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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

678 replies

user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 13:23

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2022 13:26

Not awful at all. I wouldn't stay, either.

FourForYouGlenCocoYouGoGlenCoco · 25/10/2022 13:28

So sorry OP, this sounds really difficult. Was he the same weight when you met him, or has he put on more weight since you’ve been together? When you mention surgery or anything like that to him, and he says it’s not the right time, does he ever say why it’s not the right time? I totally understand it’s a very sensitive issue for you both, and I can imagine it’s not easy to discuss. Wishing you all the best.

FourForYouGlenCocoYouGoGlenCoco · 25/10/2022 13:28

Agree with PP that it wouldn’t be awful to leave him. Can you tell him honestly how you feel?

catinboots123 · 25/10/2022 13:30

Does he work?

Notsoglamanymore · 25/10/2022 13:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I myself am classified as obese although I am still fairly active and definitely not as far alone as your partner it would seem, I have gained more and more weight over the past few years and I do have a binge eating disorder. However I now really recognise that I am finding things more difficult and my weight is starting to impact my health and the things I feel comfortable doing, I have a young son and it fills me with dread to think that I might die early and he will have to grow up without a mum, and all for something that is a fixable issue, so I have made the conscious decision to put him first and have one last bash at weight loss the traditional way and if that’s doesn’t work I’ll go down the lines of surgery as it’s not about me anymore so sticking my head in the sand and being in denial isn’t an option anymore. Your husband should apply the same logic.

AquaticSewingMachine · 25/10/2022 13:33

I couldn't live or coparent with someone who was functionally killing himself, whether it be with alcohol, drugs, overwork, or food. YANBU.

LeningradSymphony · 25/10/2022 13:34

Not awful, and I would struggle to stay with someone who'd got to that point unless they were aware of it and openly working towards losing weight. I see obese friends parent and it impacts them and their kids in many ways. It would be so frustrating to be stuck doing things your partner can't, being held back by things they can't do, having to revolve things around food or being unable to do active things/walk normal distances.

You can leave someone for any reason you want, OP. Nobody is stuck with someone for life if you're unhappy, and it's selfish to actively damage your body so much it starts to affect others when you're in a family.

I read an article in Glamour Magazine a while ago by an obese mum who had realised how selfish she was being in putting excessive food intake over her kids and her chances of being there for them in the future. It's a tough pill to swallow. But it's no different to him breaking his leg on purpose then refusing to get it treated, it's selfish and the selfishness would really put me off as well as the practical issues. There's also the matter of what it's teaching your children.

Original poster
user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 13:35

He weighs 35kg more than when we met, he played football and worked longs hours. He now weighs 105kg and does very limited hours at work.
When we speak about it he says he has a plan to lose weight but he has been saying that for 5 years. I’m not into looks but it has affected our love life.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 25/10/2022 13:36

AquaticSewingMachine · 25/10/2022 13:33

I couldn't live or coparent with someone who was functionally killing himself, whether it be with alcohol, drugs, overwork, or food. YANBU.

This exactly. I would leave to.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 25/10/2022 13:37

How tall is he? Is 105kg that much for a man? I thought you were going to say he was like 25 stone

Original poster
user1471462428 · 25/10/2022 13:37

I think he is scared of surgery but I feel he is now at the stage where there is no other choice.

OP posts:
Snoken · 25/10/2022 13:37

Not at all unreasonable to leave for any reason. He is setting a really bad example to your kids, and they will think it is normal behaviour which it isn't. I couldn't be with somebody who let themselves go like that either, I would feel like they didn't respect me at all and that they are taking me and our relationship for granted. A little effort is needed from both parties in a relationship.

Tezco · 25/10/2022 13:38

How tall is he op? I weigh that much (unfortunately put on 4 stone when my dad died) and I don't struggle that much, I can still fit on rides etc and can be fairly active - I'm 36 weeks pregnant though now and that has restricted my ability to do something's.

I guess everyone's different but it sounds really excessive he can't do all those things.

Celebrityskint · 25/10/2022 13:39

I wouldn’t think at 105kg he would be struggling this much physically! I’m a wee fatty and still manage to fit on fairground rides and participate in family life!

autumn1610 · 25/10/2022 13:39

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 25/10/2022 13:37

How tall is he? Is 105kg that much for a man? I thought you were going to say he was like 25 stone

Yes exactly this. Unless he’s very small it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s not that far above the average weight of a man. I genuinely was expecting about 25+ stone

rocketfromthecrypt · 25/10/2022 13:39

105kg isn't completely obscene OP. How tall is he?

Tarahsh · 25/10/2022 13:39

How tall is he? That's about 16 stone - I thought you were going to say he was 30 stone or something!

Ekátn · 25/10/2022 13:39

How tall is he?

It sounds awful but 105kg is about 16 stone. While it’s not small, I am shocked it’s having such a profound impact on him.

When did the compulsive eating start?

Stellaris22 · 25/10/2022 13:40

105kg and he can't go on rides and struggles? That doesn't sound right.

EmmaH2022 · 25/10/2022 13:40

This post is quite scary

If you scale up in height, I'm similar - maybe? - losing slowly but started at over 13st, 5ft 1.

and run around like a blue arsed fly, and work out. Been doing that at this weight for years.

could something else be wrong with him?

jtaeapa · 25/10/2022 13:40

How tall is he?105kg can't be that much over weight limits. Often weight limits are 18 stone and 105kg is only about 16 and a half stone.

Gatekeeper · 25/10/2022 13:40

16 stone? Are you sure OP?I thought you were going to say 35 stone or something. My husband weighs that and doesnt fit that description in the slightest.

Tarahsh · 25/10/2022 13:40

For context, I'm a 5'3 woman and at the beginning of this year I was 15 stone. Yes I was obese, but absolutely not life threatening - I doubt he would die in his sleep at that weight...

jtaeapa · 25/10/2022 13:41

My h weighs about that (he is very tall though) and can do anythign - running, sports etc?

Theydoyaknow · 25/10/2022 13:41

I remember a man posting the same thing about his wife and how her obesity was hindering family life and he was thinking of leaving her..he got absolutely FLAMED.