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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hard to see her in same way

136 replies

Perditanoy · 23/10/2022 17:02

I have a friend I've known for about a decade. Met at uni. Lots in common.

After uni we never lived close by but caught up on text every few months and saw each other periodically. She had the same boyfriend for years but was always so adamant she'd never get married or have kids. Very career-oriented, did loads of travelling and had great hobbies.

I really came to admire her stance and honesty on the marriage and kids thing as she wasn't afraid to say it wasn't for her despite the usual societal pressures. It was refreshing. She was quite clear on all her reasons for her views and we had many conversations about it. It wasn't necessarily going to be the path I took but I loved having a proudly independent female friend who wasn't pining to get married and have babies and was going to do it her way. I really looked up to her.

Then a few years ago just before lockdown, her and her partner bought a house. For legal reasons they then decided to marry given their new situation with the property (they live abroad). It was a closed door wedding and she had no fuss or even family attend. Just one witness. Fair enough. Owning property sometimes means marriage is a better option for tax/ inheritance reasons.

I saw her around this time and she was still 100% no on kids however. Her partner didn't agree though and they'd had a lot of arguments about it.

Then last year she got pregnant and has since had a kid. I found out via social media and she never let me know directly. I called to congratulate her of course but she seemed quite sheepish about it, almost embarrassed. She mentioned relatives that had trouble getting pregnant and were desperate for kids yet she hadn't been and it all happened easily.

Since then we've had occasional contact but not as much and usually about things related to hobbies. I asked a couple of baby questions but she never answered. It's fair to say we've drifted, also due to post-lockdown and living so far away. I'm OK with this as I know friendships can change but I've been reflecting on how she did a 180 on things she seemed so against all the time I knew her. Maybe I never really knew her at all?

I know people change their minds, life moves on, situations crop up so there's no judgement of her about any of this.

But for so long I saw her as the cool independent one. I put her on a pedestal and I admired her resistance to doing what is expected of every woman in society. And she was so adamant for years that that life wasn't for her. So her change of heart did come as a real shock and I guess it was hard to see her in the same way. I honestly never thought she'd change her mind as she holds very strong opinions and convictions.

Aibu to have been so shocked that she changed her mind and did what everyone else does or should I never have believed her in the first place and put her on such a pedestal?

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 23/10/2022 17:07

i have friends who’ve decided not to have children - I’ve never particularly admired them or put them on a pedestal. It’s good they know what they want, and it’s great we live in a time and place where they can make that choice. I find it a little odd you’re so admiring of this stance?

and it’s really really common for people to change their mind on this issue as they get older, regardless of how strongly and sincerely they felt that way previously. I wouldn’t judge/be surprised that she changed her mind.

if she’s sounding sheepish/defensive and dodging questions about the baby that suggests she knows you admired the child-free stance.

so tbh I think your attitude to all this is a little odd!

takealettermsjones · 23/10/2022 17:08

Your attitude to her is a bit weird to be perfectly honest. She changed her mind. There's nothing else to it than that.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 23/10/2022 17:09

Can people not change?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 23/10/2022 17:10

Your attitude towards her wanting to be single and chidfree was odd.

Your attitude now, because she changed her mind, is also odd.

Maybe stop hero worshipping people 🤷🏻‍♀️

ptsdmum · 23/10/2022 17:10

People are entitled to change their mind, I think maybe she feels like you're judging her change of heart and that has created the distance between you

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/10/2022 17:11

What's odd about this is not her changing her mind but you putting her on a pedestal because of her stance and then being annoyed your idol tumbled from it. And TBH, you seem a bit over-invested in her choices.

Original poster
Perditanoy · 23/10/2022 17:11

It wasn't so much the child free stance, it was more that she seemed to know exactly what she wanted and didn't want and wasn't afraid to say it.

I had much lower self esteem in my 20s so I was probably overly captivated by someone able to speak their mind and probably admired it more than normal.

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 23/10/2022 17:14

But surely she did what she wanted then and she's doing what she wants now?

waterwitch · 23/10/2022 17:15

Gosh, that was me! Then I had dc, and I’m so pleased I did. I only ever saw the wailing/tantrums/nappy changing/impingement on your choices side. Of course there’s all that, plus the utter joy and love, laughing and general silliness of being a parent. I’m so glad I changed my mind. I hope your friend is making similar discoveries! I hope she feels able to share that with you as time goes on

HeadNorth · 23/10/2022 17:15

I find your investment in this other woman’s life choices quite odd. How she lives her life doesn’t effect you at all. She has changed an developed as her life has moved on - it is more unusual to cling desperately to decisions you made as a youth, people change as they mature and start to want different things from life.

