Should you date again as a single parent?

[SpinningFloppa]

What’s your thoughts on single parents dating again? Every time I mention dating I get met with a lot of negativity, “oh don’t bother” “just stay single” “OLD is hell just be happy on your own” should single parents not look for love again? Should they wait until their kids have grown up and moved out? Also hear a lot of women saying if they broke up with their partner they would stay single and not meet another man again, but would they really? What’s do you really think about single parents dating again?

That’s fine that you don’t want to, that wasn’t the point though, no one would tell a single dad no one would want him now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

A few of us who are single parents have said we don't either.

I've been separated 5 yrs 2 DC (5 and 7). I havent dated. I have the DC, 24/7 apart from a few hours one day a week. Generally, I'm happy on my own, I always have been. I can't see HOW I would date. I wouldn't want to introduce a new man too quickly, so logistically it's impossible.

I actually can't imagine being in a relationship again, and definitely not living with someone. No way at all would i marry again.

I'm.amazed at how quickly new partners are introduced to DC, I guess by those who are not happy alone

Oh and I'm 45.

again not the point, unless you are in the situation you don’t really know how you would feel especially years down the line.

Well, no. But I am in that situation, and have been for 14 years.

I said that- and was married less than 3 years after separating from my ex husband 😂

Your need to ensure you understand how dating works now, it's changed, there are a lot more rules, it's less easy going

Please can you explain, what does this mean? @MrsMontyD

I'm a lone parent and my DS is nearly 10 and I only dated once for about 2 months when he was about 2. I'm very happily single. I've absolutely no desire to date.

This is part of the issue for me. I know I'm vulnerable because of traumatic experiences.

I would not ever consider a blended family as research shows that in almost all cases it impacts the children very negatively. I would not consider living with anybody while my children live here still (both are in early primary school) for the same reasons. They have been through a lot with family separation and this is their home as much as mine. I wouldn't let them invite someone else to move in so why should they have to put up with that! I'd also never entangle finances again and risk my children's security, or my own.

Perhaps it would be possible to meet a divorced Dad who would want a similar setup: keeping family lives totally separate. But most people in my social circles have not reached first divorce stage yet (I am under 40 and the only single parent of a child in both DCs' classes, for example - not that I'd consider dating the parent of a child in either one's class obviously even if they were single!!! But just that people are all still coupled up mostly).

A man my age who has no children would be highly unlikely to understand that I have limited time to see anybody, particularly as I am a lone parent so any dates involve a babysitter and no man would be coming to my house with my children here, even if they are asleep. If a man with no children wanted children, that's a no from me. Not having any more, I am focusing on the ones I have. If they didn't want children they'd be even less likely to understand the above and also somebody I would probably have little in common with as family life is everything to me.

So thinking about the situations of other potential partners and what would work, it is going to limit a single mother's dating pool significantly. That's not to say it's impossible.

Fortunately all of this is immaterial in my case as I have no desire for a relationship. I am too busy and also love being single and my own company. But of course, not everybody feels like that. And one day I may feel differently, when my children are much, much older and less vulnerable (and demanding!). If I really wanted to date I could, but would keep it entirely separate to my children's lives and be very careful about weeding out anybody unsuitable. It would have to be somebody met by chance or through mutual friends, not through OLD.

And I am certain that - while in the future I may want a relationship again - I will never live with someone again. So much nicer to have your own space and home and see someone only when you want to, and keep a relationship fun and only about enjoying time together, not domestic drudgery and petty stuff about housework and people being annoying. And taking up half of your bed!! No thanks. 🤣

That would also mean that you don't end up in the awful situations I read about here so much, where life is miserable/ someone is unpleasant/ lazy/ horrible/ the relationship has just run its course but you're stuck living with them because of financial entanglements or whatever. It would mean that when it stops making you happy, you can end it. No having to worry about losing your home etc. I don't get the attraction of living with another adult again, at all.

Oh for pity's sake.

Why not just come out with all men are evil and predators?

Yes, definitely this

So, back in the days when I was single before I was married, so 20++ years ago, you'd meet someone and go on a date and it was reasonable to expect that they wouldn't be dating anyone else, if it went well you were in a relationship and that was pretty much that, certainly where I lived.

Now there's a phase of "talking" where you're just texting/messaging/maybe phoning this is very casual, you might then start dating, this is still be casual and zero commitment, then you might have a conversation and agree that you are exclusively dating, only at this point can you reasonably expect that the other person isn't seeing other people and you need to have had an actual conversation, you can't assume you're at this stage, then if that goes well you move into another conversation where you agree you are in a relationship.

Clearly not everyone does it exactly like this, but, it's important to understand that a man who has been actively dating for a few years may expect things to progress in this way and so you need to talk to him about it, there's definitely more expectation of open conversation now, which is good, people want to know exactly where they stand.

There's no good rushing headlong into things expecting your new man not to be seeing other women if you've not had that conversation and therefore he believes you're just casually dating. I've seen lots of friends come unstuck when they venture out into the modern dating scene thinking things still work like they did in the late 90s.

I think you need to be wise to the fact that a) single mothers are often targeted by predators and you need to be very careful and b) it is very hard to blend families and very rarely in the children’s interests. Otherwise be safe and crack on.

