Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

Sorry I can’t find the person who asked whether we get all meals provided. They feed us evening meals five days a week, I make breakfast and kids eat school dinners and when I’m working I eat from the canteen. It’s a cultural thing of getting fed everywhere you go. Something I’ve got used to but white English people still find odd.

I’ve got some negative comments on this thread about my lack of support but I really try my best to support him. I’ve got a list for the doctors and I’m looking into having having a private wellness check for him when I have the funds. His inability to do much is scaring me but possibly due to my anxiety rather than anything concrete.

I’ve got a list for the doctors and I’m looking into having having a private wellness check for him when I have the funds.

Has he actually taken the initiative to contact his GP about it? Why would you save up for a private check up if he won't even access the free healthcare that's available?

Honestly, this is not your responsibility. He's a grown man. He knows that he's not well, but it appears that he isn't doing anything about it.

Not only is it not your job to fix him, but you can't fix him - only he can decide to do it himself. You can voice your concerns, but if he chooses not to listen that's his call.

And I don’t have that automatic perception

but the idea that someone who is 21 stone and walking 30 miles a day is quite simply utter fiction. People on this thread have derailed how very active they are, and yet on other threads referred to their chronic knee and back problems and how tired they are.

When the NhS is in the situation it currently it is, I simply can’t help feeling somewhat frustrated by some of the comments here.

But that is still a lot of meals OP where you must be eating together, one of you cooking, completely separate to the work canteen? Weekends? Holidays?

Yes weekends I do meals. Pasta dishes. Risotto, sometimes a roast chicken. Nothing too unhealthy. We have a McDonald’s on pay day.

what is his portion size?

op put aside this issue, are you actually happy with him. your previous thread has been raised and really - he seems a very unpleasant person

I agree with you, I am trying to make the point that no matter how active some people say they are whilst being obese, they are NOT healthy.

OP he can’t go with a huge backlogged list to the GP to deal with in one appt, but he can for example go for the sleep apnea and at that appointment arrange further blood tests to get an overall picture of his health issues.
He may also be able to organise a separate wellness check with the nurse to check blood pressure etc.

I couldn't live or coparent with someone who was functionally killing himself, whether it be with alcohol, drugs, overwork, or food. YANBU

Same here.

I'd struggle to feel engaged or much enthusiasm for a relationship where my partner refused to consider the impact of their own behaviour on me as their partner, and our DC as their family unit, once it's been pointed out to them.

The OP is experiencing worsening health issues due to increasingly carrying the load and he doesn't seem bothered.

It shows a complete lack of respect.

Everything you mentioned bar the chicken will unfortunately be driving higher sugar levels and over stimulating appetite (as well as the sleep issues regulating leptin, gherlin etc)

Yes and I think that because they are unhealthy - a 20 stone person walking 30 miles a day? Fiction

There have been a lot of claims about doing X number of steps per day. But fitbits and the like are notoriously unreliable (they overcount massively), and potentially give people a skewed picture of their activity levels.

Medals don't though and when I was 16 stone whch is morbidly obese for my frame I regularly walked Marathon plus distances. Did I want to be smaller and faster? Of course but I was doing what I could to right it. Had I listened to all these nasty comments on this thread and other about me being gross do you think I would have been participating. Probably not!. Would I still be 16 stone. No , probably more. In order to lose weight people have to love their bodies for what they can do. Self loathing IMO just leads to low mood and than it is even harder to change.

His portions are the same as mine. I know he will wake at night and eat anything in the cupboards, I tried not buying snacks but then he’d eat a lump of cheese or all my walnuts in one go. Made it really hard to just plan meals, I know my meals are carb heavy but they have to suit the whole family and one my children is autistic so their palate is very limited.

All your walnuts, you say?! The cheek!

Agreed. Tall tales.

I couldn't be with someone that frankly lazy. He isn't caring about his life, body or children by slowly killing himself. I would leave as he is showing an awful example to your children, the same as I would leave someone who too drugs.

Sorry the walnut thing was meant to be tongue in cheek as I love them and he hates them but still managed to eat them when he was hungry. I’m not like that about other food I promise!!

I don’t think he weighs too much not to be active. A friend of mine is very heavy - much much heavier than that and she is so active and doesn’t struggle to have fun or work either. I think he is struggling with depression so I’d suggest that he gets that sorted then you can encourage him to start walking.

I’m not denying (like the other poster) that people can be bigger and still active, but surely, carrying additional weight and then attempting intensive activity is putting insane pressure on the cardiovascular system, not to mention joints and ligaments?

when I got pregnant with my eldest I was in the obese range on the bmi graph.

My heart rate was 40bpm. The nurse did it twice and said I had the heart rate of an Olympic athlete which puzzled her as I was this short fat woman and didn’t look anything like an Olympic athlete

When I explained my daily routine that sort of explained why.

5 days per week I would run 2 miles, cycle 5 miles and do 120 floors on the stair master.

I actually won the womens rowing challenge in the gym much to the chagrin of a much younger woman who thought she had it in the bag.

It doesn't have to be intensive though @Herejustforthisone . Walking is excellent exercise and you can increase the intensity as your fitness improves. Or swimming or other exercise in the water is good too.
I firmly believe that exercise is the key to achieving or maintaining a healthy weight.
Obviously being careful with your eating helps too.
I started walking but built up to jogging as the weight came off.

My heart rate was 40bpm. The nurse did it twice and said I had the heart rate of an Olympic athlete

The nurse was badly informed.

Heart rate can be an indicator of fitness, but is also often genetic. And a heart rate below 50 isn't necessarily a good thing - Brachycardia can cause its own problems.

Low heart rate is genetic in my family. I am super sporty and train hard several times a week, while my mum does no exercise at all. We both have a heart rate of about 48.

Exactly @Kennykenkencat I had a similar experience when I overtook people half my age and far lighter on a Walking challenge round about 90KM in. They were amazed I was still going strong when they were struggling.

^ bradycardia, that should say