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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a Christmas one!

135 replies

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:17

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

  • ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
  • DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
  • My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 24/10/2022 12:48

In laws to see relatives from abroad would be more reason to switch to in laws than babys first christmas in my opinion.

Dinner with inlaws as their turn. And invite your parents for brunch. Seeing grandchild is what is special to them, dinner for a one year old is not the important part.

TidyDancer · 24/10/2022 12:49

What time are you planning on going to ILs? Surely the obvious solution is to have your parents over in the morning for a nice breakfast and present opening and then head to ILs late morning/midday ish. There's no reason anyone has to miss out. In future years you can start saying you want to stay at home and people are welcome to pop round.

Original poster
Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:50

Thanks all. I do like the idea of a ‘Christmas’ with DPs on Christmas Eve and them coming round for breakfast before we do the rest of Christmas Day with ILs.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 24/10/2022 12:50

In your shoes I’d do Christmas Eve with your parents and Christmas Day with your in laws.

Id also be clear that next year you’ll be doing the opposite, then after going forward that you’ll do Christmas Day at home with anyone invited to join you so that your DC is home with their toys.

maddiemookins16mum · 24/10/2022 12:51

Don’t wait until your wain is 4. Start now.

Mum, Dad, come to us for Christmas dinner - we’re eating at 3pm, baby will have had their nap so will enjoy her first Christmas dinner with you.

MIL/FIL - come to us for Christmas breakfast, you can see her opening presents.

Next year, swap.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/10/2022 12:54

I won't tell you what to do but I will warn you to be careful of getting into a rota you might wish you could get out of one day.

chargeback · 24/10/2022 12:54

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old

And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

You are being so PFB and rigid, OP. So you want to be hosted for first 3 years of baby's life but then after that you want to be at home?

Just stay at home from this year on.

B93 · 24/10/2022 12:54

When our daughter was born we decided that we weren’t doing the ‘rounds’ on Christmas Day anymore. Both our parents have split and remarried and have numerous siblings and nieces and nephews.

We make it quite clear that anyone is welcome to visit us on Christmas Day. But we want to spend the day with our daughter, playing with games, building toys, eating good food and not having to time visiting everyone. We don’t mind having people over for lunch but it’s a team effort. Not one person is stuck in the kitchen all day. In the evening we have food out for us and anyone that visits too.

This works perfectly for us. We love Christmas 🎄

MassiveSalad22 · 24/10/2022 12:55

And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

If they’re allowed to make it clear they think it’s a ‘slap in the face’, then you’re allowed to make it clear you think it’s a ‘slap in the face’ that they can’t be bothered to travel 40 mins to yours.

I’d be staying home. You’re the ones with little kids, why should you have to drag them around!

ShirleyPhallus · 24/10/2022 12:58

I really cant believe that grown adults behave like spoilt little children that they don’t get exactly their way on Christmas Day, or even that they care enough to be “devastated” not to see a baby open presents

Really really odd

JustOrderADoor · 24/10/2022 12:59

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:25

Thanks for the replies so far. I think the trouble with is with DHs siblings and our nieces and nephews all living abroad, we only get to see them once, sometimes twice a year. And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

Well presumably they'll be here for more than one day?

but I think you should stick to the usual plan & especially as all as DH's family will be together.

A very young baby is not going to be any different on Christmas Day as Boxing Day. Have Christmas (2) with your parents Boxing Day & next year, it'll be your parents 'turn' when your 'baby' is a toddler & will be loads of fun!

id also announce any future changes this year, talk to DH, decide what you want going forward. Maybe you'd like to have the next Christmas at home & have a 3 year rota. You could just do away with the Rita & decide each year, but tbh the rota does work well most of the time. .

JustOrderADoor · 24/10/2022 13:00

@Puddinggulper there is a Christmas Topic, you could ask MNHQ to move your thread there.

JustOrderADoor · 24/10/2022 13:03

MassiveSalad22 · 24/10/2022 12:55

And saying we’re staying at home when they’re all just a 40 min drive away for once would be a bit of a slap in the face and would not go down well!

