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Original poster

To ask if I should reply to this weird Facebook message?

337 replies

thalita605 · 23/10/2022 21:24

Just that really.

Been with DP for 2.5 years, we have an 8mo together and our relationship is good and he's a good dad to DD. He's currently working away and this afternoon I had a message request on FB from what I assume is a teenage boy, although he doesn't have any pictures himself on his account, unless he's made it all private. He said he was DP’s son, he doesn't know if DP has told me about him but he wants to meet. I don't know if this is genuine or not, as he's never mentioned a son, neither has MIL, I've not met other family members as he doesn't speak to them.

I'm not sure if I should reply or not, part of me doesn't think I should but another part things I should. WWYD?

OP posts:
Hermenonville · 26/10/2022 08:00

yes, if he’d come forward and said “my mum is x and she had a child by you,” then you could look further into e.g. DNA testing etc.

Yes that would be ideal but is the 'son' a mature adult? And didn't he say that OP's DP is not interested? It's true that anybody can come up with his claim but equally, on the off-chance that it is the truth, you have to thread carefully.
Though at some point soon, he needs to be able to provide OP with something.

thelobsterquadrille · 26/10/2022 08:22

Seriously I can’t believe that so many people would be prepared to doubt their partner over someone who refuses to give any details about themselves, doesn’t have a picture, but claims they’re a long lost child. You lot are just ripe for the picking.

It's not about being "ripe for the picking", or doubting your partner, though.

I imagine a fair few men have had one night stands and fathered children they know nothing about, especially in the days before social media took off.

The son hasn't refused to give details either - he's mentioned the brothers' name (correctly), used a locked down profile (sensible) and won't give his mums' name as he doesn't want her to know he's looking for his dad (understandable).

None of that means he's a scammer or dodgy. Maybe he's just a kid who's scared.

MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 08:27

Well, if he’s not mature enough to give his mother’s name then he’s not mature enough to go looking for his parents.

there’s a reason why adoption records and donation records aren’t released to a child until they’re 18.

And OP absolutely should not be engaging in a situation where someone is refusing to give their mother’s name and hoping to go through her to communicate with a man he claims is his father. I would play no part in this kind of dynamic where everything and everyone is a secret with one common denominator.

CPL593H · 26/10/2022 08:31

Being in the same position as this boy, I'm concerned about his age. As we all know, the Internet has made these kind of searches possible but cannot lessen the potential emotional harm.

Of course it could be a scam but the fact he doesn't know much is not necessarily an indicator of that. He may have been told very little and be trying to do his own detective work and possibly going down the wrong track. His mother may not have told the truth about the identity of his father, for whatever reason. These things happen.

I would ask him to share what he knows without giving any information away yourself and talk properly to your DP. The game changer for everyone is the existence of DNA tests.

MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 08:31

No not understandable at all.

You really think that it’s ok for random person with no picture and no profile details to send a message saying “hey, I’m your partner’s child, I can’t tell you who with but I’m his son, honest.

If the mother has told him the brother’s name then the mother has told him who the father is and likely knows that at some point he will go looking.

If you’re going to go looking like this then you have to accept it can’t be all on your terms.

And a quick look online shows that these kinds of scams are rife.

So, it’s mother’s name or block. The end.

thelobsterquadrille · 26/10/2022 08:49

MayThe4th · 26/10/2022 08:31

No not understandable at all.

You really think that it’s ok for random person with no picture and no profile details to send a message saying “hey, I’m your partner’s child, I can’t tell you who with but I’m his son, honest.

If the mother has told him the brother’s name then the mother has told him who the father is and likely knows that at some point he will go looking.

If you’re going to go looking like this then you have to accept it can’t be all on your terms.

And a quick look online shows that these kinds of scams are rife.

So, it’s mother’s name or block. The end.

I didn't say it was okay. I said it was understandable that a young boy would want to find his dad.

It's the fact that he knows the brothers' name (not linked via Facebook) that makes me think it could be genuine.

I just can't understand being so harsh "mothers name or block" ffs.

Elfblossom · 26/10/2022 10:28

Some people are clearly devoid of empathy ...

Brigante9 · 26/10/2022 10:57

Why does he want to meet you? Shouldn’t he be contacting your dp?

niugboo · 26/10/2022 11:35

Definitely do not meet him. It sounds like a troll or a scam or who knows what to me.

Welshmonster · 26/10/2022 11:37

Be very careful about sharing personal details as sadly could be a scam. Ask them for personal details like name, birthday, mums name etc where the mum knows dad from.

