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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should you date again as a single parent?

142 replies

SpinningFloppa · 23/10/2022 16:40

What’s your thoughts on single parents dating again? Every time I mention dating I get met with a lot of negativity, “oh don’t bother” “just stay single” “OLD is hell just be happy on your own” should single parents not look for love again? Should they wait until their kids have grown up and moved out? Also hear a lot of women saying if they broke up with their partner they would stay single and not meet another man again, but would they really? What’s do you really think about single parents dating again?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 23/10/2022 16:44

It is up to you, if you want to date again.

Ducksinthebath · 23/10/2022 16:47

You’re conflating two issues. The quality of men on online dating sites is nothing to do with whether single parent a should date or form relationships.

singlemomof3 · 23/10/2022 16:47

Interested in the answer to this. I'm recently single after 10 years marriage together 20. I'm not 40 yet. I feel too young to be single but when I've mentioned about when I might be appropriate to start dating again I'm met with horror. My 3 children are 5 and under.
I don't want to be on my own for the next 15 years.

But at the same time don't know about ever having a "normal" relationship again and that makes me sad. I can't imagine me wanting to bring anyone full time around my children or whether any man Would even want to?. And how do I even fit someone in when I'm practically a full time parent (dad sees them every little) I've got so much love to give the right person

Everyone tries to put me off about OLD being awful, men only out for one thing, none of the good ones being left available blah blah blah.

Im going to give it a go in the new year with low to zero expectations and see what happens.

Sunnyqueen · 23/10/2022 16:48

I wont be dating till my kids are older, got another 10 years minimum of being single that means but I am genuinely happy with that.

ChocolateTea · 23/10/2022 16:48

It’s entirely up to you whether you date again or not. Dating doesn’t mean introducing to your kids or moving them into your home

i dated for about four years when my kids were young. They had no clue. I dated when they were with their dad or my mum. I met DP and dated him for three months before they knew of him (and their dad told them) and they met him after four months or so. He moved in 6 years later, because that worked for us.

dating can be fun. If you go out to meet people, have company etc and not go out looking for a new husband or replacement father figure.

Sunnyqueen · 23/10/2022 16:49

And yeah OLD is horrific I had an absolutely horrendous, traumatic experience so never, ever again.

Spicycurry · 23/10/2022 16:49

I think you do have to tread quite carefully.

This is in no way a comment on anyones individual circumstances, but statistically, the most dangerous thing you can do is to bring an unrelated male into your child’s home. That’s not to say don’t do it, it’s just I think being aware of it is important.

I also think that it can be very difficult to really blend families successfully. Again, I know some do, but it’s not a straightforward process.

MrsMontyD · 23/10/2022 16:50

It's a personal choice, I waited a couple of years before I started dating, it depends on so many things. You will get more set in your ways and your routine the longer you start single, so fitting in a new partner, sharing a home gets trickier. It's also harder to meet someone the older you get. At the same time, it's important not to rush into anything, I've seen lots of friends go straight into a new relationship rather than be on their own and it rarely works out.

There's no answer but your own.

Beezknees · 23/10/2022 16:53

Single parent here for the past 14 years and haven't had a serious relationship.

I have DATED casually but I wouldn't personally introduce a stepfamily situation, move a man in, etc. I rarely ever hear stories of stepfamilies where the children are happy, it's usually something that's forced onto them by the parents. Also I like my independence, my home is mine and I don't want a man to have access to my finances, etc.

I don't need a relationship to be happy anyway.

Doggiedoodoos · 23/10/2022 16:53

Personal choice. I waited till my youngest was 12 before putting myself out there again and currently in the happiest relationship I have ever been in.

MrsMontyD · 23/10/2022 16:55

@SpinningFloppa You've not said how old you are or how old you're dc are.

I'm my case if I'd have waited for my dc to be 18 I'm have been starting dating at nearly 50 having been single for almost 10 years and facing the prospect of being completely on my own. I wanted to be in a relationship (didn't and still don't need to be in one) but wanted plenty of time to find the right person (have a few disasters) and establish a relationship, after over 4 years I still don't live with DP which works fine for us.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/10/2022 16:58

I think when you’re a parent it’s less about you wanting to date and whether you’re genuinely able to do so and still put your children first. I’ve read endless MN threads where it’s patently clear many parents can’t or don’t. For every child who really likes or even loves their step parent and any step siblings, there are just as many who at best tolerate them because they’ve no other choice and at worst are miserable in the family with a step parent who clearly dislikes them. Many single parents think they’ve done a good job of blending their new relationship and their children when the reality is anything but and the parents would rather stick their heads in the sand about it.

That’s not to say that single parent shouldn’t date or try to find a new relationship; just that many don’t do seem to do of very well and they owe it to their children to do better.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 23/10/2022 16:58

Ducksinthebath · 23/10/2022 16:47

You’re conflating two issues. The quality of men on online dating sites is nothing to do with whether single parent a should date or form relationships.

