Should you date again as a single parent?

[SpinningFloppa]

What’s your thoughts on single parents dating again? Every time I mention dating I get met with a lot of negativity, “oh don’t bother” “just stay single” “OLD is hell just be happy on your own” should single parents not look for love again? Should they wait until their kids have grown up and moved out? Also hear a lot of women saying if they broke up with their partner they would stay single and not meet another man again, but would they really? What’s do you really think about single parents dating again?

Is this research for an article?

There’s a weird school of thought, and it’s very prevalent on MN, that single mums shouldn’t date until their kids leave home because the silly bints will probably just pick a pedophile anyway. And any man who dates a single mum is 110% a massive nonce.

But back on planet Earth I think it’s absolutely fine to not shackle yourself to loneliness for 18 years. Your kids will be fine. Step families can even be happy, contrary to popular belief.

I have known women stick to being single while their kids are at home and they’ve ended up lonely and too long in the tooth to find any decent men who are also single. It’s fine if you don’t mind your own company - and more power to you if you do - However if you do want companionship there’s no point being a martyr and waiting around.

Oh and btw I’ve been single for 5 YEARS if I was happy to just bring anyone round my children I would have met someone by now and done that, I’ve taken a long time out but now would like to meet someone again and don’t see why so many woman because they are happy on their own try to put others off meeting anyone, no mentions of safeguarding 🙄 it’s just a “be happy on your own” thing “why do you need a man”

I did online dating when my kids were about 8/10. Had dates when they were at their dads. Lots of dates, but not with anyone I hadn't had a good long chat with first. I met my current partner on OK Cupid of all places. He's an absolutely top bloke. He never even met my kids until we'd been dating for three years and were definitely a serious, solid item.
He was fine with that. We're moving in together when my son and daughter have both left uni.

I have Two friends who have all settled down with new partners after their relationships failed with the fathers of the children and it’s going fine

in regards to myself I never thought I could love or be loved again so soon however I have missed out on so much and I feel bad for letting myself lose the best years of my life for someone who was horrible to me

I have now found someone who is really nice treats my daughter beautifully and He plays with her, helps With homework et cetera ..of course he’s not a replacement for her own dad -he sees her regularly but this blanket notion that every single man is going to be dangerous to your child or you shouldn’t date because you have children is absolutely ridiculous -millions of people who have kids full time find love again with no issue

of course you should be cautious about introducing a new person into a relationship but really red flags start well before a new partner is introduced to children I just think some women choose to ignore them ..
Seriously there’s nothing wrong with finding somebody new! They would have to accept that spontaneous nights out et cetera might not happen because you have children at home but if someone is really interested in you then they would accept that just as mine has

I was a single mum at in my early 20s. I had been badly burnt by my ex. Now DH was a childhood friend who had always liked me, we'd lost touch for a few years, but had mutual longstanding friends.
I started to date DH 18 months after my split with ex. A year later and he finally met my DC (only saw him when DC was with ex). Then he moved in a year after that and we got married.

I knew it was right, I had never met such a good egg and he treated my DC so well and accepted with ease that he would always be a distant second in my priorities. My ex really liked him too.

Over a decade later we are still together and very happy. Also have dc together too. He's improved the quality of our lives immeasurably and I'd be devastated if we split. That's not just me who thinks so, all my family and friends (and ex) agree.

It can work. Strong boundaries. Know your worth. Make sure your dc are happy and it adds to their lives, not takes away. Good luck!

I'd love to date again. Unfortunately I've not almost anyone of a calibre i deem worthy of using what precious free time I have. Doesn't help I'm 40+ and the OLD 'Offerings' all seem to be Overweight & unnteresting but still believe themselves worthy of worship and attention from no one but the perfect 10s..
That sounds harsh, I know, I don't care.
If someone on POF is 5, at best, they shouldn't expect to be demanding only 10s need apply. just maffs ennit...

I keep hearing words OLD what does it mean lol sorry

I wouldn't pay a huge amount of attention to those who say "if I become a single parent ... " you have no idea how you'll feel until it happens to you. Unless they're offering their experience of being the child in that scenario of course.

OLD is a minefield, you need to set since rules and boundaries for yourself and stick to them, there's a long running thread on here with lots of good advice from people with experience, so for example, some of my rules from when I was OLD

• Don't chat to someone for more than 2 weeks without meeting them face to face, no matter how good their excuses sound, if necessary. Any longer and you'll get emotionally involved.
• It's absolutely nothing until you've met face to face, they are a complete stranger, you owe them nothing and can/should block them at any point you become uncomfortable.
• The first date is always short, preferably a coffee not alcohol, in a very busy public place with well lit parking or public transport/taxi right outside.
• You don't share your full name, address, social media etc. until you've been on a few dates and he's shared his information, and you've verified it with some snooping.
• You must snoop, you can find out a lot about someone from their online presence, but remember this works both ways.
• They don't come to your house until you're at the exclusively dating stage at least, and only then without dc present.