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/10/2022 11:50

I know this might sound a bit out there but if dp is no contact with his brother, and the boy knows his name, could this by any chance be a stunt by dp's brother to cause trouble? (for whatever reason, I don't know, but you don't know what he is like or much about why they don't speak).

Or, has the boy as a scammer been in earshot or involved in a conversation where dp's brother has spoke of your dp, and the boy has done some online digging and targeted you.

Just a couple of thoughts I had when you said about dp being estranged from his brother, and this boy happens to know the brother's name.

Of course, the boy could be genuine, but when dp is back from being away, I'd have him speak to the boy and ask more questions, including a dna test request.

Bib1234 · 26/10/2022 11:54

DownAtTheBodyShop · 23/10/2022 21:31

I’d respond. You haven’t been with your boyfriend for long and it sounds like things moved quickly in your relationship so not unheard of that a man would keep secrets in a situation like this.

2.5 years is plenty long enough and an 8 month baby isn’t taking things quickly 😂

MightyOaks · 26/10/2022 11:54

SpacePotato · 23/10/2022 21:28

No. It's weird.
Why would he want to meet you suddenly?

Are you serious? The poor lad could’ve been adopted or may have only just discovered who his father is! Of course he wants to meet him! What a strange thing to say….

Comfort3 · 26/10/2022 11:55

Eh, why would the very first thing you do, not be letting your partner know about this message?!

CapMarvel · 26/10/2022 11:56

Everything about this screams a scam.

MariaVon · 26/10/2022 11:56

Talk to your partner! Then let him take the lead with it, go with what he says - whichever way. And then concentrate on your own kid. I am a step Mum and a bio Mum. Don't overly worry about mistakes which happened in the past - you can't change some things, so don't try. As harsh as this sounds, you can only do so much to help other people's kids. Prepare yourself before you speak to your partner, be calm (remember you are his safe place, so support your kid and your partner first. Look after your own little family.) Yes, step kids are a part of family to some extent, BUT, sometimes they are NOT, and that is ok. Don't worry about something which you did not cause (i.e. the horrid situation for this kid.) good luck.x x

AlpacaBag · 26/10/2022 11:57

Think could very easily be true - in this day and age how else would you try and find someone, Facebook is the easiest and most obvious method! Don't block him yet, keep chatting and you can easily block if/when it gets into scam territory! I have a friend who won't tell her daughter who her dad is, but she knows she'll have to come clean at some point and that he would be easy to find on Facebook.

Bib1234 · 26/10/2022 11:57

Considering you’ve been with him 2 and a half years and have a baby with him, your comments come across like you don’t trust him - ‘he could be lying’ ‘why would he tell me if he hasn’t told
me before’ - both could be ‘true’ but in a relationship, especially one you’ve entrusted a child with, there has to be an element of trust at least to begin with. You should wait til DP is home and talk to him and approach the situation United rather than going behind his back. Then if he is genuinely reluctant maybe speak to the son yourself

Fundays12 · 26/10/2022 12:10

OP is it possible DP doesn't know he has a son? I have heard of this happening before.

burnoutbabe · 26/10/2022 12:15

Wouldn't you only need a first name of mum to know if you'd shagged them or not?

So he can give you that and you'd probably not be able to track her down from that level of detail. (Though if it's actually real you may be able to as maybe surname was known)

But assume a shag after a night out, you'd have no idea of surname I'd imagine

MarigoldMoonStone · 26/10/2022 12:20

What exactly is he asking of you?

UsernameNotAvailableApparently · 26/10/2022 12:23

This is so strange… Just a thought (and sorry if someone’s already said this) but could he have found your DH and DB details on a site like ancestry? I’d think it was a scam tbh!

TooShyShyShhh · 26/10/2022 12:25

thalita605 · 25/10/2022 22:15

DP is NC with his brother so I don't think he could've found his name on FB, but it could've been a coincidence I suppose

One hell of a coincidence to randomly pick a male name and get the right one.
How would he even know DP has a brother?

forrestgreen · 26/10/2022 12:31

Reply
'It's good that you got in touch, but obviously we'll need to see your birth certificate and a photo of your mum. I'm not calling you a liar but for things to proceed dh will need to know who your mum is. Let me know when you've found your birth certificate'

feedingfrenzyatfive · 26/10/2022 12:32

Can the OP please update the thread on the ongoing discussions with her DP?