It’s a Christmas one!

[Puddinggulper]

NC as potentially outing and wouldn’t want to upset family. Not really an AIBU but more of a what is reasonable.

We have an almost 1 year old so this will be baby’s first Christmas. DH and I can’t work out what’s fair to everyone. We usually alternate years between my DPs and DH parents house. This year it’s technically ILs turn. I know my DPs will be devastated if they don’t see baby on Christmas. A few relevant points:

• ILs have 3 other grandchildren so they’ve had GCs on Christmas before. This is my DPs first GC.
• DH’s siblings et al all live abroad and spend Christmases sporadically at other places such as their own ILs. This would be the first time the entire family would be together.
• My DPs are very shy and stuck in their own ways and would not wish to combine Christmas with the ILs so that isn’t an option.

Luckily both DPs and ILs live fairly locally so it would be possible to split up the day. Although I don’t know which part of the day would be seen as more important - opening presents in the morning or Christmas dinner? I feel like no matter how it’s split both families will feet put out when we leave to go and see the other one.

Also, a 1 year old won’t be as entertaining as a 2, 3 year old so are we going to have to split the day every year? I have already said to DH when baby reaches 4 years old and understands the magic of Christmas it’s important to me to spend Christmas Day in our own home and people are welcome to visit us but I won’t be dragging them around elsewhere. I want them to wake up and open presents under their own tree and have dinner in their own home like I experienced as a child. Although I’m sure we’ll have to make a few exceptions as we’ll be expected to visit ILs abroad some years but I’m hoping this won’t be until they’re teens.

How do I navigate this whilst keeping everyone happy?

Our baby's first Christmas was horrendous and we spent most of the day in the car driving from one place to another with a horribly grumpy baby that had missed of all her naps.

The following year, we stayed at home and did what was right for us!

Interesting how these shy people who are are unable to function in someone else's home are happy to show their dd how devastated they are that their dd and son in law are having their alternate turn at the in-law

I would think stockings and gifts with a nice breakfast with your parents first thing. Then go to the in-laws for lunch.
But then, we always have Christmas lunch late afternoon by candlelight so we're hungry again by then.

I'd start as you mean to go on. Just say you've heard horrendous stories about driving young children from place to place and you'd like to start the process of enjoying Christmas at home as your own little family unit. You could go one further and say that you're happy to have visitors or visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, but the Christmas Day is now your family's dag, and without the pressure of entertaining...

This, you are trying to please everyone except your own family. Your DC carted between houses won't be fun either at that age. Please stop this and stay at home.

You used a lot of words to say "i want to go to my DPs because meh ILs" or something.
Either you say: from now we are staying at home and you can come and visit (and then alternate without all the bollocks justifying why your parents should have all the choicest dates) or you say "ok from now on we'll do one year at DPs, one home, one ILs, one home, one DPs... or whatever.

Splitting Christmas day is poop, and when your DC is older it's horrible to drag them away from their presents

I doubt your parent will be devastated.
It’s only a meal. Can you not see them in the morning? Or Boxing Day?

Do one on Xmas eve, one on Boxing day, and do Xmas day at home.

Don't want to sound unkind, but people who don't make any efforts to get over shyness/stuck-in-the-mud syndrome will inevitably lose out on wonderful experiences as a result, so I wouldn't feel too bad.

We split the day and alternate lunches.
Last year we had lunch with my family so this year it’s lunch with my ILs and then we do breakfast on Christmas Day and spend the day with them on Boxing Day with the opposite.
it’s not very relaxing but the children love seeing every one and the excitement and happiness of it all makes it worth it.

We used to drive to my grandparents in London on Christmas Day. We weren’t ‘carted about!’It was fun and exciting. Sometime they came to us. People are so precious about Christmas Day these days.

Agree with @Stripyhoglets1

this also starts easing into having your own Xmas at home.

I think if it was your turn to go to your DPs you wouldn’t be worrying about what was fair, so YABU here…
Its either stay home or go to the ILs if you want to be fair…

Stay at home and do Christmas breakfast with one family and a later dinner with the other set. Repeat this process every year because kids should be at home playing with their new toys. I don't think it's fair that kids are carted around everywhere to keep adults happy.

If its your in-laws turn, I would go to them and do something either Christmas eve/boxing day or even Christmas morning/Christmas night then everyone is happy. then set your stall out early for next year, you will be at home and people can come to you - my foot is firmly down this year, I'm not dragging my toddler all over the place, its not fair on her.

I strongly believe that if you feel Christmas is a child-focused holiday, they should have it in their own home - waking up in their own beds and being able to play with their new toys all day.

Therefore - Christmas day at your house now baby is here - people welcome to visit or stay within reason. Facetime or send a video of them opening the presents if you feel that will soften the sting.

Every other day around Christmas can be for family to visit each other.
Do not get into alternate Christmases with ILs - your child will never have Christmas at home if you do that!

I would invite all to your house. They can decide if they want to come then. Doesn't have to be fancy or lots of work for you.

Can you not do Christmas Eve with one lot of parents then Boxing Day with the others? Then have Christmas Day to yourself at home. That's what we've always done. It's just not practical to spend your whole Christmas Day running between two families.

You'll never keep everyone happy. Just do what you want to do, if it was me I'd just be staying home and seeing family before or after Christmas, we stay home Christmas Day!

I would suggest to DP’s to pop over to your house morning to spend some time with you all then go to IL’s as originally planned. Then next year your DP’s we did for first few years when kids were younger but now we stay at home Xmas day . Our kids just want to stay at home and play with their new gifts. We either see everyone Xmas Eve or Boxing Day but Xmas now is for our family to have our own wee day.

Definitely split the day this year but stick to staying in your own house when DC gets a little older

Start your own routine now you’re a family. Stay home. Invite them both round on the day and then it’s on them whether they come instead of you having the dilemma

Technicallyit's the in laws turn.not their fault they have other gc and it will be just as much their first of your as your dp.
It's also big because your family will be over so doubly more swinging to the in laws.
So = in laws for Christmas.
When we go to in laws we have Christmas eve fish and chips with mine.and open their presents then.its lovely actually.
Then Christmas morning at home with your own. Head over to in laws for late lunch and rest of the day.

Bear in mind that staying at home to do Christmas with a 1YO is basically doing Christmas with your other half. Babies absolutely don't get it.

In all honesty I would decide by where I would want dinner or what time nieces and nephews will be arriving. No one is owed babies first Xmas and baby won't care either way. Do what works for you on the day if all nieces and nephews etc are at ILs for morning I would lean towards going there and leaving early afternoon as kids may get more tired later on.

Agree with others who have said to split the day this year. Could have Christmas morning with your folks then go to IL's for Lunch.

We have DD's first Christmas this year and it was due to be IL's turn to have us. But after extremely intense visits to both families this year I said we are staying at home. Have also made it clear we would not be alternating Christmas between families every other year. Feels great to have the expectation and pressure removed already.