It’s a Christmas one!

[Puddinggulper]

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

• ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
• DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
• My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

You can’t keep everyone happy. Just do what you want to do and not what you feel obligated to do.

Things change when you have a child and they have to accept that.

I would just say that from this year you'll stay at yours and people are welcome to visit.

No point tying yourself in knots trying to please everyone and end up unhappy yourself.

If I were you, I would start a new tradition of staying at home, just say you are a family now and will be doing that from now on.

If not, then it is ILs turn, sorry x

This is what we do. We just tell everyone that we are staying at home and people are more than welcome to come and visit us if they want.

Just stick with the turns, so go to your inlaws.

Your parents being 'devastated' is too weird pander to.

I think your parents are unreasonable to be 'devastated' to not spend Christmas Day with your baby (it's one day!) and to be so stuck in their ways that they can't be flexible (for one day....).

Time to think about what you and your husband want with your child(ren). Try to shift the focus from the whole one day into a series of events eg maybe your folks could develop a panto/Christmas outing tradition with your child(ren).

FWIW we had a three year cycle - at home, his parents, my parents.

Thanks for the replies so far. I think the trouble with is with DHs siblings and our nieces and nephews all living abroad, we only get to see them once, sometimes twice a year. And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

Christmas morning and brunch at yours and invite your parents. Then go for lunch and Christmas afternoon at inlaws.

Then invite everyone on boxing day for an easy snack buffet lunch.

I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Are they jealous little 5 year olds or something?

This sort of attitude from grown women and men is ridiculous and utterly selfish. We're talking about a baby here. A baby who doesn't know what day of the week it is, let alone the occasion.

It's your inlaws turn so stick with that and if your 'devestated' parents kick off, tell them to pop round to yours on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

If it's that rare that all the family are together I think you should spend the day with your inlaws. Could your parents pop round in the morning to give presents? Not that your 1 year old will have a clue what's going on but it seems fair on your parents that way.

I agree with others. Stop feeling guilty and trying to please everyone except yourself. They have had their time with little dc at Christmas, now it's your turn. If you are close by say something like we'll be available at 11.30am/ 2pm or whatever. People can't split themselves in half to include everyone.
We had a couple of years of being bullied into going to family for Christmas morning which made our Christmas morning really rushed. There were actual tears and exclaims of ruined Christmas's but they got used to it. Our elderly relatives can be a bit childish when they don't get their own way.You have to be firm.

We stay home and invite everyone to us with no pressure.

We've moved away this year (1 hours travel) so we're not expecting my parents to visit but DP's are coming to stay with us which will be lovely.

If mine don't come we'll just see them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Christmas Day is for stopping at home, Boxing Day is for visiting

Just go (or stay) where you want.

If you start the alternating you'll set expectations and be stuck doing it indefinitely.

I'm ILs are coming from abroad presumably they're going to be around for more than one day so make plans and see them before or after Christmas Day.

I think now is the time to start staying at home. Could you not plan to see the family from abroad another day like boxing day?

Could you ask your in laws if they would be willing to have your DP over?

That's what we did.

Would you have room/want to have your parents over to stay on Christmas Eve?
That way they can see GC in the morning and you can all have breakfast together then go to your IL's as planned.

This combined with the fact that it's ILs turn means you should stick to that and go to ILs.

Then it's your parents turn next year no question.

Have another Xmas day with your parents on Xmas eve or Boxing Day. Little one will have literally no idea anyway so won't care.

If you stick to turns your parents will get the Xmas little one is almost 4 which is the first time they really understand it all

Could you do xmas eve with one, Boxing Day with one, and xmas day at home? (Or at least this in future when dc is a bit bigger).

or have your parents come over/go to theirs for breakfast and presents then go to in laws.

Otherwise, it’s in laws turn, and anyway, next year will be more fun anyway when dc is a little more aware of what xmas and presents are (well, slightly at least).

It’s so tricky isn’t it. I’m definitely of the opinion that Christmas Day is for stopping at home but I know some people are of the opinion that Christmas Day is for family. Family welcome to visit on Christmas Day but the ILs house definitely has more room for seating which will mean that’s always the ‘hub’ and us staying at home makes us look unsociable. But when LO understands more I know I won’t care as their happiness is the most important thing above anyone else’s.

Honestly do Xmas eve with your parents - you can even do a proper 'Xmas day' set up with them.

If they are shy are they really going to mind stopping at home on Xmas day, having just spent the day with you all the day before??

The OP literally says

My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

By putting your parents feelings first is going to set the tone to the other grandparents and that isn't fair , your parents need to have a word with themselves if they will feel devastated! Either stay home on Christmas they can visit then start a fresh the next year. Or go to inlaws as planned.

This is a great idea. Or do the same for boxing day. Or split xmas day in half. Its hard work though I do understand x

If you don't want to invite people to yours, I'd stick with turn taking and it's your ILs turn.

Go to you parents on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and do presents etc then. You can have just as much of a celebration the day before. Trying to split Christmas Day itself sounds like a faff.