Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

It's good for your health.

(Nice drip feed btw)

I’m a similar height (but shorter) and don’t weigh much less. Doesn’t stop us going on family bike rides, swimming, crawling through softplay etc.
Its not good for long term health but it also shouldn’t mean he can’t do anything

It is when he only weighs 105kg at his height ffs! We're not in health consequences territory here, we're in embarrassment territory. Let's be real

Could he be depressed? That can go hand in hand with overeating/ weight gain and can make you absolutely knackered with no motivation. The shame from the weight gain can make it so much worse.

My son was 25 stone
hr has surgery and is now 16.-17 stone with 16.5 being his sweet point
he’s 5ft 11 -6ft
He looks well built - think rugby player build
I can’t believe that unless your husband is small for a bloke say under 5ft 7 that being 16 stone is causing so much problems

Even when my son was at his biggest weight it never interferes with his life that much
He had a full time and part time job

so I can’t see how it’s affecting your DH this much

If OP was a man and wrote EXACTLY what the OP did above, he would be lynched. You should love her no matter what size she is, still the same person on the inside, maybe she is depressed, I am fat and my husband loves me, you are vile to suggest leaving your fat wife etc etc yadda yadda yadda.

Bollocks.

105kg & so big he can't move much?

Echoing another poster to ensure he gets his heart checked out. And a raft of other things too. Sounds like there are other serious health issues here other than being overweight.

I think you are right to be concerned about him op. It is affecting his life and family life and you are right he is disabled. I feel for you both and I would hazard a guess that he is scared and miserable with the situation. He is heading into further health complications that could have devastating effects.
can I recommend the podcast by dr xand and dr Chris the van teller in twins. It is an exploration of xands unhealthy eating and weight and his brothers attempts to get him to do something about his health. It has been eye opening for a lot of people. The other thing that works for weight loss is walking. It is fat burning as opposed to more aerobic exercise. Could he get a fit bit and start to manage steps per day up to 10,000. This alone without any dietary changes seems to have been very effective for a lot of people and if he is not in a place to address the eating or that is too loaded emotionally for him then this could be a very positive and simple and doable first step. Walking is also low impact and good for mental health. I really wish you the best of luck. You and him are sadly not alone in this so many people are struggling with obesity and well done for trying to do something about it.

Unless he has a significant health problem (physical or mental) which is causing him to be so large, then he is being selfish, refusing to take action that will allow him to be a better father and partner (and saving you all the heartache of his inevitable premature demise and caring needs).

• van tulletin not van teller sorry

I was unfit yes but I’m actually pretty flexible in general. Now that I’m a normal weight, I’m flexible enough to do yoga moves I would never have dreamed of!

DH is about 18 stone & never been refused due to weight.

Me too.
I am also 50 and there isn’t much I can’t do.
We play Badminton as a family once or twice a week and go for long walks with the dog.
Of course I can’t do as much as I probably could if I was 10 stone but I’m fine.
If your DH is that unable to do much at that weight (unless he’s 3ft tall) then there must be something else going on

The sleep apnea & pre-diabetic status are of great concern.
Surely with these diagnoses already in place, his stats & wellbeing are being monitored by his GP?

It is understandable @user1471462428 how concerned & frustrated you are. With these conditions, the concern about his weight/ BMI is not the key, it is about getting sleep apnea & blood sugars firmly under control - likely weight loss & increased activity required - to minimise the risk of long term damage.

The biggest cause of disability in the UK is stroke.

GP review a priority. That’s a single step forward that he can make.
He may be reluctant, but he’s an adult & parent so needs to step up.

My other half is 5 ft 8 and 110kg and manages a very physical job and running around after kids no problem. Sometimes naps in the day but that's normally because he's been up from 6pm and lugging heavy items about. He's never been refused to supervise our kids on rides or that either and any excess weight he carries is also on his stomach but it just looks like a bit of a beer belly nothing major. Does he have other health issues that prevent him from helping with the kids?

Interesting. I currently weigh the same as your partner. I can do everything I did before. I’m not exhausted and my days don’t revolve around food. Is your partner 5 ft tall or something? He sounds unwell. I thought you were going to say he was 25 stone or something.

Ableist and vain?!! 🤣😂🤣

I'm a lot heavier than your husband and there are a few things I'm not allowed on but we went to Disney/Universal etc and was able to do all the rides etc I wanted. I also do two exercise classes a week, work full time , parent my kids and walk the dogs. Definitely sounds more than just a weight issue

What other posters are saying OP - he isn't that overweight unless he is lying about his actual weight. and shouldn't be turned away from rides etc. My BMI is the same (although female) and whilst I'm fat, I don't have any issues with rides/going on planes etc etc - I'm a size 18. I was also quite fit at this size (before my disability began - not weight related) doing HIIT sessions three times a week etc etc. It does sound like other underlying issues going on.
In relation to your actual question though, you can leave him for any reason you like. If he is making you miserable, and not helping himself, you don't have to put up with it. He is dragging you down and affecting everyone's quality of life. Have you sat down and discussed the effect its having on the kids and on you? Asked him to have health checks? (I'm not talking about weight loss surgery) It does sound like he needs medical help and if he is not willing to accept it, then I think you do have to give him the ultimatum.

6am not pm 😂

I don’t think he’s heavy enough for surgery, OP. But he does need to change his lifestyle before he gets heavier-and he needs to participate in family life.

What’s changed to make him so obsessed with eating?

@Naunet Considering the OP's DH is in fact only 105kg at almost 6ft - yep! I'd say that's pretty vain love

The normalisation of obesity here is astounding. No it’s not healthy to have a BMI of 37 - the recommended weight for a man his height is 53-72kg, not 110! Of course OP is not unreasonable to be worried about him.

Yes, yes, poor, poor menz, how dare any place on earth ever be female centric or have a slight female bias, aye? Horrifying stuff.

And thank you for displaying your incredible mind reading skills and knowing exactly what we’d all say, you’re truly an amazing person.