To feel pissed off they would do this?

[uzaname]

How would you feel if a family holiday (immediate family, 3 generations) was planned for dates when you and your DC wouldn't be able to attend, when it was booked for those dates knowing you wouldn't be able to attend, and the dates don't align with an anniversary or birthday or limited availability of the others in the group etc that mean the holiday must happen then?

I can only assume it was deemed unimportant that DC and I wouldn't be there for a holiday for the 'whole' family.

I agree with this, clearly something not being said

Yes, this. It’s sounding like OP wants the organiser to move heaven and earth to beg them to come and woo them, and is being deliberately
difficult to incite the wooing. Instead of just saying “We can’t do that date, but here’s [list of every date we can do] – could we look at rearranging so we can all be there? Happy to do some flight/hotel/ferry/whatever research legwork!”

Is this forthcoming enough?

The holiday is genuinely a long way off so it's not about hospital appointments etc.

I had already shared details of child arrangements to make sure there was clarity, as yes, they do have form and that's the crux of it. My crime is possibly not being a blood relative of the main booker.

When the dates were suggested it was a one sentence message asking if I would be free on those dates and I did a quick reply to say not those dates but that there would be lots of other dates I could do. I didn't give specifics as it was a quick response and I was honestly expecting an alternative to be suggested and for there to be some kind of group discussion.

The original idea was a holiday for the whole family. It wasn't 'We're going on holiday and maybe some of you could come along.'

It's a week long holiday abroad. Unless I go through some serious stress to change arrangements, my DC would only be available for 48 hours of that, to include travel time.

There are other children involved. It's not a childfree holiday. Other people need school holiday dates, so it's not about that.

What I am most hurt about is the exclusion of my DC.

FFS why haven't you spoken to the person who booked the holiday - presumably a parent as you said they are retired. Why haven't you asked why you have been excluded. Why are just on here drip feeding and moaning to strangers about the unfairness of it all?
Either do something about it or stop bloody moaning.

Then express your disappointment politely but firmly to the booker.

So it’s a step parent who’s booked this. And I would guess your step siblings are all going.

I was assessing whether IABU first as I will likely be painted as the villian

Do you actually want to go on holiday with these people?! If they have form for this kind of behaviour, then spending a week with them would be a nightmare!

Hi Family - oh! I’m surprised. I thought as we couldn’t do those dates we’d discuss some alternatives? DC1 & DC2 will be really upset to miss out. Is there any chance of changing the dates?

OP I think the lesson here is that you need to communicate more directly with your family. The approach you have now where you give short answers and spend excess time thinking about what to say next clearly isn't working well for you.

Half and full siblings are going.

Yes, I have been NC in the past thanks to this kind of crap, but had - possibly mistakenly - let things go in the last couple of years for DC's sake. And my pathetic 'D'F is largely to blame of course. I just won't make the effort anymore as it's clearly not worth it.

I am guessing that it is a step-parent or step-sibling who has booked the holiday and you feel like they have deliberately booked it on the one date you said you couldn’t make. The rest of your family can make so really they’re having a family holiday without you there. I would be very hurt by this. If you’re booking a family holiday, especially one that’s way off, you give a few dates as options and book the one that everyone can do. It’s not that difficult. I don’t know the backstory, but it does sound like they are deliberately leaving you out

Depends on why you can’t do those dates

they might say you deem whatever you are doing more important than hanging out with them

and it may very well be

nut that’s also your choice? Maybe?

Definitely speak to the booker. I'd ask why they did what they did. You've got nothing to lose, you are not being excluded as it is. Are you sure that for a one off holiday the child arrangements have to be stuck to? They usually allow for family holidays.

@CourtneeLuv would you really book a family holiday on the one date that you knew one set of relatives, with children couldn't make it, when other dates are fine?

It doesn’t sound like YABU at all.

The booker said are you free on X date.

You said no the kids are at their dads but I can do other dates.

Then the booker went ahead and booked X date.

I think that’s very rude.

If it was the only date available then they should have spoken to you about it and explained.

I would be ringing them and asking 1) if they’ve booked you and the kids a place. 2) why they booked the date that you specifically said you couldn’t do.

Is the booker paying for everyone? In that case, of course they'll do what suits them and the majority.

My family did this to me and it was one of the final nails in the coffin that means I don’t see them any more! They planned a family holiday, 3 generations - grandparents, siblings etc over a time they knew my DH kids and I couldn’t come. You’ll know if this is part of a wider picture of unkindness but for me it was. I’ve been in therapy for about a year to work through my family issues x

Was it made clear in original conversation that that was the holiday date. " looking at going to X on Y date, Who can come?"
You replied you couldn't make that so they assumed end of story, you wouldn't be coming.

Could you have misunderstood and thought other dates may be available?

Sorry OP. Just read your update, and that sounds very unfair. However I still think you should ask why they did it and make them explain. Nothing to lose. What do your other family members think about this?

I’m assuming that you have split with the father of your children and it has been a difficult split. It sounds as though your children have had a tough time. If you were my relations it would be a priority to include those children so that they have some fun with their cousins and feel part of a large family. I would be contacting you to look at which dates were best not picking a set that were unworkable.

I'd think, typical of my brother.

The dates were suggested and I was asked if they would work. I said they wouldn't for us, expecting some alternatives to be suggested, but the next communication I got - the very next day - was to say it had been booked.

I would have suggested some dates you could do. Or if you were in a hurry, asked if you could suggest some dates when you get home.

As it is, they can just say you said you can’t make it and you didn’t suggest any alternatives.

Maybe the booker is fed up of suggesting dates? It’s frustrating finding a date everyone can make.

When the dates were suggested it was a one sentence message asking if I would be free on those dates and I did a quick reply to say not those dates but that there would be lots of other dates I could do

This is actually horrible - it's almost as thought hey were checking that you wouldn't be coming if it was those dates, just to make sure they could leave you out.

Like you, I would suck it up for myself, but I wouldn't let my children be treated like pariahs. It's a horrible way to behave.

If your half and full siblings or going why did you say ‘my crime is not being blood related to the person booking?’.

Your other full sibling/s are also not blood related to the booker if you aren’t.

The split wasn't recent but, yes, my ex is difficult.

I struggle to understand how they could happily exclude my DC without making some kind of effort to accommodate.