To be angry at my dad after daughter choked?

[goodmorningsunny]

I had lunch at my parents'. I was feeding my 9mo little bits of soft fruit, she had lots of little bits on her tray. While I was distracted, my dad broke a bit of Dorito off and gave it to her.

She started to choke. Really choke.

I froze in fear. My husband pulled her out of the high chair and my dad pulled her off him, turned her upside down and smacked her hard on the back. Out came the crisp.

My dad shouted "you feed her too much!" Through angry tears and stormed off.

As I was about to leave, he pulled me to the side and angrily said "you know, I saved your daughters life today. It will tear this family apart if she dies. You have to change how you feed her or she will die and it will kill us". He was angry crying. I did tell him that it was him that gave her the thing she choked on and I can't control when other people give her food when I'm not looking but he just said that she was my responsibility and I can't just blame other people.

I'm really sad about this. It's made me feel like a shit mum. It's made me feel like he thinks I don't care about her.

Honestly opinions, was this my fault? Im really doubting myself because of how angry he got. I do know the baby first aid but in the moment, I froze. I'm just so devastated by this and I know my parents are going to give me the cold shoulder for a while now :(

There's nothing wrong with food like Doritos.

Children can eat anything from 6 Months except whole nuts, honey and raw shellfish.

Well your df was talking to you but he was referring to himself because he knows he was in the wrong.
If my parent fed my 9month old a very hard, crunchy Dorito he’d be told not to interfere in future.

The way you feed your baby had nothing to do with her choking. That was all on him. He knows this, deep down. He is just deflecting the blame onto you because he cannot handle the thought of what could have happened because of his actions.

Has he reacted this way before? In terms of blaming other people for his errors?

OP sounds like everyone was upset and in shock. Give it a few days and hopefully everyone can move past this.

Tortilla chips are in the top 10 choking hazards and not recommended until 4. You were all very scared. When you've all calmed down, have a chat and maybe review the top 10 list together.

This is what I was wondering as well?

OP- tell him to FO and not project on you. He is an abusive arse by making you feel bad when he was the one who put your child at risk. I seriously would take today as a learning point and minimise contact if he is making you feel insecure and question your parenting skills when it is not your fault. He is gaslighting you - even if it's because it's because it's because he feels awful that's no excuse - he is manipulative. Give yourself from space from him

People are being way ott about a piece of a Dorito
The chances of it occluding the airway and causing death is practically non existent
I've never known a child choke to death on a crisp. Fruit- yes,meat even mashed potato but not a slither of a crisp and I've been an a&e nurse for many years
It sounds terrifying all the drama and upset of it all and the blaming of each other

He was wrong and projecting. He owes you an apology.

But if you're doing baby led weaning then you should go on a first aid course because it needs to become second nature to react appropriately if your DD is choking.

The strange thing is... baby led weaning goes against my principles yet a piece of Dorito...

My daughter choked at eight months.
She stopped breathing. Went blue . Then went limp. I actually said goodbye to her. No amount of smacking, then banging on her back helped.

Resorted to hanging her upside down by her ankles and slamming her .
Nothing.

Went onto the front drive, screaming at the top of my voice, still slamming her back. Didn't care that I'd break her ribs.

Neighbour came out and stuck her finger in my daughter's throat. I screamed at her to stop as , wisdom at the time said it was the worst thing to do. Another neighbour called an ambulance.
Lucky that we were, an ambulance came very quickly as the station was at the end of my road. My neighbour managed to hoik out the piece of cheese from my daughter's throat as the ambulance arrived.

Oh the sound she made!

Off to hospital for chest x-rays.

She was fine ... I wasn't!

This was grated cheese . It balled up in her mouth.

Anything can cause a choking incident.

Your dad was scared. Give him some slack.

A Dorito wasn't great but even cut up grapes, grated cheese and mince can make a child choke. All of us have choked at some point.

I am a trained first aider, that was oretry much the perfect thing to do. Out of interest what would you have done?

