there is a lot of stigma attached to mental health in his culture. He believes in spirits etc and has previously said he thought I was possessed by them.
I think his main barrier is laziness though he loves nothing more than sleeping. I have no idea what the future hold for us.

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 19:56

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/10/2022 18:57

A lot of people (including nurses) think that the lower your heart rate is the fitter you must be, but it's not really true.

A low heart rate does not necessarily indicate good health at all. It doesn't necessarily indicate bad health either, but it's not something to boast about (I say that with a low heart rate myself).

My mum (who has had a heart rate of 48 her entire life) has actually had a heart attack. She is not in good cardiac health.

My cousin has bradycardia and had a cardiac arrest at 34.

PeachyPeachTrees · 27/10/2022 19:59

He's not heavy enough for these symptoms. Sounds like sleep apnea is having big effect and probably has diabetes too. He can't just carry on like this. Very tough situation.

Herejustforthisone · 27/10/2022 19:59

As previously mentioned on the thread it is entirely possible he has mental health (there have been past instances where I thought he was delusional/schizophrenic). However, he denies this and there is a lot of stigma attached to mental health in his culture. He believes in spirits etc and has previously said he thought I was possessed by them.

This is extremely concerning…

Katej82 · 27/10/2022 20:55

Completely agree my oh has this severely obstructive sleep apnea and hes still piling on weight! But it seems since the diagnosis hes got worse and has an excuse to binge eat due to feeling excessively tired. I literally could have wrote OP post myself he definitely has an eating disorder though. But hes put on around 5 stone since we met from being around 14.5 stone I'd say hes at around at least 20stone, mine is 5ft10 so he is very overweight. I'm now a single parent pretty much I am on pains if I go anywhere as oh falls asleep constantly even when alone with our 1 year old. What worries me if we separate is contact as it would need to be supervised as he falls asleep so much in fact he did yesterday thank God I walked in the lounge as he left the safety gate open leading to stairs! Give me strength!

mathanxiety · 27/10/2022 21:22

I think the future should hold a separation.

He doesn't listen to you, and you are parenting and managing family life on your own already.

Blueink · 27/10/2022 21:29

OP, he needs to eat different meals if those are what suit the rest of the family. Lean protein and a big salad or cooked vegetables, will make him less hungry later. A full fat plain yoghurt with fruit or nuts. The cheese and walnuts were probably better than other snacks he is going for, (but no more than a matchbox and about 5 walnut halves!).
If he sits down after 5 mins, fine, but he needs to get back up again, even if it’s only another 5, and so on - not just give up and let you get on with it. He will only increase his exercise tolerance by doing more.

JustLyra · 27/10/2022 22:26

I think his main barrier is laziness though he loves nothing more than sleeping.

If he has sleep apnoea then excessive sleeping is not laziness.

Untreated sleep apnoea can destroy your health physically and mentally.

Without treatment, sleep apnoea can lead to other problems including:

high blood pressure
a higher chance of having a stroke
type 2 diabetes
heart disease
depression or mood changes
a higher chance of having a serious accident caused by tiredness, such as a car accident
difficulty concentrating at work or school

www.nhs.uk/conditions/sleep-apnoea/

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/10/2022 22:46

Not going to the GP about it is laziness though. Or apathy. Whatever it is, it's not good.

Fiddledeedeefiddle · 28/10/2022 04:04

Razu45 · 27/10/2022 12:55

Every day in full time very busy job, “flying around”, dog walking every day, swimming 2x a week.

Not the above, that’s for sure.

