Parenting with an obese partner - exhausted

[user1471462428]

I know I’m going to get flamed but AIBU for finding it hard to co parent with a obese person. He can’t go on rides or inflatables as he is over the weight limit. He can’t play football/netball with our kids as he is breathless and has no energy. His days are oriented round food and when he can next sleep (he struggles exhaustion I guess due to moving around with his weight). I’m so tired of being the active parent and feeling like I’m dragging him about. I’ve talked to him about diet/bariatric surgery but he is not ready for this. Im sometimes scared he’ll die in sleep and the kids will find him.
I do recognise he is now at the stage where he is essentially disabled but I’m just so fucking tired of him. I do recognise he is ill and the obsessive eating is a compulsion but I’m running out of sympathy with it. Is awful to leave him?

And he got refused on rides a local fairground for weighing too much

My wind-up thread senses are tingling.

He’s 5’7 and 17 stone, and you mean shallow, not vain.

You are dead right there! Female bias at it's finest, ok for me to be grossly overweight...but my OH or anyone else's OH...No WAY Jose!

You don't need any excuse or permission to leave a relationship. If things are as you describe, with you essentially doing all the parenting while he rests, then I can see why you want to split.

Also, it is for him to get himself to the doc, start a fitness routine, etc. You can't do it for him.

You seem nice.

Well thank god male bias doesn’t exist just about everywhere else…oh, wait!

Well you obviously can't read and made this about you, when your situation is completely different.How is eating and sleeping the whole day the same as what you're doing? But make it all about you why don't you.

This is bizarre. DB was 220kg and still took his daughter to the park, swimming etc. It was being banned from rides that prompted his life changing diet (lost 140kg in 18 months through dirt and exercise, rid himself of type 2 diabetes and is like an entirely new person). There are 3 things going on here OP:

1. He gained weight and is obsessed with food
2. He is lazy and opting out of family life
3. You have the ick caused by his behviour.

He sounds very selfish.

Your husband is not going to have a stroke at 100kg at 6ft ffs! 🙄🙄🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ Just because he has a bit of a belly. Don't dress up fat shaming as 'I'm concerned for his health'

This is completely untrue. Being overweight/obese increases the risks of having hypertension/high cholesterol/diabetes, all of which increase the risk of stroke.

Was he always like this? TBH I wouldn't stay - but if he was obese when you met and this isn't a relatively new thing that seems harsh.

I dunno.

It's not normal and not healthy, but it is also unlikely to have the impact of making him "essentially disabled". That's quite extreme and may be closer to being a relfection of a general lack of fitness rather than specifically weight caused.

It may also be a sign of something else going on with his health for which the weight is a symptom, not a cause. Heart failure, for eg. If that is ignored, in preference of a focus on weight loss, it could have very serious consequences.

OP is not unreasonable for finding it hard to do any of the active parenting herself but I wonder if the weight is causing a blind spot to what else might be going on with her DH health.

Not saying it doesn't but it works both ways. You KNOW that if a man had written this the pitchforks would be out. Same old same old drivel, you have to love fat...if it is on a female but God Forbid a man is overwight....oh no, I couldn't live with that...LTB.

I'm 18st3 and around 5'11 .there is no activity I cant do. Unless theres a weight limit.

I'm definitely overweight, nd I need yo do something about it but I dont think I look that fat. Maybe in my work uniform. But normal clothes nope.

Sounds like hes just lazy

This doesn’t ring true, something is off here. At that weight he should still be quite active. I’m obese, I weigh more than that and I’m 5’4” and I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t affect me but I’m nowhere near the state you say your husband is.

Does he work?

And what the heck is your food budget?

Does he cook for the family? Shared or you?

who does the grocery shop?

You’re assuming the same posters would have a different opinion - can you prove it, or is it just how you’ve judged these posters for some reason? Is there a reason why you feel the need to turn this thread into a Poor Menz support group? Do you think men do the same thing on male centric forms on behalf of women?

I'd suggest you try and get him to a therapist. Sounds like some mental health assistance might ne needed in order for him to make the change. He might not even know it.

Maybe he's fat because he's disabled, nobody has considered that? There are plenty of conditions that can cause weight gain, and make people feel pretty shit.

No it must be the other way round, because fat people are bad.

Maybe his weight could be mental health related? Especially with binge eating it signals an unhealthy relationship with food. In that case simply dieting and exercise won't work. It's something deeper and he should see a therapist. If he's a great person stick by him he's not killing himself willingly there's something more going on.

He’s disabled because he is fat

It is clear from the OP

I have been the obese partner and have now had bariatric surgery and have lost 50kgs and realise how much of a bystander I was before in family life. I didn’t do anything active and my kids suffered.

Weight loss surgery isn’t for everyone but I needed it to be a better partner and parent.

I realise how much my partner did before and feel so bad. Though I think being obese is extremely difficult (the compulsion to overeat was overwhelming and all encompassing) and he isn’t being intentionally selfish

MN IS the perfect place to complain about your fat husband if you want a reaction...