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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

137 replies

goodmorningsunny · 23/10/2022 20:20

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

OP posts:
TimeforZeroes · 23/10/2022 20:21

There’s no way on earth that was your fault. Did he do this growing up? Take his anxiety and fear out on you?

LittlePinkBalloon · 23/10/2022 20:22

How on Earth is this your fault? Your dad sounds like he got very frightened and took it out on you. I’m glad your daughter is ok.

MavisChunch29 · 23/10/2022 20:22

YADNBU. Your dad was angry due to his own guilt and stupidity. I'd have yelled back that I won't have him near DD if he is going to do things which are unsafe.

laurzf1 · 23/10/2022 20:22

He was in shock and deflecting onto you. He knows he shouldn't have given the dorito. Don't be hard on yourself either, it's shocking when choking happens.
Xxx

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:22

He needs to go on a first aid course

Never would I dangle a kid upside down and hit them in the back!

MavisChunch29 · 23/10/2022 20:24

Never would I dangle a kid upside down and hit them in the back!

I think you desperately do need to go on a first aid course as that bit is correct.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 20:24

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:22

He needs to go on a first aid course

Never would I dangle a kid upside down and hit them in the back!

If your child was choking you’d do anything to stop them from choking. Get over yourself.

donttellmehesalive · 23/10/2022 20:25

He knows it was his fault but can't accept that he was almost responsible for her death. He's in denial. My grandmother took ds to the shop and he ran into the road. From the window, I saw him pull away from her and run into the road. A car swerved to narrowly avoid him. I ran outside and scooped him up. My grandmother cried and said 'you shouldn't have let go of his hand'. It was very odd.

willingtolearn · 23/10/2022 20:25

Your dad gave your daughter a food that was totally unsuitable for her.

This caused her to choke.

He then 'saved the day' and is now guilty and defensive and reflecting that back on you.

He was wrong and irresponsible. He knows this, but seems to have an issue apologising.

Your parents cold shoulder would be reflected right back at them and I would not be allowing them to see my child until your father had apologised.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 23/10/2022 20:25

Your father is extremely emotional crying in your face.

Did he not realise that the crisp he gave the baby caused her to choke?

I wouldn't visit the crazy house again.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 20:26

You did nothing wrong, and a Dorito isn’t a high risk food for choking.

it sounds like it was a terrifying experience and emotions have run high. Is your dad normally so reactionary, or is this a one off?

willingtolearn · 23/10/2022 20:32

I disagree that a Dorito isn't a high risk food - it is thick, rigid and dry.

A 9 month old is unlikely to chew it sufficiently to make it safe to swallow.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:34

You don't swing a child upside down

He panicked

InTrussWeTruss · 23/10/2022 20:35

I think he was in shock. What he said made no sense whatsoever. Sounds to me.like he was scared to death and had to let it out somehow.

Of course it wasn't your fault. He was the one who gave the offending food. To be honest I don't think Doritos are that easy to choke on (not that they are a great food for a baby) so it's not really his fault either unless you have explicitly told him to not give her anything. theoretically you can choke on anything though but I'd say in this case it's Just unfortunate.

The good news is he did save her. Before he lost it.

I'd have a word with him when everyone has calmed down. Maybe say thanks for saving her but also tell him that his behaviour was out of order. It was not your fault whatsoever and it's incredibly entitled and arrogant (if not dangerous) to think that he cares more about your daughter than you and her dad do. It was a horrible and scary experience for you too and he was wrong to make it worse by unfairly having a go at you.

If you otherwise have a good relationship and he sees sense when you talk to him then I'd let it go.

YellowTreeHouse · 23/10/2022 20:36

Your dad is absolutely in the wrong here and he is only acting out and saying those things because he is panicky and anxious about his own behaviour.

However, this:

she had lots of little bits on her tray.

Has me concerned. Smaller bits of food are a far higher choking risk - food needs to be cut appropriately, the right size and shape.

Please see SolidStarts for reference.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:37

MavisChunch29 · 23/10/2022 20:24

Never would I dangle a kid upside down and hit them in the back!

I think you desperately do need to go on a first aid course as that bit is correct.

Nope

I don't

Support across your knee or forearm and then firm blows

Dangling upside down indeed!

InTrussWeTruss · 23/10/2022 20:37

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:34

You don't swing a child upside down

He panicked

Did he swing? Op didn't say that. You turn the child so they are face down (and out then over your knee or something). From.l the op I thought that's what he did. I doubt he dangled her upside down ie held her by her feet with her head near the floor.

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 23/10/2022 20:38

To be fair if it stops my child from choking to death you can swing her by the ankles if you like…

CheezePleeze · 23/10/2022 20:39

Does your father have mental health problems?

I realise you've left out yours/your DH's side of any conversation here but his words are so very dramatic aren't they? Confused

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 20:39

willingtolearn · 23/10/2022 20:32

I disagree that a Dorito isn't a high risk food - it is thick, rigid and dry.

A 9 month old is unlikely to chew it sufficiently to make it safe to swallow.

No, it’s relatively thin, easy to break down in wet environments and easy to dislodge. Not a healthy food choice for 9 months mind.

carrots and grapes are high risk choking foods - they form lumps that can get wedged in the wind pipe and are very hard to dislodge.

Obki · 23/10/2022 20:39

Your dad acted like a twat and needs to apologise.

Tell him never to feed your baby agin

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 20:40

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 23/10/2022 20:38

To be fair if it stops my child from choking to death you can swing her by the ankles if you like…

Quite.

Obki · 23/10/2022 20:40

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 23/10/2022 20:39

No, it’s relatively thin, easy to break down in wet environments and easy to dislodge. Not a healthy food choice for 9 months mind.

carrots and grapes are high risk choking foods - they form lumps that can get wedged in the wind pipe and are very hard to dislodge.

Show quote history

No, a jagged piece of Dorito is very chokeable. Dangerous for a baby,

UniversalTruth · 23/10/2022 20:41

Goodness what a horrible experience for everyone.

I agree with the PPs saying he said all this in his adrenaline rush. Doritos are not really much different to bread sticks in choking risk in the cold light of day, and maybe you feel your own actions were slightly risky too, maybe you feel you should have been watching her more closely (not saying you should have been, but maybe you feel guilty about this part).

I would let everyone calm down for a few days and then send a message to your parents saying that it was all a bit of a shock wasn't it, thank you to your dad for fast action and you'll be keeping a close eye in future.

Foolsandtheirmoney · 23/10/2022 20:43

Your dad was clearly got a huge fright and cares for your daughter very much. I would cut him some slack. Not everyone behaves correctly when they are full of emotion. If it is a one off I don't see any need to do anything other than move on.

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