It’s a Christmas one!

[Puddinggulper]

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

• ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
• DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
• My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

Do yourself a favour and start a new tradition of staying at home for Christmas as your little family. If you don't then you will be forever stuck in the pattern, so will be dragging your children away from their presents to go visiting rather than them playing with them. Even worse you are stuck with running around cooking instead of enjoying seeing your kids open their presents because you have 20 people coming for lunch and you daren't be late with your timings.

I speak from bitter experience!

The precedent you set now will be the one that's apt to stick.

It will be very much harder t break that four years down the line.

Growing up for me it was:

Presents at home with just parents

Brunch/Lunch (light bites) with one set of GPs with their presents

Dinner with the other GPs with their presents.

FWIW I hated it as a child, just wanted to be at home with my own parents and play with my toys. But hey ho.

Go and see your parents in the morning and then off to the IL's for the rest of the day. I dont really see what the issue is.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but this strikes a chord with me. I would consider whether either set of parents travelled a lot when their children were young to see GPs/inlaws. If they didn't do this and spent Christmas in their own house, then they won't really have any idea of how unsettling and disruptive it is.

I spent years ferrying my poor kids between GP's houses and we always upset one or the other of them - either the one where we opened presents, or the one where we had dinner. The kids ended up over-tired, would then be naughty and have to be told off on Christmas day. I was always doing the driving so could never have a drink, they couldn't play with their toys (unless they were small enough to take with us). TBH it was often miserable. Neither set of GPs had had to do this as young parents - they had spent Christmas in their own houses.

Then my SIL moved back from living abroad and she and BIL announced that they would be having Christmas in their own house and that anyone would be welcome to come or not, but they would not be travelling anywhere. MIL was upset, but then I found my voice and said I didn't blame them, and I was tired of driving around with overtired children every Christmas. She listened and our Christmases were transformed - better late than never. Find your voice now - have your Christmas at home if that's what you want.

We always said we would alternate dinner but then my husband came to my parents for dinner one year and we went to his parents for pudding and then he realised it felt like a much more relaxed day like that and so it has stuck. We'd never invite over for present opening as think that is about the kids waking up and rushing to see what santa has brought. Family time happens from lunch. Also, both sets of parents sometimes have presents that santa left to be played with there so they get a bit of present opening experience.

Honestly what works for one won't work for the other. Only you and your OH can decide what will work for you, we can only give you ideas of our days! Good luck

Even though I'm not a huge fan of the restriction of having to rotate it every year, in your case I'd say it makes it easy...it's your in laws turn and you should go to them...none of the things you've said give any weight to the alternative.

When I was younger we did Christmas Day with one set of family and Boxing Day with the other. Personally now I have my own family I prefer to see both on Christmas Day...one for lunch and one for tea...and have day to ourselves Boxing Day. You will never please everyone.

ILs this year definitely, works well that the abroad relatives are there and it's their turn. We had the exact same situation for our little ones first Christmas last year, it was lovely to see everyone and see LO with their cousins.

Next Christmas day with your parents, then start staying at home on year 3. Thats what we're doing.

It couldn’t just be that different people like different things, and your way isn’t the one and only enjoyable Christmas, could it, @LuckySantangelo35?

Newsflash - and I hope you are sitting down for this - different people like different things.

DH has social anxiety. We both work full time, with long commutes and DS goes to breakfast club, then school then afterschool. So when we do get our summer holidays, and Christmas day itself - it's for just us. That's 15 days out of the entire year that we reserve. The rest of the time is up for grabs - and with a poorly DM to drive three hours to every other weekend, I do relish the days that I get to stay home in the PJs.

I go visit my siblings in and around Christmas - just not ON the day itself - and they are happy with that too, because they don't want to be dragging their kids away from their toys, drive on icy roads to visit us when a 20 minute face time in the morning is enough.

This year for the first time in 3 years, DM is going elsewhere. The subtle pressure of a guest to look after for 10 days is not on me this year, and I want to savour that.

This year we are doing the panto with one sibling's family, going to do a get together with another set of cousins, and boxing day with DH's brother who's within walking distance of us so we can have a few drinks and the rest of his family go to that. And other meetups will fall into place so we are usually very busy socialising from the 22nd right though to New Year.

We just don't travel on Christmas Day itself.