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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I should report parent sitting in car with nursery child.

337 replies

wellstopdoingitthen · 23/10/2022 22:58

I live opposite a primary school. There's a mum who collects her nursery child at 11.30 then sits in the car with her until the older children finish at 3pm. She usually sits there with the engine running which is right next to the playground. I'm not sure if I should do anything or if I'm being a busy body.
I know the little one is in there because I did ask the mum to turn off her engine during the really hot weather. I got an earful because apparently she needed it on because it was hot in the car.
Yabu- keep your nose out
Yanbu- you should notify the school/authorities

OP posts:
Grrrrdarling · 26/10/2022 12:36

wellstopdoingitthen · 26/10/2022 10:08

Many apologies for taking so long to reply. Thank you for the many suggestions. I will try to answer some of the questions that have come up.
No I don't sit watching out of my window all day but when there's someone parked up every day for so long it becomes obvious.
Many parents do come early to grab a parking spot but she is there from about 11.15 every day & doesn't leave until 3.15 when the main school finishes. I had noticed over a period of time that the same car was there. A neighbour had also asked if I had noticed the car & the child getting in every day. I had asked the driver to switch off her engine when I walked past one afternoon. It was then I realised that the child was inside. She's 2or3 & was playing on a mobile phone. I asked if she wouldn't mind switching her engine off as she was parked next to the nursery playground (you can hear the children playing the other side of the fence). There is a large park about 10 mins walk away & a library 5 mins. The reply was so aggressive I backed off. Yes I'm a coward & hate confrontation.
I'm genuinely concerned about the child (&mum). I now feel awful for not doing anything earlier. As it's half term this week I will just mention it to the nursery on Monday.

I’d offer the lady space in my home to wait so her child can run around & to save her money for fuel to run the car for that amount of time. If this was refused I’d let the school know. With amenities, that are much better places to wait with a young child, available nearby this is a weird & concerning behaviour. I’d much prefer for my child to be out in the fresh air, unless it was raining heavily, than stuck in a confined space.
Reach out to the mum again & if you get no joy or met with aggression again escalate the issue.

toomuchlaundry · 26/10/2022 12:38

Why should the OP offer her home to someone? Better to speak to the school, better school have the facts

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 26/10/2022 12:41

Maybe she has a reason she can't go home. Maybe she's in temporary accommodation far away and it's too expensive to stay somewhere else in the day. Who know why? Apart from the engine none of it would be my business. Maybe they get out and go to the park in that time as well?

OldSchoolCasualty · 26/10/2022 16:41

Do you live on my road?! There’s a school opposite and a lady in her mini van will sit there idling for 3.5 hours right outside my window! It’s infuriating!

LoisLane66 · 26/10/2022 17:27

Late to the thread but what about food for the nursery child or toilet?
It's an offence to sit in a vehicle, any vehicle with the engine idling. It's in the Highway code and part of the Road Traffic Act (RTA) It attracts a fine which can be substantial.
Tell her that she's wrong, that you're reporting her to police and taking a photo of her car and registration. Send an online message to local police on their website which allows you to report a 'crime' and attach the photo and the times and days the car is there. I would also mention it to the school.
I have reported an AA guy in a recovery truck who was over his alloted hours and decided to sleep with the engine on, a few yards from my home. Eventually I went out about midnight and took photos. He wasn't pleased but I said he ought to know better and yes, I did report him.

LoisLane66 · 26/10/2022 17:32

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1
Typical, thinking of reasons why she should, not reasons why she shouldn't. It matters not what her circumstances are, it's against the law. Would you make a similar excuse for someone who commited theft? Both are against the law.