It worked didn't it 🙄. I think he achieved the end goal

This.
Young children are allowed crisps

everyone was just really stressed because you all love the baby

According to what list? I’ve just googled and looked at several pages and not one of them says tortillas.

Grapes, popcorn, apples, nuts, seeds, lumps of peanut butter, marshmallows, hard sweets, raw veg are all commonly listed.

Eh? He gave her the crisp, in fact I read halfway down and had to go back up to make sure it was HIM who gave her the dorrito.

Is he a bit weird your dad? I don't mean to be cruel saying that, but his response is very weird. Firstly, I'd ask a parent if I could give their child something to eat, secondly, even if I'd saved that child's life, I'd be extremely apologetic - it was a consequence of his actions.

You did nothing wrong, even freezing. I'm pretty sure you would've dealt with it had you been on your own.

It shouldn't be you who is concerned about the cold shoulder in this case.

If dad is usually pretty reasonable I’d assume that he was just in shock/terrified/guilty.

I also wonder whether he saw you breaking up pieces of food and giving them to her and he just figured he was doing what you were without really thinking about the fact that it was a crisp. Perhaps he weaned you using traditional methods so hasn’t had to gauge the appropriateness of different foods. And so has blamed the method rather than his actions if you see what I mean. Especially if you’ve had to talk him round to the approach.

For a loving dad/grandad I’d work on just moving past it.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.mother.ly/toddler/toddler-nutrition/food-choking-hazard-for-toddlers/%3famp=1
www.yummytoddlerfood.com/how-to-prevent-toddler-choking/
JT's law - child choking food prevention act on Facebook
www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=tips-to-lower-toddlers-choking-risks-1-24081
www.cdc.gov/nutrition/infantandtoddlernutrition/foods-and-drinks/choking-hazards.html
solidstarts.com/foods/tortilla/

Would you like me to keep going?

He knows he did wrong, he was panicked and overreacted. It was his fault, never let him near food her together. Tell him he never feeds her again.

@goodmorningsunny It's very very frightening when a very young child has difficulty breathing. My DD stopped breathing aged 7 weeks. I'm still not over the experience 13 years later! The hospital had a pediatric first aider come to the home to train me on CPR / first aid afterwards. What your Dad did was spot on. Anyone who says different has no clue and would do well to educate themselves. A bit of dorito is also not a chocking hazard..

Your father's reaction doesn't surprise me I'm not saying it's right, or an appropriate way to behave but when faced with a threat to life people react from a visceral place. Having been there I can understand it. I'd suggest you all cut yourselves some slack and in your shoes I'd be calling my Dad tomorrow to resolve this. Blame has no place in experiences like this, gratitude does.

@October2020

Are you on commission for these American websites?

In the UK we go by the NHS weaning advice which is different.

Lol I wish, I really could use some more money.

You choose to do what you like, I choose to use the information that is available to make sensible decisions to protect my child in the best way I can. She isn't going to hate me when she grows up because I didn't let her eat tortilla chips until she was 4. But I would never forgive myself if she choked on something (or worse) because a woman on mumsnet told me that we don't follow the information because it's American 😒

I wouldn't have considered a bit of dorito a choking hazard (any more than anything else), but who on earth thinks that's an acceptable food for a baby. Yes he was upset but he was completely in the wrong and should never have spoken to you like that. Could you speak to your mum and tell her you're very upset but will accept a sincere apology?

@October2020 still in the PFB stage then?

When I was a kid we took my newly widowed Grandpa. who was a GP, on holiday with us. He was sitting between me and my younger brother on the back seat of the car and my parents gave us a boiled sweet. My brother started to choke on it, but we were on the French motorway and there was nothing my parents could do. My Grandpa turned my brother upside down in a moving car and whacked him on the back and the sweet came flying out. Pretty damn sure he did the correct thing and he saved my brother's life...

What a strange thing to say. Truly bizarre.