If they’re allowed to make it clear they think it’s a ‘slap in the face’, then you’re allowed to make it clear you think it’s a ‘slap in the face’ that they can’t be bothered to travel 40 mins to yours.

I’d be staying home. You’re the ones with little kids, why should you have to drag them around!

They have travelled from
overseas to have a family Christmas.

DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together

I don't think OP, DH & baby going 40 minutes for this planned event is a big deal. I actually think it would be very mean not to go.

BeeDavis · 24/10/2022 13:05

If it was your parents’ turn this year would you be considering changing the rules to involve IL’s? Probably not.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 24/10/2022 13:05

We're in a very similar situation, last year was our sons first Christmas. Again, in laws have other GC but our son is the first GC for my parents. I ran myself ragged doing all the rounds, we spent all day getting in and out of cars, had no time With our son on our own, he missed all his naps and was a nightmare come tea time. He was out his routine for days and we had no time as family of three from Xmas Eve to the 27th. We've decided to do some quick visits in the morning so everyone can see out son (an hour each at granny and grandads and an hour at nanas) and then home to spend time together. Actually really looking forward to it now we've told everyone what we're doing and looking forward to choosing our own food and watching our son play with presents. I'm 33 and this will be the first Xmas I've not spent with my parents- expected my mum to be really upset but she was great so hopefully you have the same reactions from your family

Hunkydory99 · 24/10/2022 13:06

We alternate years. Whoever doesn’t see us on Christmas Day sees us Boxing Day. My family usually save Christmas for Boxing Day on the year they don’t see us on the day itself. Last year they went for a curry on Christmas Day and went on and on about how brilliant it was!

TiaraBoo · 24/10/2022 13:07

I like the idea of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with your parents and seeing the extended in-laws on Christmas Day.

Then next year decide what you think is doable (eg you might be pregnant and not want to host or you might want to host). Throw in “maybe next year we’ll do xxxx” where you say you’re thinking off going away or going to the pub instead so it’s clear there’s no definite rota.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 24/10/2022 13:08

@YellowTreeHouse This OP.
Take it from me you can't please everyone so do what is best for your family and don't be let people make you feel guilty.

Bytrgrewd · 24/10/2022 13:08

For our dc’s first Christmas we felt like this so we did two Christmas dinners on Christmas Day. Don’t do this 🤣

TenoringBehind · 24/10/2022 13:08

Time to start your own traditions and way of doing things, otherwise you will be stuck in this cycle for the next 20 odd years.

xmas eve with one lot, boxing day with the other, do your own thing on Christmas Day.

Any adult who is ‘devastated’ at not getting their own way needs to get a grip (and is well worth avoiding).

mondaytosunday · 24/10/2022 13:09

Devastated? With a one year old? There's Christmas Eve, Boxing Day....or as you say have your parents come to you for Christmas brunch and then you go to your in laws for dinner.
Once I had kids it was Christmas at ours, my family on the day, and his family on Boxing or another day that week. We were not young (married at 40) and my husband had older children - and frankly no one cared that much that they had to see the kids on one particular day.

Bytrgrewd · 24/10/2022 13:09

For our dc’s first Christmas we felt like this so we did two Christmas dinners on Christmas Day. Don’t do this 🤣

Hollyhead · 24/10/2022 13:11

We have a 2nd Christmas Day in Boxing Day with whichever half of the family we didn’t see on Christmas Day. We don’t redo the actual turkey meal, we have something. Else lovely, but we save all presents from that side, dress up, have crackers, carols etc.

Nanny0gg · 24/10/2022 13:12

Puddinggulper · 24/10/2022 12:17

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

  • ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
  • DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
  • My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

Yuor parents come to yours for Christmas breakfast and present opening (it will be carnage at in-lasws)

Then in-laws for lunch.

Yours for BD and have light bites ready for people to pop in

Freddiefox · 24/10/2022 13:12

I think your parents sound very manipulative and immature. Surely for one day they can show a little flexibility and or understand that they can’t have it all their way.
Just stick to what it normally is, or encourage all to meet together.