LoisLane66 · 26/10/2022 17:43

No homeless mother would be left without accomodation especially with young children. If she is old enough to have more than one child but does nothing to secure proper accomodation...
If she's abused or homeless there is plenty of help as evidenced by past threads on here. It can't be that she can't 'get away' from a controlling partner if she can sit for hours outside a school. If she was homeless the car would be filled with their stuff and the school would know and give support.
I don't agree with asking her in for tea and taking treats for the child. That's interference.

angela99999 · 26/10/2022 20:03

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 25/10/2022 21:52

Perhaps they are homeless or in emergency accommodation that they have to be out of in the day time. Maybe their home is not a place of safety and refuge but a place of fear and abuse and this is their way of staying safe. Have some compassion or butt out or ask them i. For a coffee and a chat.

Unlikely to have a car if they are homeless or in emergency accommodation.

drkpl · 26/10/2022 22:00

The car idling is one thing. The welfare of the mother and her reasons for doing so are another. But importantly, NO CHILD should be subjected to being strapped into a car for 3.5 hours EVERY DAY regardless of circumstances.

I’m not saying we should look down on the mother. However, all this “reporting” fear mongering nonsense is ridiculous and trivialising.This needs to be raised with either the school, social services, or the police so that adequate support can be provided. Believe it or not, the police don’t see it as being in the child’s best interest to be whipped away from its mother- they will try to offer support and investigate why the mother is behaving in this way. Believe it or not, she probably won’t get into any shit for the idling either- they do use their discretion, and prob why would in this circumstance.

Shame on the ones who would look the other way.

amyds2104 · 27/10/2022 06:44

I’m astounded that some people on here think it’s okay for a mother and child to be sat in the car for hours several days a week. How is that good for a child’s well-being? No wonder so many children die from abuse when people are too scared to report something so obviously odd and damaging to a child.

would any of you want your child to be sat in a car for 3.5 hours? Barely moving and not exploring the world. I’m guessing you wouldn’t. Why would you think it is okay for this child “Because it’s not your business”

safeguarding is everyone’s concern. I’m just stunned. well done op!

Berrylina · 27/10/2022 07:02

If the child is young and asleep for 2 hours after school what's the issue? Perhaps they live an hour away from school - it happens . . . . So the Engine shouldn't be on, but OP knows nothing else about whether the child is napping, eating etc. OP can't even confirm 100% if they get out of the car or not at any point. I can't believe how nosy people are.

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 07:14

It’s called safeguarding @Berrylina not being nosy.

If the child was with the nanny or childminder would any parent be happy with this arrangement?

Plopplopplopplopplopploppy · 27/10/2022 07:25

This is a concern, I would be mentioning it to the school/nursery, they may not know and then can find out why this is happening. If this was happening in my place of work we would want to know. Could be a safeguarding issue if they are avoiding something, also that’s a long time to be sat in a car everyday.

Shamrock77 · 27/10/2022 07:32

Definitely mention this to the school. For whatever reason the Mum is doing this, it is certainly not normal behaviour!! Poor child being stuck in the car for that long, especially in the hot weather and playing on a mobile phone at that age for so long. Why not take the child to the park etc during that time? Very odd. Good luck x

Shamrock77 · 27/10/2022 07:34

P.S I'm pretty shocked too at how people are saying mind your own business! This is concerning behaviour and like others have said, Mum may need help and it is certainly not helping the child's development.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 27/10/2022 07:37

BananaCocktails · 23/10/2022 23:19

Ring social services who the f does that to a child
horrendous

Perhaps someone who doesn't have a home life which enables her to be there in the day.

dayswithaY · 27/10/2022 08:04

The most obvious explanation is the mother doesn’t want to do more than one trip from the school to home. I used to see this a lot outside my children’s school, although that was mainly women without children in the car who had just finished work and didn’t want to do two trips.

The child is obviously staring at the Mum’s phone for the majority of the time, or she’s asleep. It’s not great and most people wouldn’t choose to do it but some parents don’t care.

She’s already spoken aggressively to OP so she’d be mad to invite her inside for cups of tea and a nice chats.

The engine running is a problem but if this child was sat at home staring at a phone while Mum ignored her, we wouldn’t know about it. Social services have got emergencies to deal with.

