Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

oh I’ve read your latest. It’s the diabetes and the sleep apnea rather than just the weight alone. I mean I don’t go on rides because I hate them, it’s not affected my parenting. Sounds like in terms of his diabetes he needs to face up to that. Is he scared?

Maybe start by asking him to tackle the tiredness rather than ascribing that to obesity. It's hard to lose weight when you are knackered. Is he depressed? Or anaemic? Or have sleep apnea?

I do feel that I'd struggle but maybe encourage him more with fitness etc?
Join him with it too :)

I can empathise with you too, my ex was working 13 hours a day and 5 days a week. We had no relationship aside watching tv in evenings and he wouldn't wanna do much on weekends. If we saw family we'd have to make sure the next day is clear for him to rest.

Now I look back and realise he could've done more as towards the end of our relationship he started working 8-4 and would be out til late hours, gym everyday. He had it in him to change and priorise but didn't. That is what kills the marriage off, seeing them change other things and habits but not for you and the family hurts

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor
The op has said her husband's days revolve around eating and sleeping. It sounds as if he is doing no parenting at all.

Disordered eating is very complicated and the comments about selfishness are cruel. Very few people who are morbidly obese actually enjoy food. It's a complex interplay of psychological, physical and societal factors.

Would you leave him if he was anorexic?

Reading your post, you say he has reduced hours at work. Is this because of the weight gain, or has something else happened?

Also, how obese is he? Unless he is 5 foot 7 or shorter he is not over a BMI of 35. While this is clinically obese it shouldn't stop him from doing things. Does he have another underlying condition? Does he have asthma, diabetes and/or sleep apnea? Depression?

How was he as a parent before he gained weight? Did he check out of parenting (e.g. due to depression)?

How are you with him? What are you doing to encourage him to become and stay active?

He's not your responsibility particularly if you are not married, but if you want him to be a good parent to your kids (whether you split up or not), you could chat to him about how he feels, encourage him to see a doctor, praise him for the things he does to become active with the children.

105kg isn't that bad unless he's only 5 feet tall.

Everyone saying ‘that’s not that big’, it depends how he carries it. At 16 stone I couldn’t tie my shoe laces without putting my foot up on a bench, or cross my legs when sitting down and (forgive the TMI) it was an effort to wipe.

You sound delightfully ableist and unpleasant OP, frankly. Not to mention vain!

Really?

My partner weighs similar but is 6ft 4in. Never had a problem going on rides due to weight.

Again, it’s still shouldn’t be impacted him to this point.

He is 16 stone and can't do anything!!
There is no way he should be that bad at that weight. It sounds as if he has an undiagnosed health problem. I thought you were going to say he was about 30 stone.

YABVVVVVVVU to be sharing his weight with random strangers on the internet as well! Wow

Obesity is a horrible condition I have and weigh much more but it sound like he is way more disabled by it than would be expected.

I suspect the sleep apnea or other untreated condition like hypothyroid might be at play here. Even some depression.

Forget going on about his weight and encourage he checks out and treats his health.

I am ideal weight at 82kg.. I am 6ft and a woman. Also disabled. I can't imagine 110kg being so obese they are unable to do anything

This doesnt sound excessive - i did a total warrior course at close to that weight (15 and a half stone and also 5'7). I agree there must be more going on here.

It not ableist to not want your husband to have a BMI of 38.

People's idea of a healthy weight is dangerously skewed.

I don't understand all the people saying "it's not that much" when you state what he weighs.

My DH is 100kg and a tad under 6 feet. He carries is ALL on his stomach although it is creeping along to his back now.

He is in the obese category when he does his BMI.

It effects him loads - he is constantly in pain due to a herniated disc which would get better if he lost some of the weight and stopped putting all that strain on his back.

He also can't get onto some rides with the grandchildren because he can't get the bar to close over his stomach.

He is out of breath climbing the stairs.

He snores loads and this disturbs his sleep - he was 12 stone when I met him and didn't snore at all.

He's still good at doing stuff but it is definitely having an impact on his lifestyle and our relationship.

I really love him and have no intention of leaving him but it would be way better if he lost at least half of the four stone weight gain since we met. It would just make his life better - for him.

I too am terrified that he is going to have a stroke or something....

... but anybody who knows us is the same as everyone on here - "he's not that big".

I can't get mine to do anything about the weight - he seems to think he can out-excercise his bad diet but I don't think that's true. He won't lose weight until he wants to I suppose.

I just wish it was different and I emphasise OP.

I weigh close to 100kg and run 5km several times a week, do yoga, can move perfectly well - yes I'm overweight (and working on it), but it doesn't impact my life in any real way, and I suspect your partner is probably a fair bit taller than me. Certainly not 'classed as a disability' weight! So I'm not sure on that description or, rather, why he's so hindered by it?

That aside, however, if he isn't parenting and his illnesses (including disordered eating, which it very much sounds like) are impacting your relationship and life, then you're well within your rights to say so to him and take action if he doesn't make changes. You need a partner who's working towards being equal to you in terms of what they give to the relationship and as a co-parent, his weight is (mostly) irrelevant in that.

That is about fitness and flexibility. If you are lighter you may be able to get away more with being very unfit. At 16 stone if you can't put your foot up on a bench or wipe yourself you are incredibly unfit and inflexible. I know women this weight who play sport at an amateur level.

Yes, but MN isn't a hive mind, so it's hard to talk about double standards unless you're speaking about a specific poster who has changed their tune when the sexes were reversed.

It would be okay to leave either way, for all of the stated reasons.

YABVVVVVVVU to be sharing his weight with random strangers on the internet as well! Wow

An anonymous person shares other anonymous person's weigh on a website SHOCK HORROR

105 kg at 173 cm is A LOT, definitely classed as obese.

I have a BMI of just under 20 and I don't go on rides. I get motion sick on them. I'll go on inflatables because I swim better than DH but I don't like them either. I don't think the issue is just rides and inflatables but being active.

He needs to see a doctor. At 5 7 and 16 stone there's no way he should be suffering anywhere close to what you describe.

DH is 100kg and ran the London Marathon the other week.
Is his weight definitely right?
Does he have another illness?
Is he being dishonest?

Just seen your update. Sleep apnea will cause a vicious cycle of weight gain. It's very very difficult to lose weight if you don't get sufficient sleep (something to do with the hormones released during normal sleep, as well as tiredness affecting willpower and the ability/will to exercise). Try focussing on him getting some help for this.