It’s what was said to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 23/10/2022 16:59

singlemomof3 · 23/10/2022 16:47

Interested in the answer to this. I'm recently single after 10 years marriage together 20. I'm not 40 yet. I feel too young to be single but when I've mentioned about when I might be appropriate to start dating again I'm met with horror. My 3 children are 5 and under.
I don't want to be on my own for the next 15 years.

But at the same time don't know about ever having a "normal" relationship again and that makes me sad. I can't imagine me wanting to bring anyone full time around my children or whether any man Would even want to?. And how do I even fit someone in when I'm practically a full time parent (dad sees them every little) I've got so much love to give the right person

Everyone tries to put me off about OLD being awful, men only out for one thing, none of the good ones being left available blah blah blah.

Im going to give it a go in the new year with low to zero expectations and see what happens.

Yes exactly this all ive had is people trying to put me off and I don’t understand why!

OP posts:
Ilovemycatalot · 23/10/2022 17:00

The thing that annoys me are all the posts from married women on here who claim they would never date again if they broke up with their DH. I don’t believe most of them for a minute. Easy to say but bet reality would be different. But in answer to your question date again when you feel ready you don’t have to be a martyr for your children everyone is entitled to find happiness. I’m a lone parent and haven’t dated for years but that’s through choice. Must admit dating apps are pretty crap but unless you have a thriving social life and come into contact with lots of single men there isn’t really many other ways to meet someone.

Spicycurry · 23/10/2022 17:00

A few people have said why above. Didn’t you see the posts?

Spicycurry · 23/10/2022 17:02

I’m positive I wouldn’t, @Ilovemycatalot , although you are perhaps right that some would. Statistics do back this up though. Women are far more likely than men to remain single. There is a saying - women love children, men love women, which is very simplistic but has some limited truth in it.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 23/10/2022 17:02

Ilovemycatalot · 23/10/2022 17:00

The thing that annoys me are all the posts from married women on here who claim they would never date again if they broke up with their DH. I don’t believe most of them for a minute. Easy to say but bet reality would be different. But in answer to your question date again when you feel ready you don’t have to be a martyr for your children everyone is entitled to find happiness. I’m a lone parent and haven’t dated for years but that’s through choice. Must admit dating apps are pretty crap but unless you have a thriving social life and come into contact with lots of single men there isn’t really many other ways to meet someone.

Yes I’ve seen the same but I genuinely don’t know anyone that has been single until their kids have grown up irl, most have taken a year or two out but on MN it seems to be full of women who never dated again or waited until their kids were adults but like I said I don’t know anyone irl whose done that!

OP posts:
Beezknees · 23/10/2022 17:03

It's finding the time as well. My ex isn't really involved so I never had free time. I was a teen mum as well and got judged hard for that so I didn't want to be judged any more than I already was. Now I'm used to being on my own and very intolerant of most male bullshit!

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/10/2022 17:03

You just need to see threads about OLD, that makes you think stay away.

Hooverphobe · 23/10/2022 17:03

Not for me. My priority is my children. Also… read from a female GP once on these boards who said she’d seen way too many CSA cases come through her door as a result of a new step-dad and for that reason she was staying clear herself (single mum).

Mynoodlesareoodles · 23/10/2022 17:04

I think single parents should date if they want to. Personally it would be really tricky for me as i have to get a babysitter if i do anything without DC. I would not live with a man or blend families. All the relationships I've had with men have been with selfish man-babies and the last one abusive, so i'm very very wary, but i don't have a judgement on single parents dating.

Beezknees · 23/10/2022 17:04

Hooverphobe · 23/10/2022 17:03

Not for me. My priority is my children. Also… read from a female GP once on these boards who said she’d seen way too many CSA cases come through her door as a result of a new step-dad and for that reason she was staying clear herself (single mum).

Yep. I just wouldn't have trusted a man in my home around my DC when he was young.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 23/10/2022 17:06

I can't imagine having the energy to date if I were a single parent with young children - but maybe I just have less energy than most!

I think it comes down to how much you want to. It's difficult to meet the right person anyway, when you also have to find someone who likes your kids and is happy to be around them and either doesn't want kids of their own or already has kids who you get on with etc etc, it's definitely harder

DuckTails · 23/10/2022 17:06

Children are most at risk from a step parent or parent’s new partner. I feel incredibly for children in “blended” families passed from pillar to post and coping with step siblings and half siblings and step parents and step grandparents who favour their biological counterparts and from the thousands of stories I’ve read on here nothing has changed my mind.

So yes, I personally don’t think dating as a single parent is a great idea. I know it’s very unfashionable to say but that’s how I feel.