Now there's a phase of "talking" where you're just texting/messaging/maybe phoning this is very casual, you might then start dating, this is still be casual and zero commitment, then you might have a conversation and agree that you are exclusively dating, only at this point can you reasonably expect that the other person isn't seeing other people and you need to have had an actual conversation, you can't assume you're at this stage, then if that goes well you move into another conversation where you agree you are in a relationship.

Thank you for answering @MrsMontyD

This sounds totally exhausting and extremely unromantic! The idea of someone dating more than one person at a time itself gives me the ick and I'd end it just for that. But then I'd not date anybody I didn't feel a strong attraction to and that I believed had a strong enough attraction to me to spend a period of time exploring just that and not seeing other people. Yuk. I can see how with people meeting strangers on OLD it might be different but surely if you meet someone in an organic way that it all just so transactional and almost turning the natural development of a relationship into some kind of contractual situation? That would instantly make me go cold.

Very succinct way to put it and I agree.

When I separated from my ex in my late 30s, I said that I would never get into another relationship. I really meant it at the time, but I can see now that what I meant was that I never wanted to be in another relationship like that again. Not even because it was awful - it wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible either until the end - but another relationship like that wouldn't be worth the effort needed to start and maintain it.

Then I met someone who is utterly lovely and, although it's difficult to find time together because my DC live 50/50 between XH and me and my boyfriend is the resident parent of his DC, it is worth it. The quality of the relationship is worth the effort. But it wouldn't be right for our DC for us to move in together and blend families. It might be possible when just our respective younger ones are still permanently at home. But even then, I'd be wary of older DC feeling pushed out.

When you date and have children, if you get into a serious relationship then you have to consider everyone involved. I think some of the "it's not worth it" type of comment are about the effort, finding time to date when you have DC, the complicated relationships with partners and DC, etc.

One positive for me is that XH and I did not model a healthy, loving relationship and I wouldn't want the DC to think our marriage was normal. It's a good thing they occasionally get to see me in an equal partnership with someone.

It depends what you want and whether you meet someone who is worth working through all the complications for.

I'm married second time around. He is wonderful with my DD from my first marriage. I dated A LOT. I had loads of fun then decided I would be single for a while and then met him and we got married after 16 months. I think you know better second time around!

As long as dating doesn't affect your DC I see no issue. I was lucky though and had shared care with my ex so could date without it impacting on my DD. Don't know how people do it when they have the child 24/7 or 1 night off a week!

I am so glad you are happy but "you know better second time around" is clearly untrue given the fact that research proves that the biggest risk to children is having an unrelated male moving into their home, so clearly that doesn't work out so happily for many people (including me as a child).

I am really glad to hear you are happy though. But to me, marrying someone and presumably then moving them in with your children when you have known them 16 months in unconscionable. I wouldn't even introduce them to children at that stage. You can't know someone properly in 16 months. You were lucky it turned out ok, but it could not have, very easily. That is a HUGE risk to take, and the difference when a parent is that it's not just your risk.

@StarfishBrain It worked for me, in as much as I didn't want to throw myself straight into a relationship with anyone, I wanted to go on some first and second dates and slowly dip my toe into the dating pond, so being able to talk to a few men at once, without having to feel bad about it was ok. When I started seeing DP and wanted to be exclusive I spoke to him about it and we both knew where we stood.

I think things are less romantic generally when you're a bit older and you've both been married and divorced and have dc to consider. When you're young and in love and buying a house together you don't usually don't have to think about protecting your dc's inheritance, when you're older and have assets and you've been burned before its very different.

But that seems to be conflating two things: firstly, that if somebody is worth going on more than one date with it should be implicit in that that you are giving that your full attention. Otherwise it's just insulting. Things then progress, or not. And yes people should communicate about that as it happens but having some set structure about having to have specific conversations to define the relationship is just such an enormous turn off that it would definitely give me the ick. I mean, if there's chemistry and you're both developing feelings and then somebody says "should we be exclusive then?" that means they are unsure whether to continue dating other people, or have been up until feelings are supposedly this developed (which to me, means they aren't, because otherwise why would they even be doing that?!). Just gives me the total ick.

Developing a romantic and eventually committed relationship can be totally separate though - for years or forever - from combining finances or involving DC. I agree with you that that part should be taken much more seriously by all separated parents. And much more slowly than many do it, if at all (it isn't required!).

The two things are not related, though.

@StarfishBrain the biggest risk to dc is their own dad. I really don't understand why this myth has taken hold on MN.

Why would you not. You only live once and it’s your life. I dated as a single mum and met my now dp we have. 6 year old son together. Do what makes you happy, have fun but do not let anyone tell you what to do!! X

** this myth about step parents harming dc has taken hold on MN. It is more likely a parent rather than a step parent will harm their child.

@CatchersAndDreams i must admit I think that in the list of ideal situations it would go two parents living together, one stable parent, blended families.

There are lots of cases where a single mother (it usually is a woman) meets someone and he ends up being a father figure in every way, I know a few who have even adopted the children from the first relationship if the dad isn’t involved at all. It can work brilliantly.

But I do think it’s good to be aware. In the same way I’m aware of dangers when I drive, it doesn’t mean I don’t drive, it just means I proceed with knowledge.

I don’t think there’s much point to this thread as the OP just wants an argument but that’s meant generally not specifically.