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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a Christmas one!

135 replies

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:17

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

  • ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
  • DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
  • My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 24/10/2022 14:34

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:50

Thanks all. I do like the idea of a ‘Christmas’ with DPs on Christmas Eve and them coming round for breakfast before we do the rest of Christmas Day with ILs.

If your parents are funny about it I'd just say - technically its ILs year so we're trying to be fair - and all DHs family re over so we want to see them all together as well as spend time with you.

Basically we have tried to have my kids with some of their cousins you wherever possible on Xmas day. So depends who is doing what as to where we go. We often host at ours as i'd rather cook and others would rather travel. So its worked well.

The children are now growing up - so that will probably change again but their social lives and what their boyfriends/girlfriends are doing is also becoming a consideration.

TheOrigRights · 24/10/2022 14:37

I'd be setting the scene for the future right now (while your baby is so small) and not tying yourself in emotional knots trying to please adults who would be devastated by not seeing their grandchild on the 25th. I presume at your wedding your DP's were happy to welcome your DH into the family.
Along with that comes an acceptance that their DD (you) have another family.
That should be a happy thing, not something to get jealous or feel insecure about.
Your baby has 2 sets of grandparents who want to see her.

I'd knock the every other year thing on the head now.

Holidayhomehell · 24/10/2022 14:47

We host and have for quite a few years.

I now very sadly don’t have this issue as my mum passed away last year, but I still like to spend time with my sister.

Our families come together - everyone welcome for some of all of the day.

My children are now 12 and 8. This year the in laws offered to host, however, DC want to stay at home, and I would need to cook at in laws house anyway, so we will stay at home and invite everyone who wants to come.

It is so much easier (apart from the cleaning and prep!)

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/10/2022 14:52

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:25

Thanks for the replies so far. I think the trouble with is with DHs siblings and our nieces and nephews all living abroad, we only get to see them once, sometimes twice a year. And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

Can't you go on Boxing Day?

I should think your parents could suck it up and combine celebrations under the circumstances.

Rosesandstars · 24/10/2022 14:53

Maybe you should just do Christmas day at your house and see your DP on Christmas Eve and your in-laws on Boxing day.

Laiste · 24/10/2022 14:53

Once i had kids of my own i swore i'd never leave the house on xmas day again and i've stuck to it!

Before that we'd do the rounds or do alternate houses and i'm so glad not to have to do that again. They come to us or they don't see us.

I'm happy to do visits on following days.

Cactusprick · 24/10/2022 14:54

Why the bloody hell am I not doing your last suggestion and staying at home?! It makes perfect sense, and like you say OP, that’s what I did every Christmas when growing up.
Next year I’m doing that!

Cactusprick · 24/10/2022 14:56

Laiste · 24/10/2022 14:53

Once i had kids of my own i swore i'd never leave the house on xmas day again and i've stuck to it!

Before that we'd do the rounds or do alternate houses and i'm so glad not to have to do that again. They come to us or they don't see us.

I'm happy to do visits on following days.

I feel so ridiculously stupid right now. I’ve made plans this year to go to my parent’s house, but fuck this next year - we’re staying home! Sounds bloody lovely.

Algor1thm · 24/10/2022 14:56

We split the day every year. I think if you can make that work with distance it's a nice way to do it. It does make for a slightly hectic day, but that's what Christmas is all about isn't it? 😂 My parents and in laws definitely appreciate the effort.

surreygirl1987 · 24/10/2022 14:56

This is ridiculous. You are definitely overthinking it.

bewarethetides · 24/10/2022 14:57

Stripyhoglets1 · 24/10/2022 12:31

Christmas morning and brunch at yours and invite your parents. Then go for lunch and Christmas afternoon at inlaws.

Then invite everyone on boxing day for an easy snack buffet lunch.

Nailed it!

OP, this would work and set the tone for doing Christmas mornings in your own home with your family going forward.

Inertia · 24/10/2022 15:00

Woukd your parents come to you for Christmas Eve if there are no other siblings to consider? Big celebratory meal, they stay overnight, open presents with you and the baby, nice relaxed breakfast. It means you wouldn’t have 2 lots of travelling, because jumping the baby stuff around is a pain.

Then you go to ILs for lunch and Christmas afternoon/ evening, second round of presents.

Waitingfordecember · 24/10/2022 15:03

Usually I’d say invite everyone to yours and if people turn down the invitation, that’s their decision. But, if it’s really unusual for DH’s siblings to all be in the same country for Christmas, it seems really mean not to spend it with them.

