Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

137 replies

goodmorningsunny · 23/10/2022 20:20

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

OP posts:
Wiluli · 23/10/2022 22:38

I think it’s nobody’s fault and he just said things and probably knows he is 100% wrong . Just talk with him and tell him it was an accident and he shouldn’t have said what he did to you

Moveoverdarlin · 23/10/2022 22:38

Your Dad was shit scared, he sounds like he completely lost it and was petrified. He knows it was his fault and took it out on you. It’s a classic thing to do immediately after you fuck up. Give them some space, of course it wasn’t your fault and I’m glad you told him it was his. But try and move on and not mention it again.

Houseplantmad · 23/10/2022 22:38

My FIL did the same once but he was mortified and traumatised about what had happened. That is the normal reaction, not how your FIL responded.

purpleme12 · 23/10/2022 22:39

Oh my gosh I thought maybe reading the first bit he was lashing out in fear but then when you said what he said later....

This isn't your fault OP

popcornfrenzy · 23/10/2022 22:39

What stands out for me OP is that you froze with fear - what happens if you're on your own? Maybe get yourself on a first aid course. Your Dad was wrong in giving baby a Dorito - all you crazies saying it's an ok food - it's bloody well not! I BLW both of my 2 and believe it's the safest way as they learn to chew food properly.

My DS choked on a 20p coin that some random man had given him in his buggy - apparently he was a local gypsy and was crossing my sons palm with silver. I didn't even see him give it to him. Yep, I turned him upside down and shook until whatever he was choking on came out. My son was about 12 months old at the time - I did whatever was necessary to stop him choking and I'm a trained first-aider. So whilst your Dad did cause it - it also solved it...I would be asking for an apology from him.

Vegay · 23/10/2022 22:40

@ThatGirlInACountrySong I'm intrigued to know what you were taught.

I was taught baby should be slightly inverted as it changes the gravity for the stuck object. Then five back blows. Yes, you would reduce the pressure compared to an adult, but you still give back blows. Then, turn over, still slightly inverted and give 2 chest thrusts.

So yes, the baby is slightly 'upside down' and being 'hit'. For someone going off instinct, turning the child upside down is a great thing to do.

Main focus here is dislodging object so baby can breathe. I'd rather possibly break bones and cause bruising than be worried about someone thinking I was 'hitting' a child.

Cruisebabe1 · 23/10/2022 22:42

greenlampcat · 23/10/2022 21:23

OP- tell him to FO and not project on you. He is an abusive arse by making you feel bad when he was the one who put your child at risk. I seriously would take today as a learning point and minimise contact if he is making you feel insecure and question your parenting skills when it is not your fault. He is gaslighting you - even if it's because it's because it's because he feels awful that's no excuse - he is manipulative. Give yourself from space from him

This!! Keep your distance for a while , your dad sounds a right idiot.

cansu · 23/10/2022 22:43

He was obviously frightened and deflected the blame. He needs to apologise for being so unpleasant. He no doubt didn't mean any harm when giving her the crisp but has had a nasty shock. Your reaction should depend on whether he is normally a dick.

otherwayup · 23/10/2022 22:47

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 23/10/2022 20:22

He needs to go on a first aid course

Never would I dangle a kid upside down and hit them in the back!

I work in early years and saved a child's life using that exact technique.
It was over 20 years ago but still haunts me.

I suggest you educate yourself before jumping on a thread to give pointless and incorrect 'advice'

Hope you're ok op Flowers

katepilar · 23/10/2022 22:51

I hate this. I think its basically the same principal that my father uses - blame everyone around him when he needs to let the steam off. I know they do it because they are severely traumatised but the effect it has on the people they channel it to is also really bad.
YOu havent done anything wrong, he did. Sorry you are being put in situations like this. Must have been very frightening when your baby choked.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 22:53

October2020 · 23/10/2022 21:22

Tortilla chips are in the top 10 choking hazards and not recommended until 4. You were all very scared. When you've all calmed down, have a chat and maybe review the top 10 list together.

This doesn’t surprise me. All the comments about crisps being fine are missing the point. Doritos are a completely different consistency than baby crisps or a packet of standard crisps, both of which melt unlike tortilla chips.

DelurkingLawyer · 23/10/2022 23:01

So glad your LO is ok. The issue isn’t the Dorito (and there seems to be a difference of vie as to whether it’s ok, so his mistake is understandable). It’s the gaslighting DARVO reaction. “You feed her too much” - what the actual fuck? And “You have to be responsible”?!! It’s not like some random in the local park had given it to her. He did it. Understandable to say something mad in the heat of the moment when he was panicking and upset. Taking you aside later and repeating his blaming of you is not on. He needs telling. My dad was the same. Nothing was ever his fault.

Herejustforthisone · 23/10/2022 23:08

Your father is a cunt.