Show quote history

@Razu45

That’s actually hilarious that due to a perception you hold about overweight people you are effectively calling me a liar. I can assure you all of the above activity is true, I have absolutely no reason to lie. I fully appreciate my BMI is significantly higher than it should be and heralds the advent of medical problems. I won’t disclose my job as it would be outing but suffice to say it is at an executive level and requires a significant amount of flying around.
I’m still laughing at your ignorance and arrogance.

knitnerd90 · 28/10/2022 04:38

Blueink · 27/10/2022 21:29

OP, he needs to eat different meals if those are what suit the rest of the family. Lean protein and a big salad or cooked vegetables, will make him less hungry later. A full fat plain yoghurt with fruit or nuts. The cheese and walnuts were probably better than other snacks he is going for, (but no more than a matchbox and about 5 walnut halves!).
If he sits down after 5 mins, fine, but he needs to get back up again, even if it’s only another 5, and so on - not just give up and let you get on with it. He will only increase his exercise tolerance by doing more.

I have Type 2 diabetes. You actually do need to eat some carbohydrates.

Traditionally diabetes eating plans emphasize lower fat, especially dairy, because of the associations between T2 and cardiovascular disease. Your portion sizes are a bit off. For a snack it's 1oz higher fat cheese or 4oz cottage cheese, and a few more walnuts than that, but unless you're right before bed you want 15g of carbohydrate such as multigrain crackers.

As for the poster insisting someone MUST be unhealthy if they are overweight/obese they misunderstand the science. It's about correlation, and it changes (someone with BMI 26 is not the same as someone BMI 46!) You're placing the abstraction of BMI over actual measures of health such as exercise ability, blood markers, etc.

Blueink · 28/10/2022 07:20

Thanks @knitnerd90 i wasn’t suggesting a diabetes plan (he is not diagnosed with diabetes ATM) nor was I suggesting no carbs (like whole meal pitta) earlier in the day. Upthread I suggested blood tests and diabetic nurse to support and a more specific meal plan if that is requested. Loading up on pasta, risotto and other white carbs isn’t working. .

JustLyra · 28/10/2022 07:48

TomTraubertsBlues · 27/10/2022 22:46

Not going to the GP about it is laziness though. Or apathy. Whatever it is, it's not good.

Or depression.

People always massively underestimate the toll sleep disorders take on physical and mental health.

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 08:55

Fiddledeedeefiddle · 28/10/2022 04:04

@Razu45

That’s actually hilarious that due to a perception you hold about overweight people you are effectively calling me a liar. I can assure you all of the above activity is true, I have absolutely no reason to lie. I fully appreciate my BMI is significantly higher than it should be and heralds the advent of medical problems. I won’t disclose my job as it would be outing but suffice to say it is at an executive level and requires a significant amount of flying around.
I’m still laughing at your ignorance and arrogance.

Show quote history

Because no one ever fibs on an anonymous chat room. Nope, never ever

crumpetswithjam · 28/10/2022 09:18

You post sensitively about his possible schizophrenia, which I think you know he can't help, and yet you cannot abide him being a bit overweight.

Double standards OP.

butterflyrabbit · 28/10/2022 09:38

yet you cannot abide him being a bit overweight.

The only way you could conclude that this was what the OP was complaining about, after reading her posts, is if you believe that being "a bit overweight" automatically renders you unable to look after your own children.

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 10:24

crumpetswithjam · 28/10/2022 09:18

You post sensitively about his possible schizophrenia, which I think you know he can't help, and yet you cannot abide him being a bit overweight.

Double standards OP.

Well not really.

I have more sympathy for someone with cancer then I do with a hangover for example. Not double standards. Very different conditions.

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 10:26

butterflyrabbit · 28/10/2022 09:38

yet you cannot abide him being a bit overweight.

The only way you could conclude that this was what the OP was complaining about, after reading her posts, is if you believe that being "a bit overweight" automatically renders you unable to look after your own children.

Or indeed the pp is a lot bit overweight herself and defensive about it

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 10:27

To accuse someone of “double standards” because they are more “sensitive” about schizophrenia than being overweight is….. baffling

LeMoo · 28/10/2022 11:11

Razu45 · 28/10/2022 10:27

To accuse someone of “double standards” because they are more “sensitive” about schizophrenia than being overweight is….. baffling

That's true.

It's not directly comparable when someone is so wilfully ignorant.