To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

[goodmorningsunny]

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

He did a stupid thing and then was beside himself with fear and shame so he projected it all on to you - which was very unkind. You did nothing wrong and if he and DH had not acted very quickly you would have saved your child yourself, no doubt about it - they just got in first. Trust yourself - you are the mum.

Oh poor thing that must have been terrifying. Your dad's rant after was nasty. I think he was trying to deflect the blame. Don't let him anywhere near your child with food again.

He's projecting his fear onto you as a reaction to what he knows deep down he did. He's deflecting what really happened to make you feel you were in the wrong.
Yanbu

Are you doing baby led weaning?

Just with him saying you need to change the way you feed this baby. Lots of people especially older can't get their heads round the whole thing (I personally don't like it either)

He was out of order but he was just in shock and scared and emotional. Maybe when he's calmed a little he'll realise it was him that caused it.

He needs to apologise. Yes he lost the plot out of fear and guilt but he has to apologise. I would wait for his apology, however long it takes.

He is deflecting. Don’t for a minute think it was your fault. He can’t apologise yet because he is too busy being defensive. He sounds emotionally quite controlling and stunted.
Can you keep your distance for a while and when/ if you feel strong enough say: ‘ I know you were frightened by what happened. Blame isn’t helpful but taking responsibility for your actions is important and I need to know you won’t ever give her food that I haven’t ok’d until she’s older. ‘

Your dad took his anger at himself out on you.

Had this been me, I would've been screaming back that it was him that almost killed her.

He needs to accept this and take full responsibility.

What did your husband say?

You were all in shock. Talk about it when the shock has subsided.

My DS choked on a slice of beef. I froze too.

It's okay.

Was she choking (silent) or gagging/struggling (loud)? Because grapes, hotdogs and similar do more of the first and dry foods do more of the second. The second is much less dangerous.

You do need to watch her while she eats (because of the first) but he's an arse for blaming you for him giving her inappropriate food. Doritos FFS? Idiot.

That's exactly what you do do for a choking infant.

Yep. This is right. My mum, usually very safety conscious to the point of high-anxiety, weirdly pretended it hadn't happened when her scalding hot tea spilt and missed my toddler by inches. She'd left it in a stupid place. The emotion was overload and she acted in a very uncharacteristic way, literally not reacting as everyone else freaked out - as if the guilt was too much.

Bloody hell, what a shock.

Your father is some nasty piece of work.

I would take a lot of space and NOT allow people feed your baby anything.

They do choke very easily so things need to be diced small.

What a horrible experience made worse by your fathers nasty behaviour.

What is he like normally?

@billy1966 Incorrect. Smaller pieces of food are a much higher choking risk.

Food needs to be cut age appropriately in the right size and shape.

Please see SolidStarts for reference.

Think people are going ott saying don't let the grandparent near his granddaughter again.
convo with him and an apology needed for his creation etc . Sound like a very emotional reaction and deflecting blame. If this is a one off incident of course ...

Glad you're little one is ok xxx

I’d be sending him a message to say you’re extremely upset by his suggestion that you put your daughters life in danger when he fed her a piece of Dorito which is highly inappropriate for a 9 month old baby. He might be in shock, but he caused this. If he doesn’t apologise when he calms down then I’d be avoiding him for a while as I’d be furious.

This thread is stressing me out... crisps absolutely are high risk for choking, and putting a child over knee and patting hard on back is what you should do.

People really should read up on this stuff for themselves before putting out misinformation online...

I'm really sorry this happened OP it must have been really scary for all of you.

@goodmorningsunny I'm sorry you had such a terrible fright, it's bloody scary!

your Dad was wrong to give her a Dorito.

what did he mean by 'you feed her too much' and 'you need to change how you feed her!'?

is milk still here main 'food' Are you just giving her other food randomly & are you spoon feeding her purées etc or are you doing BLW (Baby Led Weaning)

BLW needs to be done properly. If she just had 'small bits' on her tray then that is a choking risk & you need to look in to how to do BLW safely. Do you know the difference between a baby coughing something up & choking?

also have you done a Paediatric First Aid course? Every parent should do one, few do.

of course when it's a real situation there can still be seconds of shock before you act, but the more training you have, the sooner the right actions kuck in.

ehether your Dad did it text book or not is irrelevant, it removed the Dorito & you said she seems fine.

you need to get to the bottom of his comments about feeding her before you can move forward.

This!

It was a huge shock, and nobody reacted well, but there is a lot of overly dramatic advice on this thread.

Totally misses the point...

He was distraught. Best to let it go. Honestly, if we hold our nearest and dearest to such high standards we will have no one left.

little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray

Are you sure it was the little bit of Dorrito rather than everything else?

Upside down and a whack on the back saved her life. It's called first aid. You are understandably upset, but I don't think your Dad did anything wrong.

That’s not what the OP said

You made the dangle bit up!!

He acted correctly in the situation. He may be BU but he’s not the one who needs to go on a First Aid course!

(Not that I’m suggest the OP does but you!)

I look after my sister's baby fairly regularly and I only give her food that my sister has either given me or that I 100% know is safe for a baby to eat.

Your Dad just sounds like an arsehole who thinks he is the big 'I AM'.

How dare he shout at you when it was he who had put your baby in danger and given you a huge shock.

Stand firm - unless he issues a full and frank apology and shows some humility, I wouldn't be hanging around.

Where did he swing her 🤣🤣

I hope you don’t actually spend too much time around small children!!