It’s a Christmas one!

[Puddinggulper]

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

• ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
• DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
• My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

Why ask for advice and then ignore all the helpful and useful suggestions?

Just stay at home and say everyone is welcome to visit, but you're not catering for everyone for a sit-down meal.

And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

Tough shit. Why should you have to stuff your baby (and nappies and clothes and presents and everything else) in the car for an 80-min round trip when they can just come to you instead?

Christmas with the in-laws - I couldn't go against my DH seeing all his siblings together when it's such a rare occasion.

Boxing Day with your parents or next year with your parents.

Why don't you have your parents over on Christmas Eve, to stay (if there's room). You can then divide the day between being with your parents at home, and going over to visit the in-laws.

This is assuming your parents and in-laws don't live close by each other.

I have EXACTLY the same issue this year!

I’ve stayed firm and said we rotate every year, it has to be the same this year. Otherwise who gets next year? You’ll be splitting the day in half every year and it becomes a drag. We spend Boxing Day with one side and Christmas Day with the other side (Christmas Eve is ours!). Then rotate each year! This year will be the same. And if anyone argues… it’s a well established precedent so they’d be unreasonable and I’d tell them such.

the real trouble will be when she’s 4YO and we plan to spend Christmas at home from then onwards 🫣🫣

I would invite your parents to your house for presents and brunch then head to in laws for Christmas dinner mid afternoon assuming that timing fits your family's traditions

I think you should be going to ILs this year. It's their turn and family are visiting. Your parents can work round that by visiting for breakfast etc.

FWIW mine are 3 and 6 and would much rather go to my parents or ILs than stay at home. I think it would be antisocial not to travel 40 mins when they have come from abroad. Plus to me the travel is less effort than hosting and you can leave when you want!

Every single point in your OP points to spending Christmas with the ILs. It's the fairest, most practical and the one that makes the most sense.

Your parents are going to have to get used to the fact that they won't see your DC every single Christmas, and it would be selfish and unreasonable of them if they insisted. Did you spend every Christmas with both sets of grandparents as a child? For the vast majority of people it wouldn't even be possible. They'll see your DC next year anyway when your baby will be old enough to start understanding what's going on so it'll be more fun anyway.

Most people who have family living close by spend Boxing Day visiting the family they couldn't see on Christmas Day, so you could easily do that with your DPs this year.

And as for the future, I'm totally with you on enjoying Christmas in your own home. You could start a new routine of inviting each set off parents to yours (both or alternating, depending on the space you've got) and if they come they come and if they want to spend it with siblings instead then that's fine, you can see them on Christmas Eve or boxing day. Or you could alternate with Christmas at yours one year and Christmas at your DP's or IL's the next.

But you might as well get thoughts of pleasing everyone and having big family Christmases with absolutely everyone out of your head now, because the more grandchildren there are, the harder it will be to coordinate everyone, so you might as well just do what suits you.

@YellowTreeHouse nailed it in the first response, @Puddinggulper.

Our eldest daughter and his wife had their first baby this year - in previous years they have either come to us or gone to her parents, but this year they are having Christmas at their house, as their own little family. We will miss them - and I’m sure her parents will too - but we are all supporting them, because it’s what is right for them.

In my opinion, part of having grown up children is accepting that they will have lives that take priority for them, over the family they grew up in. We wouldn’t have dreamt of making a fuss when ds1 went to his wife’s parents for Christmas. We know that things can’t stay the same, and it’s our job as parents to let our kids go.

I think it is a pretty significant point that the whole of your DH's family is together and as this is such a rare occurrence then I think it would be right to make the effort to see them.

Is Christmas Day the only day they will all be in the same place or- if they are all staying with PIL- could you still see them on Xmas eve or Boxing Day instead?

In an ideal world, see one family on Xmas eve and one on Boxing Day and relax at home on Xmas day. If however Xmas day is the only day for DH to see all his family together then it would be a real shame and quite unfair on him not to take that opportunity. Your parents can see you the day before or after or you can ask if they can be invited to PIL's. You say that they wouldn't come but then that's their choice to be rigid and decline the offer.

I was going to suggest sticking with the plan, then your parents get the more fun 2 yr old on xnas day next year. Your Christmas eve/morning solution is a good one.

In our house (we have a 5 year old) -

Christmas Eve - go out for an early dinner with my Dad/Step-Mum
Christmas Day - my Mum comes to us
Boxing Day - we travel 3 hours to my IL's and stay for 2-3 nights

Are they going to be at in-laws on Boxing Day? If so have christmas at home and go to them on Boxing Day . We used to have Christmas morning and dinner at home and go to parents for tea.

