To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

[goodmorningsunny]

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

@October2020 one of those pages you linked lists raisins as a choking hazard. Raisins, really?

You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us

Was the whole episode a protest against baby-led weaning? Did he (inadvertently, presumably), demonstrate 'the worst thing that could happen' to you?

Raisins should not be given to children below 1 as they are a choking hazard for that age. That's NHS advice!

I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

This part is just really, really odd.

My DD chocked on a bit of cheese at about 10 months old. Proper, silent chocking.

GP were in the room at the time, and froze. I managed to dislodge it. It was a horrible experience.

let everyone calm down for a few days before deciding they’re awful people.

He’s obviously deflecting his guilt and shock at you. It’s scared him.
I wouldn’t let this go, quietly let him know that you know that he didn’t mean to cause her harm but from now on to be mindful about giving her food she can’t manage.
And yes a First Aid course for everyone is good idea.

Where did the Dorrito come from? Was it something he was eating or something you were feeding her or were going to?
It's strictly soft foods only at that age and especially not a Dorrito as it's thicker and pointier (sp?) than normal crisps.
If it was something he fed her off his own plate, then he owes you a huge apology.

A child can (and sadly has) choked and died on smooth mashed potato.

Sounds like he's proper panicked. Personally I'd cut him some slack. No harm done.

PS, You’re not a shit mum.

I’ve had to do that before- it worked. And he WAS the one who dislodged the crisp ( which he fed her, and gaslit op about after).

OP
Sounds like a bit of distance is a good idea. Your dad was 100% in the wrong

Yanbu.

Your dad shouldn't have given the Dorito. Especially a small piece as it is probably more of a choke risk than a larger chunk as the sensory feedback isn't as great from small pieces.
His reaction was probably out of shock, to me it doesn't really make much sense.

I would suggest some time out to calm down from it all and revisit how you feel in a few days/weeks if needed. Your child's safety is the main priority but you will have to work on repairing the relationship at some point.

I am definitely more paranoid when it comes to foods for my now toddler. I'm a speech and language therapist that works with adults with dysphagia and it has made me quite paranoid about choking with my little one.
The IDDSI website has info on inappropriate foods for babies, and Melanie potock (an American paediatric slt who specialises in swallowing disorders/dysphagia) and solid starts are also quite good resources in general, for those who are interested.

Don't say that @amkm21 , God forbid we refer to resources that aren't the good old NHS...

(I'm joking, of course, thanks for sharing)

Never leave her in their care.

I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now

I think you would be fully justified in giving him the cold shoulder.
He could have killed her.

He’s deflecting through guilt and shock.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures. This action was exactly the right thing to do. Better a broken bone than a dead child!

This is why I didn't do baby led weaning

This ^

Plus I'd not be leaving him unsupervised with her to be honest. Why would he think a dorito is suitable for a 9 month old?

They are sharp, do not melt or crunch easily and highly salted/lots no additives, not a suitable food in addition to the fruit you'd given her.

It's not your fault as I imagine you assumed your daughter would be safe, but you've now seen that he makes poor decisions and blames others for them.

Actually research shows that traditional-led weaning babies are more likely to choke than BLW babies because they haven’t been allowed to learn how to chew, swallow or take appropriate size bites.

First of all OP take a deep breath. You’ve had a terrible scare today and it happens more commonly than you know. You were NOT at fault, your dad gave her something that caused her to choke but it was an accident. He has been crying ‘angrily’ because he knows it’s his fault and he’s trying to relieve his own guilt.

I suggest as others have a first aid course for you ALL!

My kids are in their late teens and twenties now but I do wonder whether guidance on feeding babies has changed in recent years. I had a friend round for lunch a few months ago and she was feeding her baby who was about 8/9 months whole strawberries, even hard veg. I remember being quite shocked at the size of the pieces she was giving him as I didn't remember that being the guidance when mine were small and she absolutely is the type of person who would do everything strictly by the book. I was absolutely stunned at the amount he was being given too. Anyway, that's totally off point, it sounds like it was the Dorito that irritated and caused the choking and I reckon your dad was just feeling bad and taking it out on you.

This sounds a very stressful time for you all. I think many of us have been there when a child has choked (albeit just for a second and no intervention is needed) and it is terrifying. From your point of you, you are following the guidelines, for your father, he probably fed you mush, and was surprised you can feed a baby chunky food. He hasn’t read as much as you, and I know crisps aren’t great, he may have not know the difference as to him they were just little pieces of food. What he said after was awful, but bear in mind tensions were high, he thought his grandchild was going to choke to death and was highly emotional. You also thought your child could choke to death and understandably felt the same emotions. I think you should all reflect that nobody wanted harm to your child, they all wanted the best thing for them, and the love for your child is overwhelming. The way your father acted immediately was surely a good thing, and just communicate how your baby should be fed in the future, in a calm no-blame way, should benefit everyone. Good luck OP, I know from experience how scary this is.

He’s clearly reflecting his own issues onto you and is very controlling… don’t let him eat away at you. His issue not yours! Your daughter is ok. He behaved poorly both in the moment and definitely subsequently with you. You are an adult and of course you love your daughter and are not a crap mum. Ignore his horrible words and see them for what they are - his own anxiety. Not your problem - his!! Xx

I would be angry too in your shoes. Your dad caused her to choke. Yes he rescued her from the choking, but it wouldn’t have happened if he had not given her a dorito! He owes you an apology for trying to blame you for his mistake.

Perhaps he was terrified and that made him react poorly. But he should after he calms down apologise. If he does give you a cold shoulder then I’m sorry but that indicates a level of toxicity and I would be considering limiting my contact with them.

This.
And it’s bizarre behaviour that he first said “you feed her too much.”
It’s as if he’s immediately got to victim blame —- move the responsibility off himself. If it’d been me giving unsuitable food to dgc and she choked I’d have been full of apologies and immediately said it was my stupid fault.
The only thing he did right was the first aid.
I’d limit your time with them. If this is his attitude towards you your dc will soon become aware of it.