Your need to ensure you understand how dating works now, it's changed, there are a lot more rules, it's less easy going, but if you communicate you'll know where you stand.

How old is your child/children? I take it if you’ve been single for 5 years then they’re past the intensive stage?

Online dating

After one bad experience of it when my eldest was young I’m absolutely not dating until my youngest moves out. She’s 14 and I’ve been single over 10yrs. DS2 has gone to Uni. If I had been bothered I could have dated but not involving the kids but until recently I had no babysitter anyway so wasn’t anything that bothered me. I’m happy as I am. There are some decent men out there, but don’t under estimate how hard it can be with a blended family. For me I’d rather just be single than go through that again

At the end of the day, even if everything goes well, the best you can hope for is kids moving around, and being less well off than they would be.

My husband and I did both happen to grow up in "blended-ish" households though - but in both circumstances it worked because there were no exes on the scene. His dad died when he was young, and my mum's first husband wanted nothing to do with my older siblings. In both cases both second husbands treated all children as their own.

I was a single parent pretty much from the birth of DS. Personally I decided early on that OLD wasn’t for me and the effort needed was too much. As it happened when Ds was 8ish a friendship developed naturally and 6 years down the line we are in a happy relationship but I don’t think I would have gone looking.

but it’s all so personal. As long as any children are the top priority then do what feels right to you

Personally I wouldn’t date again but it’s really down to each individual and how they feel.
I wouldn’t want to go through the hassle or the faff with trying to meet someone new, I wouldn’t want to worry about the risk they might pose to my children who will always be my top priority, I’m quite happy on my own.
I do wish single parents would slow down and stop introducing new people into their children’s lives so quickly or keep moving them around. I’ve seen the damage it’s done first hand but the parents seem oblivious to the damage their actions are doing.

You mean some single parents ? 🤨 I’ve been single for 5 years.

For me, it is that I think single women with children are actually pretty vulnerable and not just to obvious predators, but also the coercive control types who love bomb and then zero in on your insecurities (which you will have being a single mum of small children) and gradually chip away at your independence by manipulation and emotional blackmail. And then there are the divorced/separated dads who think you will provide the domestic service and care for their children too. And who will want you to adjust you and your DC’s lives to suit them and their DC. And just generally want to move too quickly when there are children involved. Etc. Just no.

I have been a single parents for ten years nearly, so I come from that perspective.

I see nothing wrong with it at all. I was single for a few years after breaking up with the ex-husband. Used OLD and had a couple of FWBs (fun!!) My kids never knew as they were always with my ex, my mum or at school. About 12 years ago I met DP, now DH, and I introduced them all after 18 months. They knew nothing about him until we started out with a few lunches together/visits to national trust properties. Then he would stay 1 night a fortnight with the kids there to get them used to him before moving in after we’d been together 2.5 years.

I’m a single parent and have been in an out of OLD without success. The quality of men is truly poor (the pool isn’t any better in London). However, depends what you are looking for. Dating different men is quite nice if you set your expectations low. However, I can’t see myself committing to anyone any time soon. I would never consider living with another man until DS has left home.

@MrsMontyD excellent boundaries and advice. I agree that you should search as much as you possibly can to verify who the person is. Also, don’t use your real name on the profile and don’t use any pics that are associated with your professional profile. I was hunted down by a twat I rejected. Quite terrifying.

Please also do a search on yourself to see what info exists about you online. Can your address be found, is your LinkedIn open to all, are you listed on any companies, etc.

Do not take advice from people who are not in your shoes because they have no idea. They will be the first ones to judge.

Those people saying they waited.... did they actually wait and turn someone down who wanted to date them or was it a case of just not meeting anybody till later on in life when their kids were a bit older.

It's difficult because I couldn't imagine staying single for the next 5 years just because I'm a mum!

Think it depends on a lot of things really.

a) did you have an abusive or dysfunctional previous relationship - I would make sure I am absolutely solid on what a good relationship looks like
b) your kids - age, how are they handling separation etc
c) what does dating mean to you in terms of time commitment or level of relationship commitment

tbh if it were me I probably wouldn’t until kids were older (or more likely not bother at all). But thats me and its easy to say when I’m not in a position where I have to make that choice.

It's a case of buyer beware, lots of bad men out there but go for it if that's what you want to do however protect your children from being introduced to multiple partners by waiting until you are serious

Do whatever you like. Outside of the imaginations of daily mail readers, a single parent dating doesn’t mean moving a randomer and their dc in a few days after you brought them home with you after the first date. But as you’ll be aware, as a single parent the entire world has the right to judge you for anything and everything.

It was different, and a lot easier with dp because we were already long term friends, so we never had to introduce dc, or worry about blending etc. If it wasn’t him though I would have probably stayed single forever, but only because I was genuinely happy alone, not because there is anything wrong with meeting someone else.