Sunshinebug · 23/10/2022 17:17

What you want at 20 and later in life can utterly shift. Doesn’t mean you’re selling out or not still independent.

NewMeforthemillionthtime · 23/10/2022 17:19

People change their minds all the time. I was adamant I never wanted kids until after 17 years together, I accidentally fell pregnant and then miscarried. After that we planned and had our dc.

I find it odd that you put her on a pedestal tbh.

SchoolOfGoodAndEvil · 23/10/2022 17:21

She grew up, changed, her priorities and the things she wanted change. This happens to 99% of people. Most people are not the idealistic, opinionated young things they were post university.

I’m surprised you are surprised or feel strongly about it.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 23/10/2022 17:23

I can understand that you admired her attitude when you were younger but I think you are old enough now that it’s unreasonable to be shocked that somebody changed their mind about what they want in life.
If you think it’s better not to get married and have kids, just don’t do it (unless you already have).
I don’t really understand why you think it was so great that she’d sworn off marriage and kids anyway tbh, lots of people don’t these days. It’s not like years and years ago when it was a big deal.

Rainbowcat99 · 23/10/2022 17:23

I'm not surprised your friendship has drifted. How awful for her having to be embarrassed by her own child.
She had strong views as a 20 year old. Then life changed and she changed with it, all fine!
People don't belong on pedestals, sooner or later they all fall off.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/10/2022 17:24

I can't believe you wrote an essay about your feelings of shock that someone can change their mind, outlook and personality as their life evolves. Confused

MichelleScarn · 23/10/2022 17:25

Perditanoy · 23/10/2022 17:11

It wasn't so much the child free stance, it was more that she seemed to know exactly what she wanted and didn't want and wasn't afraid to say it.

I had much lower self esteem in my 20s so I was probably overly captivated by someone able to speak their mind and probably admired it more than normal.

So she's still doing what she wants? Frankly it's sounds a bit scary and obsessive your focus on her life choices. Do you think a married woman and a mother can't be a strong, independent woman?

Marchitectmummy · 23/10/2022 17:26

People grow and change, we aren't born the people we become. She's changed, simple as that. I didn't want children at all, had one in early 30s by late 30s we both loved it so much we had 5. Same as your friend we were / are very career minded however having q family and being string independent career minded woman do not have to be mutually exclusive the two can align.

Have to say I do find it your attachment to your friends life choices a bit strange. They are her choices, not yours and not shared.

MichelleScarn · 23/10/2022 17:27

And maybe she's not embarrassed about her child or hiding her life choices rather she finds you a bit unnerving if she's aware of how much you pedestaled her? (Is pedestaled a word?!)

GodInventedAmazon · 23/10/2022 17:31

What an odd thing to post about. I wouldn't give it a second thought

Signeduptosimplyreplytothis · 23/10/2022 17:33

This is very much a you problem not a her problem. Fwiw I've had 2 relationships with men who were vehemently anti marriage - both proposed to me. Everyone has that person that is capable of making them change, it sounds like she has met her one, be happy for her.

SmileyClare · 23/10/2022 17:35

Is it that you have the same opinion as her previous stance on marriage and children and she made you feel validated? An ally with the same views as you?

You can still admire her ability to speak her opinion.
I can see why you’re a bit bewildered by her choices, if she was so adamant and vocal about her life path.

She must feel a bit embarrassed to admit she misjudged how she would feel when she met a partner.

Did her absolute resistance to marriage and dc influence your own choices?

Crunchymum · 23/10/2022 17:42

I can't see your issue here at all.

She changed her mind.

Sounds like the reason she didn't share her change of heart is because she knows how much importance you place on her being unmarried and child free.

The burning question here is why? Why does her marital status and stance on children have such baring on you and your friendship?

I assume you are unmarried and childfree @Perditanoy do you like you have lost a comrade?

Crunchymum · 23/10/2022 17:43

Do you feel like you have lost a comrade?*

Caroffee · 23/10/2022 17:45

You should never have put her on the pedestal. I do this with friends and am always disappointed when they reveal different, less admirable sides to their characters. We're all human with faults and flaws.