In your shoes I’d invite your parents round for presents and a light breakfast and go to in-laws for lunch.

almondflake · 24/10/2022 15:03

When we had children we made the decision to stay at home for Christmas inviting everyone to us if the wanted to come ,some years we had all the in-laws other years we had none . It worked well for us .
Now there's only my mum and stepmum all the other in-laws and parents are gone we seem to reminisce about Christmas past . We still have a lovely day with the children, their partners and our grandchildren .
Make Christmas yours, do what's best for you and have a happy one 😊

Fiddledeedeeee · 24/10/2022 15:08

I would (and have) start by spending Christmas at home as the default position. If situations arise such as the rare occasion the extended family are in the same place at the same time, then you could have odd years where you do something outside of that default.

We usually have a version of Christmas or some sort of celebration with both sides of the family around the period (either Christmas Eve of the few days after Christmas) and everyone seems to have accepted it well.

TheDuck2018 · 24/10/2022 15:13

Pretty sure that once ops parents are settled in her house they won't want to shift, and I don't think op will insist.
It's the in-laws turn this year, so you should go there, it's only fair, especially as the rest of the family will be there. If I was your dh, I'd be really disappointed you were thinking otherwise.

theremustonlybeone · 24/10/2022 15:18

Do it in your own home. Once I had children i put my foot down.

You will find your DC will be aware of xmas younger than 4. it is lovely creating memories and traditions in your own homw.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/10/2022 15:19

I never understand this obsession of wanting to spend Christmas Day in your own home just with your own “little family”…battening down the hatches…and staying in pj’s all day.

It’s seen as bliss to most on here!

but

its so boring and anti social !

Solmum1964 · 24/10/2022 15:20

TempName01 · 24/10/2022 12:37

Christmas Day is for stopping at home, Boxing Day is for visiting

I agree with this - although in-laws were some distance away so involved a few days away. Therefore cats had to go to the cattery which wasn't open Christmas Day or Boxing Day. We, therefore, had both days at home and went to them on 27th for a second Christmas. DH's work was shut between Christmas and New Year so always able to do this and we enjoyed a more relaxed Christmas at home.
Be careful what traditions you start now - your child(ren) won't want to be dragged away from their new toys as they get older.
Also, thinking about a different post, manage expectations. Santa filled the (pillowcase sized) stockings with little bits (annuals, selection box, drawing pad/crayons, socks!, small game. We found it cheaper to fill a small sack rather than a traditional stocking.); bigger presents were from other people, and labelled, because my children were expected to write thank you letters to people they didn't see in person.

Mrsjayy · 24/10/2022 15:21

TheDuck2018 · 24/10/2022 15:13

Pretty sure that once ops parents are settled in her house they won't want to shift, and I don't think op will insist.
It's the in-laws turn this year, so you should go there, it's only fair, especially as the rest of the family will be there. If I was your dh, I'd be really disappointed you were thinking otherwise.

This imagine if your husband insisted his mum would be devastated not to see the baby so you must go!

AxolotlEars · 24/10/2022 15:26

Time for new traditions. We made it a tradition that we hadn't got one! It was my husband who was fairly fixed on this as he had seen his parents haring around the country every Christmas.
I would personally, this year, try to make it to your husband's family at some point if they are all going to be present even if that did mean Christmas day.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 24/10/2022 15:27

I am a MiL and have GC.

I do not see my DC and GC every single Christmas. I accept that they have ILs and that they also want to see my DC and our shared GC at Christmas too. So I see DC / GC alternate Christmases. The year DC are going to the ILs, we arrange to meet up a weekend in December and celebrate our Christmas then. This means that GC get to see both sets of grandparents at Christmas and it works well.

I would really hate to think my DC were in the same dilemma as you are now...

Refrosty · 24/10/2022 15:27

I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere.

You are forgetting that the experience of Christmas for your child could actually be much more fun with cousins/family around. My DC would not enjoy their day as much if it were just us/always at home. It would be boring tbh, they like a noisy house with loads of food and fun. I have a large family and so does DH. My DC get much more presents than their cousins on both sides, so we always opt to open gifts from the family we aren't visiting alone, at home. We then carry the gifts from the ones we are visiting with us/ or open them when family have arrived at ours. That way, they can say thanks yous etc in person.

Soubriquet · 24/10/2022 15:28

Have Christmas at yours and have everyone come round there.

Milesty1 · 24/10/2022 15:30

It’s your IL’s turn, so I would do dinner with them. Plus there will be other relatives. I’d extend the invite again to your parents but if they say no, then they can pop in on Xmas morning for a mince pie and some presents before you leave.