Jaem23 · 23/10/2022 23:19

You are absolutely NTA! Is his comment in regards to ‘feeding too much’ linked to BLW? We’ve had a few comments along the way but we try our best to ignore and do what we know is best for our little one. I do think it’s a little bit of a generational thing- my mum has been amazing but found the concept hard at first! He obviously thought if she could have fruits, she could have a Dorito and like everyone else has said, he reacted out of fear. However, it is absolutely not ok to shame and blame you. I’d be seeking an apology and educating him on why BLW is so beneficial WHEN the proper foods are given. Good luck and you’re doing amazing mumma!

TheNestedIf · 23/10/2022 23:21

How dare he get angry and blame you for an accident he caused?

Use the time whilst they're giving you the cold shoulder to consider whether you really need a relationship with someone who would rather make you feel bad about yourself than take responsibility for their own actions.

Personally, I wouldn't be seeing him again without an acknowledgement that the accident was all down to him, and a grovelling apology for trying to shift guilt onto you.

BananaCocktails · 23/10/2022 23:21

He got scared and reacted
the things he said indicated there is more going on than this one off incident
why does he think you feed her too much
have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel , so you can draw a line under this

BananaCocktails · 23/10/2022 23:24

Btw How do you know it was the Dorito that made her choke ., seems unlikely

she may have choked on something that was already in her mouth .

Justkidding55 · 23/10/2022 23:30

He obviously was not thinking or behaving rationally due to the trauma of the situation. I’m sure he’s learnt and I would try to understand he’s a human and he did the right thing in the end. Try and draw a line under it if you can

LoveAutumnColours · 23/10/2022 23:32

Please forgive yourself as you did no wrong. You know it was your father. I think it was his guilt trying to blame you.

Perhaps use his words to help you in the future. Use this experience to demand, on every o vacuum, thst no one but you and your DH are to give DC anything to eat. That others sneaking food to her caused her to choke with nearly dire consequences,

you’re not at fault.

kateandme · 23/10/2022 23:37

I think if this is unusual for your dad and your two relationship then I’d put it down to him being traumatised.from what he went on to say he sounds like he been scared and his thoughts spiralled and has reacted in that angry crying terrified way.
and in these instances it is very common and normal for our brains to seek blame,explaining and a way to vent.
mif this isn’t normal go talk to him.don’t accuse or blame just sit him down and say “dad can we talk about the other day.are you ok?I no we were all terrified.”
but this isn’t on you being a shit mum at all.

Frezia · 23/10/2022 23:52

DelurkingLawyer · 23/10/2022 23:01

So glad your LO is ok. The issue isn’t the Dorito (and there seems to be a difference of vie as to whether it’s ok, so his mistake is understandable). It’s the gaslighting DARVO reaction. “You feed her too much” - what the actual fuck? And “You have to be responsible”?!! It’s not like some random in the local park had given it to her. He did it. Understandable to say something mad in the heat of the moment when he was panicking and upset. Taking you aside later and repeating his blaming of you is not on. He needs telling. My dad was the same. Nothing was ever his fault.

Mine too. Don't take this shit from him. He nearly killed your child and he accused you of doing it! What a disgusting thing to say to your own daughter.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 23/10/2022 23:54

At 10 months old my son was sat in his jumper on. My eldest passed him something in the 30 seconds I went to grab a bottle thinking he was safe. He choked. I was home alone with them and the only way I got through that event was by telling myself this is not my child. I was on the phone to 999 and it was all I kept saying. It was something I picked up working in childcare and truly believe had I allowed my self to know in that moment it was my baby he would not be here as I would of froze. You did nothing wrong. I would have it out with your father. Tell him had he not almost killed your daughter she would not have needed saving. Also your husband was dealing with it but he had to step in. That was about him trying to make himself feel better. I would be vary wary of having him around your child until he can admit he was wrong. If he kicks off I would say that his right I need to do better and not trusting him around my child is me doing better. He was the danger here not you

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 24/10/2022 00:22

Tell him had he not almost killed your daughter she would not have needed saving

I mean sure, if you want next to no relationship going forward you could do this…

billy1966 · 24/10/2022 08:56

lottiegarbanzo · 23/10/2022 21:47

I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

This part is just really, really odd.

OP, your father was very wrong.

You may be in a FOG situation because him verbally attacking you and blaming you, is NOT a normal response to shock.

It is the response of a nasty abusive person.

So now you expect to be punished for it?

You clearly are in an abusive dynamic with your father, and mother, if she too will try and punish you.

Your father could have killed your child and his go to response is to abuse you.

That is NOT shock, that is really fxxked up.

Have you ever reflected on your relationship with them?

Have you ever had counselling?

Did you feel loved, cared for, respected and valued by them growing up?

I think you need to have a good hard look at your relationship and step very far back while you do.

I wouldn't want a man like that anywhere near my child.

Aprenderespanol · 24/10/2022 10:11

Or maybe rather than jumping to over the top conclusions, its possible that her dad just felt that the baby led weaning approach is dangerous, was upset and lashed out and they could all make friends and move on like a nice happy family.
The over the top reactions in light of so little information is staggering and harmful.