LuckyLil · 27/10/2022 08:52

LoisLane66 · 26/10/2022 17:32

@Whowhatwherewhenwhy1
Typical, thinking of reasons why she should, not reasons why she shouldn't. It matters not what her circumstances are, it's against the law. Would you make a similar excuse for someone who commited theft? Both are against the law.

Opposite ends of the scale though. You'll get the police out to a burglary in progress. You won't get the police out because someone was idling.p their engine. In fact they'd probably reprimand you for time wasting. It's about perspective.

SkaterGrrrrl · 27/10/2022 08:54

Haven't rtft but to all those saying OP is nosy/ how on earth can OP know/ is she on her pavement or looking out her window 4 hours a day:

I live opposite a primary school. You 100% get to recognise parents and kids. There is the mum in the blue car who always parks across our neighbour's driveway because she can't be bothered to walk half a block. There is the family who rides on the pavement on tricycles, scattering pedestrians. There is the dad who ties a dachshund to a railing and leave it barking while he takes his son inside.

I'm not a particularly nosy person but I know what's happening on my road generally. I walk DS to a (different) nearby primary school, I open the front door to get the milk in or let the cat out or to receive parcels. (I also struggle to find a parking space at 9 a.m. or 3 p.m!)

TLDR: if you live opposite a primary school, you will get to know the habits of parents doing drop-offs and pick-ups.

5yearplan · 27/10/2022 09:11

Yes I used to live opposite a primary school and you do get to know the cars and faces and people’s routines. There was not enough space in the car park and it was a nightmare on the road so some parents did arrive really early for pick-up in the afternoon to get a space.

In op’s position I wouldn’t think to report it to the police but might mention it to the school.

I would imagine the parent doesn’t want to drive home and back again although I agree it’s a concern.

POTC · 27/10/2022 09:16

angela99999 · 26/10/2022 20:03

Unlikely to have a car if they are homeless or in emergency accommodation.

Show quote history

@angela99999 that's absolutely incorrect and very judgemental! I was homeless and in emergency accommodation. I had a car. I know numerous people who have had to live in emergency accommodation and had their cars. My current car cost less than the monthly rent on my son's uni accommodation, if I became homeless again selling it wouldn't get me enough money for somewhere to live but would make it impossible get to work to earn money to pay the rent on temporary accommodation (which was the same as for a 3 bed house incidentally, for one room in a hostel, it's not free.)

anastaisia · 27/10/2022 09:40

My initial assumption was that it would be to do with naps. My eldest kept up an afternoon nap for ages and could sleep for up to 3 hours.

If I’d had other kids at the time, and found myself in this circumstance then I could definitely see myself bringing a book/work to do and getting her to have her nap in the car after nursery, while I had a few hours to read or do admin before picking the others up and going on to do something fun and active with them so she would be tired out again for bed later. She was much happier when she had a good afternoon sleep.

But I wouldn’t have kept the car running for hours. I might have had a quick drive round to get her to sleep and then parked up with the engine off. So I probably wouldn’t have done it in extreme temperatures where the car couldn’t stay cool/warm without the air con.

caramac04 · 27/10/2022 09:44

FlibbertyGiblets · 23/10/2022 23:02

I would alert nursery. The child should not be contained in a vehicle from 11.30 to 3pm. There may be a reason why they can't go home.

This. The child should be moving around, park on a nice day or even a museum/ library. The child’s physical, mental, emotional development is being hindered.
There might be a reason they can’t go home but the child’s needs are nowhere near being met. What about needing a toilet?

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 09:46

cherry2727 · 23/10/2022 23:16

I refuse to believe a child this age will remain in a car for this long!!! Do they leave and go for long walks ?? Is the child napping ?? There is more to this story!

They will if it is want they are used to. The same as children who are severely neglected don't cry because they've learnt there's no point and no one will come to them even if they do.

AloysiusBear · 27/10/2022 09:47

How old is the kid? At 18m DS would have had a minimum 3 hour nap from 11.30 - 2.30....