The way I saw it when the DC were small was that Christmas was just a made up date, tacked onto the pagan winter festivities and months away from when any supposedly special child was born. Which meant that it was no more logical to faff about with family arrangements towards the end of December than at any other time of year. We used to have our "Christmas" with my family sometime in August. Far less pressure, better weather for driving halfway across the country and far less chance of having to be stuck indoors due to cold or wet weather.

Could you start something like that?

I'd go to the ILs (assuming I wanted to, and it sounds like you do).

I'd invite my parents if the ILs didn't mind, regardless of whether my parents would refuse. If they want to see GC on Christmas day so much (and they must know its an IL year), they need to be flexible.

Assuming they refuse, I'd visit them on Boxing Day and do gifts with them then. Tbh my baby got such a ridiculous number of gifts from relatives that spreading them over two days was a good thing.

I would do

you parents come to you on christmas eve - in some ways xmas eve is more magical with the putting stuff out for santa, new pjs, tracking santa and watching a xmas film etc.

Then just your little family on xmas morning to open santa presents etc.

Then go to in-laws for xmas dinner and family time.

Then next year alternate. or you could do one for xmas day and one for boxing day.

We were quite crafty and never got tied into a strict rota for xmas, some years with my family (no longer see my mum so just my sister and family) some years DH family, some times his dad, sometimes his mum, sometimes we got to stay with them, sometimes they come stay with us, sometimes it is just us or we have gone to a friends family once too.

This way no-one has any expectations and we can just do what suits us or what fits around other people best etc.

This is lovely, rather than a hurried three or four hours on Christmas Day, five or six on Christmas Eve - then they're getting a bigger slice of the angel. Looks like a win-win to me.

Either you start at home now and make that the rule every year going forward or you carry on with turns. There is no way to make every one happy, it’s not possible and in trying to do so you will be unhappy. So do what works for you. Either stay at home or go to the in laws as it’s their turn. There is Christmas Eve and Boxing Day to see your parents.

My son had his first xmas last year, it was the IL turn for us. We went to theirs for the day and then had Xmas with my parents on New Year’s Day instead.

You just need to explain to your parents that just because there’s now a baby involved, it doesn’t mean you must change your plans to prevent upsetting them. There are plenty of days over Christmas that they could choose from to have their own Xmas day with you, and next year they will get actual Christmas Day with you all, at which point, baby will probably enjoy and understand it a little more anyway.

My little one is 18 months now and he will 100% enjoy Christmas more this year than last, although he was a little younger at Christmas than your baby will be this year. He had absolutely no interest in presents etc last year 😂

Could you spend Christmas Eve with your parents? Maybe let them give presents on that day? Or Boxing Day?

I haven’t RTFT so it might have already been suggested but how about your parents stay over Xmas Eve and watch DC open presents and then you visit your IL’s midday?

We spent Christmas Eve at my im laws and had Christmas morning there then went to my parents for Christmas dinner...

Was great!

Now the kids are older and my parents live in the same city as us we go to my mams then travel down to the in laws for Boxing Day.

Honestly don’t stay at your mum, you’ll start a precedent, and you’ll want to be at home making your own traditions. Maybe they could stay at yours Christmas Eve.

When we were children we saw one set of Grandparents on Christmas Eve and the other on Boxing Day. Christmas Day was spent just as us, no visitors and we rushed home after church as we had presents to play with.

As adults we have to work around a family member's work commitments as they have a job that gets incredibly busy at Christmas. We spend Christmas morning at home opening presents. We then travel 50 minutes to my sister's house where all my family are and arrive at midday. We have Christmas lunch there, open presents afterwards. Then around 4pm we move onto IL's for nibblles as too full from Christmas lunch, open presents and we stay till about 8pm. Luckily we are all from the same town but we are the ones who don't live locally now.

Boxing day is ours alone, we stay in our pyjamas. That way we see both sets of family on Christmas day itself and have done since the children were born and are now mid-late teens. It is just normal for them. Again my family member only gets 2 days off over Christmas and wants to see the other side of their family.

Start as you mean to go on, do what you want to do, establish your own traditions, maybe just spread Christmas over several days rather than everyone concentrating on one day. We see everyone on Christmas day but we also then have family here between Christmas and New Year.

There is no way to make everyone happy, so you need to find which way is acceptable for you.
The problem with taking turns is it sets a precedent. Some then want to stick to it rigidly - but what happens then if you have an ill family member, it's their last Christmas but your turn is with the other side?

In your position, figure out what you and your DH think will be ok for your DC. Two days of "Christmas" too much? Space it out. DC won't know. Either the 24th or 26th with your DP's? Or breakfast on 25th and promise New Year's Day. Or the closest Sunday (haven't looked at calendar, won't know when it is!)?

Don't forget to plan some time for just you, your DH and your DC.

OP has already said that her parents would find that difficult