To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

[goodmorningsunny]

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

If he thinks it's dangerous why did he give her a Dorito? Most posts on here about relatives who don't agree with BLW find those relatives try to give mashed/blended spoonfed food.

I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

Then you parents are abusive ratbags who you would probably do well to go low contact with.

For you to have even a second's belief that it was your fault that he fed your child a crisp she choked on, they must have been doing this to you your whole life. Persistent gaslighting like this makes a person lose their sense of self & reality.

Your dad blaming you is the classic abuser's tactic - DARVO -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

How did your husband react - is he supportive of you?
What does he think of this incident, & your parents generally?

@Aprenderespanol

It was OP's dad that gave her daughter the dorito which she started choking on. He then accused OP of almost killing her daughter and pretty much said that he had to save her daughter's life because of OP's way of feeding her. Whether or not he agrees with baby led weaning, it had nothing to do with the baby choking, that was his fault. He is trying tonpass the blame onto OP, which is disgusting behaviour.

@BananaCocktails She brought the crisp up when he slapped her on the back.

Seeing your child nearly choke is a frightening experience ,your dad got upset it's he shouldn't have blamed you but it'd understandable he was frightened.

No, it's really not understandable to be so aggressive to his own daughter after he is the one who caused his granddaughter to choke.

"As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people."

YOU think that is a reasonable response and NOW the OP thinks she is going to be punished.

Instead of minimising awful behaviour on her fathers part, perhaps have a think about how damaging it is for abused people to realise they are in a FOG.

It is not normal to lash out at those around you, blame others for your mistake, abuse your adult daughter and then have her expect to be punished.

Her father sounds like a total headcase and I bet this incident of him being nasty isn't in isolation.

I said it was understandable, he was frightened, back in the real world people say all kinds of things they don't mean when they are angry or frightened.

He was frightened as we all would have been.
But his way of dealing with his fear (and guilt) is to bully and gaslight.
I’m also struck by the pp’s account of a grandmother who blamed her granddaughter when SHE let go of a child’s hand near the road.
Disgusting bullies. Hope you have clear insight into his flaws OP.

He’s not rushing to apologise to his daughter though is he? OP says he will give her the cold shoulder now.

Stop defending another aggressive man.

Only you know the answer here, OP.

Either this kind of behaviour was totally out of the blue from a man who is otherwise loving and supportive. In which case, chalk it up to the heat of the moment and move on.

Or this is the latest in a lifetime of blaming you for things that are not your fault, part of a pattern of behaviour. In which case, he's a dickhead, so think no more on it. His judgement is flawed.

Has your father always blamed others for his mistakes?

Agreed.

Too many on here excuse and defend appalling behaviour from men.

He's a nasty bully that will now give his daughter the cold shoulder.

Disgusting abusive behaviour that is shameful to excuse.

The poor OP, as if she didn't have enough of a shock at what happened.